Rant: I really don't know if I should stay in this relationship
First of all, I'm not married, so I'm not technically a stepmother, I know, but I'm living with my boyfriend and we have discussed marriage.
My boyfriend and I are the same age, both in our late 20's, and so is BM. I'd say we're all very young, at least I feel too young for this drama, and they did become parents too young at 19.
I guess I'm kind of on the fence about children, only now I'm starting to veer more towards "childfree". I'm definitely not one of those wome who gets excited about babies, but I also don't hate children... now things are changing though, and it's mostly because of my boyfriend's son. I've never been around children as an adult until now, and I think this is key.
Of course when I met him I knew he had a child, and being 24 at the time, I didn't really think realistically about what it could mean. I was very optimistic, or more idealistic, about what could happen. Back then, when we started dating, BM had just taken their son to live with her, before that he had been living with my boyfriend. They didn't have a settlement back then because he was unemployed (now the settlement is visitation one weekend per month, though sometimes BM will let him have more weekends/days). So she just took the kid. BM is a very unstable, person (I hate to say other women are crazy... but yeah, she's crazy).
In any case, we waited at least half a year before I met the kid. By that time I was already smitten and was being very idealistic because I wanted our relationship to work. Now, SS8 was always nice to me, from the beginning (when he was 6). He's still nice. But he has more than a few problems that worry me (which I attribute fully to bad parenting - and even grandparenting, he spends a lot of time with his grandmothers - on both sides). BM is a mess, she's verbally aggressive towards anyone, she's a liar, she's short-tempered, loud and doesn't care about important stuff, she's not nurturing at all. My boyfriend is caring, but EXTREMELY naive and lenient (also has some "guilty daddy" syndrome).
First of all, SS is used to being the center of attention. He's been the only child/grandchild in both sides of his family for most of his life, so he's used to always having adults humoring him. He's loud, he yells a lot. Normal kid stuff for an 8 year old I guess, annoying, but normal.
He's addicted to violent videogames (his playstation is his babysitter basically), talks a lot about violence in general, he once took cigarettes to school (he claims he fond him in BM's bathroom), he told something sexual to a girl in his class, when he comes over he never sleeps in his bed (I don't like sharing my bed with him, but my boyfriend says it's because his poor kid is scared of the dark, sorry WHAT?! so I just have to suck it up?!), also when he visits he goes through my stuff and plays around with everything (which my boyfriend also doesn't see a problem with), he lies a lot, he is always making weird faces, he talks back, he yells... I will say though, he's never disrespected me, but he constantly disrespects my boyfriend. He's short tempered just like BM.
Last night my boyfriend and I had a huge fight because some of these topics came up. We already made up, but I'm still feeling guilty. He loves his son. Of course he does! And that's fine, but I don't love him, and sometimes I feel as though my boyfriend expects me to love him, too. He says he doesn't, that he gets it, but in the end, he still makes me feel that way. I wish I could love him, to understand the love that he feels for his son... He thinks I hate his son, and I don't, but it's hard for me not to feel resentful or weird about him at times. I can't even describe it well, it's not dislike, I just don't know, I can't pinpoint the feeling. But my boyfriend gets hurt if I criticize his son too much, and I understand 100% why, I do... but there's only so much I can take.
Why do I worry so much, you say? Like I said, we've discussed marriage. And BM is a bit unstable... one day she'll be all "he's MY kid, YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! Now give me your money!!" to my boyfriend, and the next... I'm pretty sure she'll soon get bored of living with him. Also, his teacher (who's my best friend) once told me that SS said that he wanted to live with his dad "because he lets me do what I want and doesn't yell at me like mom".
I love my boyfriend deeply, and he loves me too. He's great, our relationship is otherwise awesome, and yes I wish he didn't have a child. But th thing is, he does. So I've told him maybe we should break up, as hard as it may be, because I don't see my feelings and fears about his son changing in the future. He tells me not to be silly, that time will tell (so unhelpful), I tell him maybe he needs a woman who can love his son, he tells me he doesn't need another woman... but then I think "well, maybe I'm not the woman that SS needs in his life". Which my boyfriend also thinks is too melodramatic. But honestly, I think maybe SS deserves someone better than me.
I really miss the freedom of a childfree man sometimes. But I'm much too in love with my boyfriend, as much as I think a break up might be the only solution, I can't bring myself to do it 
and sometimes I think, maybe when SS grows up, things will be better, but I think that's just denial. It's either staying in a relationship with this much baggage, or giving up on an otherwise great relationship and maybe not finding such a great guy later.
(BTW, sorry for the novel... thanks if you read it all)
Thank you for your support. I
Thank you for your support. I agree with you, both bio parents are doing a terrible job. I wish my boyfriend could see that, that in trying to be "nice" to his kid he's actually hurting him in the long run.
If I had to find something positive about the child... it would be that he seems like a very generous person in general. He's generous with everyone. And sometimes he can make interesting conversation if you engage him enough, he has quite an inquisitive mind when taken away from the mind numbig games he plays. He's also very nice to me, and has never disrespected me, but that's probably because we've never spent more than two or three days together. If he lived with us... I'm sure that would change quickly.
He still has more cons than pros, though.
I guess a break up is the best solution but right now that is very painful to even think about.
Thanks again!
I forgot to mention that due
I forgot to mention that due to financial reasons, this kid grew up cosleeping with mom/dad/grandmom so they're all used to it like it's no big deal.
Well, when he goes through
Well, when he goes through your things and it bothers you, that's your SS disrespecting you and your guy doing nothing about it. When you tell him you do not want. This kid in bed with you and he makes an excuse and says oh well, that's your guy disrespecting you.
Now picture this kid at 15. What do you think that is going to be like? Because based on the general curve one sees in unparented children, raised by those with short tempers, no boundaries and deep disrespect for the truth and other people.... It's likely the kid will get into drugs, hang with a bad crowd, possibly start to get physically aggressive, fail out of school....
You love your boyfriend now, but I imagine the fact that he does not command respect from those around him is going to start to eat at that. The fact that he doesn't respect or care for you enough to even validate your feelings on an issue, is going to eat at it. And if you do decide you want kids, this guy is showing you right now he is not the person you should take that path with.
You are way too young for
You are way too young for this mess. I can't relate to young skids bur I can attest that just because they become adults doesn't mean it's over. Listen to your intuition, go work on yourself, have fun and realize you're a hot, in demand woman and don't settle.
Umm, wow! Our stories are
Umm, wow! Our stories are scarily similar and I am the same age as you. Only difference is BM stays out of the way on my end. She used to be a pain, in the beginning of our relationship, but not anymore. Seriously though, I can't get over the other similarities. Especially how your SO says you're being a bit dramatic and that things will improve with time... My SO says the same thing. Seriously, go check out my most recent blog post and my posts to the forum.
My boyfriend and I are in total limbo, taking a break, thinking about things, etc etc. Its becoming a long, drawn-out emotional process. I've gotten some really great support from the people on this site and don't know if I'd have made it this far without it.
Unfortunately SS has some
Unfortunately SS has some signs of possible sexual abuse. It sounds like he needs two great parents and additional help. Honestly, because he is a young child--I don't see how your relationship can continue if you don't love him or see that happening in the very near future. I'd call it quits. You seem like a nice young woman. Sometimes it's just better to end a relationship that most likely won't work out sooner than later--it's for the best for all. I wish I would have taken my own advice. Good luck.
Trust me, OP. You do not want
Trust me, OP. You do not want or need this baggage in your life. You're way too young. Enjoy a child-free life if that's what you truly want because you are definitely entitled to one.
The BM sounds exactly like my husband's ex. I'm going to tell you straight-up that it's no fun having thatt crazy ball and chain in your life. Your boyfriend also sounds like my husband was in the beginning when we first started dating. I too, am in love with my husband, but I'll tell you what has made it work, since I chose not to run, and that is 1.) my spouse having ZERO expectations of me loving his child and 2.) me fully disengaging from dealing with his child.
If you're having these feelings and find yourself questioning it all, I'd recommend taking a long hard look at the big picture. Does it really get better over time? No. No it does not, for most.