Previous relations...
So, I have told DH I want a child and he wants to wait until SS5 is a little older as at this point SS gets jealous of me loving on my niece...also we have some financial issues that need to be ironed out - eliminating debt, possibly moving, my job recently had a pay deduction so we are doing good affording SS right now without any extras and can't imagine having to support a baby. I am very understanding of this but as a woman I still think about the possibilities of having my own child and creating that bond with DH.
However, tonight we had one of DH's buddies come over for dinner he's a good guy and I don't think he realizes he crossed a line but he made some comments that crushed me. I did some of the dishes as DH cooked and then went outside where I heard him say something about him cheating on his woman. I quietly went and sat down next to DH and DH was talking about how could never cheat especially not with having SS he doesn't think he could look his child in the eye and try to teach him how to be a man if he wasn't being one.
Flash forward and his buddy goes into how him and his lady got over it and how she no longer gets jealous hearing about past women he has had relations with. I know being me I never want to hear about the person I am having relations with but I feel as I do good considering some women still hit on him when we were in town, and have sent him Facebook messages about how they miss the relations even after as long as we have been together - and I am confident in how DH handles it as most women end up getting blocked, or at least ignored and it has happened less and less the longer we are together.
The thing that bothers me is the comment made next that even with DH's and BM's "Love Child" I will learn to deal. The thing that bothers me is I understand that DH and BM obviously had to have relations and that SS was created but how dare you refer to that child as a "love child" when it has a name and I am having some struggles not really wanting to wait but knowing that it is best for us financially, and hopefully mentally for everyone. Mind you this guy nor his woman have children so he has no idea what being in a step position is like, nor the thought that go through a young stepmothers head who still has the will for her own life and memories - even though I fear some will come with heartache know DH has had experiences before.
How dare you tell me as a stepmom, who has had to hear the birth story of SS from BM several times one of which I hung up on her because my "phone died" and the other I was stuck at a sporting event without DH, and have heard from BM's mom about how they used to so passionate and the birth story again at a event without DH. How dare someone tell me I should be okay hearing about it and that I will get over it.
Maybe I am over-reacting but just hearing that hit me over the edge and made me wonder if my feelings on "hearing" about it would change when DH and I have our own experiences or if I had my own child.
Mind you DH and BM were
Mind you DH and BM were married for 5years so it wasn't just a "love child" his story is she wanted a child and he thought it would help there tanking marriage (it was tanking because of her son from a previous relationships manipulation) so it's a little harder knowing it was a long term thing and they divorced when SS was 2, and it wasn't a fling gone wrong.
You know the term Love Child
You know the term Love Child is derogatory and insulting and offensive. It is used to describe children born out of wedlock. It's not nice.
However you had every right to speak up and say he was a vey lucky man because you would not be so forgiving or understanding, then offer the coffees. Just make it matter of fact, no big deal , just a statement of fact. . If you get the opportunity. Say it.
I understand it is offensive
I understand it is offensive and that is one thing that bothered me is that my SS is a good child and is in no way form or fashion just a love child - yes he was used to try to save the marriage but he doesn't serve to be considered that.
I responded "It's a lot harder than you think to hear those things" and my husband backed me up said that he felt the conversation was inappropriate though it started about them innocently talking about someone and then I think he said his buddy made the comment everyone had relations with her and it spurred a little out of control. He also told his buddy that next time he should try to have a conversation like that in front of his woman who knows nothing what being a 'second' (by no means do I feel second) woman is like and see how she reacts, he should be lucky I remained calm and that no such conversations would be allowed in our house again.
Last Night my husband and I also talked about it when we laid down and he again apologized to me it even got brought up and he understood if I was upset or not in the mood because he knows that especially details I have been forced to hear from BM haunt me and I don't let them bother me unless they are rebrought up and he thanked me for remaining calm - because honestly his buddy was way out of line.
I think his buddy has a long way to go and his lady would not be happy hearing him say that she was okay hearing about it, and then he also like blatantly called her fat to both of us which my husband called him out again saying it was inappropriate - I honestly believe the guy has a good loving heart he just needs to watch his mouth and last night was the longest I had ever been around him.
Why would you get upset over
Why would you get upset over a term that is used as an insult??
Your husband should be bothered by that label. I sure as hell would be.
To me I was more upset over
To me I was more upset over the fact his buddy wanted to talk about past relations they had encountered and act like I shouldn't have a problem with it because I would get used to it, when though he doesn't know what I've had to hear to me knowing that I am the second for a lot of experiences though DH and I have made them unique in our way I don't think myself or any woman is going to be okay hearing about past relations or pieces of ass.
My husband did say that SS is not a love child but his son, and it irked me a little as well but like I said not as much as the simple fact he just thought he was okay but because I know SS and he is a good kid and he doesn't deserve any label like that.
DH and I had talked about
DH and I had talked about past relations only becomes we both had very traumatic (rape) experiences and it was affecting us when we first started having relations, to the point I would cry because we were unable to and some dark past needed to come out to be able to understand each other. It has not been brought up in YEARS, and as far as I am concerned unless someone brings it up SS magically appeared out of thin air.
Like I said I have hung up on BM - she went on a spill right before the first day of school when I had to call her about some things (DH was in Canada and had no way to communicate not even with me as they were so far out in the ocean) and she said something about how she couldn't believe SS was so old she remembered when he was born and DH *at this point my phone died*. Ex MIL brought it up once when there was a rumor I was pregnant and I think she wanted to steal my excitement funny thing is DH's brother was rumored to have knocked someone up not me so I was clueless to why she was telling me my experience would be different - and I walked away she followed me as it was a sporting event and DH was again out of town to the point I had to say I had to pee to get away from this woman, and I'm pretty sure I responded "I'm glad they have that memory I really have to pee" and walked away. The other time when she went more into passion was when someone was getting married or maybe someone had made a comment about how I didn't look as cheery without DH there but they were happy we found each other I don't remember the exact situation but all that happened around the same time period and Ex MIL said something about she remembers when BM and DH got together and they were passionate and she heard them doing it once when they first got together blah blah blah my response "Everyone has different special experiences" an I believe I went to pee again. I have always tried to hide letting such things get to me but I like to think I tried to escape all situations - mind you again it has probably been able 8months since the occurrences with Ex MIL and BM brought it up at the beginning of the school year.
Current MIL will go with me to events now if DH isn't home as they do not like her and will not come near me with her around. I also try to engage myself in conversations with other parents much more to avoid not only hearing about stuff but their voices in general.
I guess I just got upset because I am so ready to try but I know that it wouldn't be responsible at this point in time, and then to hear his buddy say I will get used to it, or need to get over shows his total lack of understanding what I go though. As I have said though I know DH has obviously had relations with others and I have as well we try to make our memories and special from anything in the past to make sure they are unique and simply ours.
DH was talking about how
DH was talking about how could never cheat especially not with having SS he doesn't think he could look his child in the eye
I had a hard time getting past this. I would hope he wouldn't cheat because he couldn't look YOU in the eye.
I honestly don't think DH
I honestly don't think DH could look anyone in the eye if he cheated, this man has been destroyed before and does everything possible to be honest with myself, and set the best example. This comment was from when we first got together and BM had accused him of cheating and bringing other women around SS before they had even went to court....when in reality what was happening is she was letting a friend of hers have a affair using there house as the meeting point so it made her look guilty and was trying to make herself look better. And I think it was apparent he wouldn't be able to look me in the eye either but he relates a lot of his actions to trying to show SS how to be a man.
He has good intentions and a very good heart and actually I think after I went inside had a heart to heart with his buddy about how he may be confident his girl is over the past but he will always be questioned by her because of previous actions etc. DH is truly a good honest guy.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^this!! Look me
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^this!!
Look me in the eyes, insensitive jerk!! I know that my SO has had other relationships. As have I. We didn't get to the age we are now with no other contact. It's cool. We talk about the things we learned from people in a positive way or in a way that we knew what we didn't want in a relationship. Those were learning tools for us to be able to be the people we are now.
My SO "dated" his bm for about 8 months before she got knocked up. she was supposedly on bc. famous last words. And they didn't even have sex that often. He's confided in me that he was just hanging out with her really and didn't consider them to actually be dating. When she ended up pregnant. She wanted to get married. Now this girl had known him and his family for a long time. They all grew up in the same area of town and went to school together. She assumed that he would marry her. He didn't.
I think that she hates him to this day bc he wouldn't marry him.
Regardless, I find it hard to believe that he put his penis in this stupid person but I guess if you can get it up when you're drunk you'll do just about anyone!!
I hope that my SO has learned lessons. I would never cheat on him and I don't think he would cheat on me. Early on I felt some strange vibes but those were never substantiated. I let it go. Those guys were just talking stupid, let em talk.
After DH said that talk would
After DH said that talk would no longer be around our house, and we talked and I got some loving time I felt better - I have since pretty much dropped it I still just can't believe how inconsiderate his friend seems to be.
Reflecting back I think one
Reflecting back I think one of the reasons it upset me was last night was the last night DH and I had alone before the night before he goes to work which is no where near a normal night - so having to think about that and just seeing his friend be a jerk kind of set me off.