SD ensuring I know that she's top dog
Lately my SD has been turning into a bit of a snot. She just turned 10 and until now we've had a pretty good relationship. When I've asked her in the past to help around the house, she has been more than willing; however, these days she tells me "No I don't want to" and watches me do all the work. I have told DH about it and SD lies to him, telling him she didn't say no. He says his darling daughter does not lie and backs her up 100%.
SD has also begun to make sure while the 3 of us are in public, that I cannot walk or sit beside DH. She will run from one side of him to the other to push me away or block me. She has also decided she needs DH to sleep in her bed with her every night. DH complies with her demands more often than not and doesn't see a problem with it. Everything I have read and learned in university concerning child development points to the fact that children of her age are beginning to separate from their parents. It seems to me SD is going backwards in development.
I should point out that I am SD's primary caregiver, as DH works long hours and SD refuses to live with her mentally ill, drug abusing BM ( BM has SD's brother full time). I am frustrated by SD's behaviour and DH's lack of support. I would be grateful for some non-judgemental advice.
I once read that when people
I once read that when people miss some of their developmental stages, ie. are exposed to adult issues in childhood instead of being a child, etc...that later in life they attempt to go back to those "stages" they missed. Only kids who are allowed to be children, then teens, etc...can fully function as an adult. Not sure if this is her issue, but I have seen it happen too many times.
As it happens I do tell her
As it happens I do tell her to stop in front of DH and he insists she's just "playing with me." Last night I came home and found them sleeping together and asked DH if his 3 brothers sleep with their daughters on demand. He did not reply and I know they do not. Needless to say I slept alone in my bed and he ended up on the couch. I should add here that BM has been stalking, harassing, threatening me with violence, attempting to have me arrested under false allegations, attempting to have removed from my home while SK's are there, making false allegations about me in family court, attempting to destroy my relationships with DH and the SKs, and last but not least, assaulting me at SD's dance recital. My life is a living hell and I know the children's bad behaviour is a direct result of BM.
DH and I have been together
DH and I have been together for 2 years. SD decided to live with us after her BM assaulted me this past December. I have told DH that SD's behaviour will get worse and can clearly see how things are going to go if he will not stop this insanity. I have talked to SD until I'm blue in the face about her behaviour and have explained to her that I am not her parent and am not required to do anything for her. All the things I do with and for her are due to my wanting to and that her actions are making me not want to. I also point out that life in my home will become difficult for her if she continues. It hasn't made much difference other than she now has to do oh so much more for herself and I have forced DH to ask her to do the chores I need help with (I have RA and have developed anxiety issues due to BM) so he will realize how lazy she really has become. I stand up for myself always but am always the bad guy in the end.
Right now, make it clear to
Right now, make it clear to DH that you will not tolerate this and that he needs to step up!! When he tells you she is playing, in front of her, say that you don’t want that type of playing and she needs to stop it. This will not get any better. It will only get worse. Tell him if he is not going to allow you to have a say in your house and is going to allow you to be treated like that, that he needs to step up and be a parent, as you are no longer doing it. It may seem extreme, but nip this in the bud. It won’t get better. She will continue to act as if what she wants is more important than you and your husband. She will continue to try to get in the middle of you, both physically and emotionally.
When DH and I started dating, SD was 8, almost 9. He used to go into her bedroom and lay at the bottom of her bed while she was going to sleep. I mistakenly thought it was cute. Well, all hell broke loose when I moved in and he stopped doing that. He would still put her to bed and stay in there with her for a while, but not staying in until she fell asleep. She would lay in bed wailing at the top of her lungs, like a baby, (this went on during ages 9 and 10) in an effort to get Daddy in her room and away from me. It worked at first, until he had the shits of it and realized what she was doing. She still would ask Daddeeee to tuck her in at night…and only recently stopped doing it at 15. It made me want to vomit every time I heard it…”Daddeeee, will you come tuck me in”. :sick:
It's going on at my house
It's going on at my house too.
I don't think there's anything that upsets my stomach more than SS13 asking his father to tuck him in every night.
Seriously?
Web cams, video and voice
Web cams, video and voice recording. That pretty much will take care of DHs dillusions about his daughter and bare her ass as a manipulative liar.
As for the running around pushing you away from DH when you are out in public, nothing a very public swat on the rump will not take care of or standing her with her nose in the corner of the restaurant while you and DH have dinner won't fix. If DH will not step up and discipline or parent SD-10 then he will have no choice but to STFU while you do it and you need to very clearly give him that message.
No more sleeping in her bed, ever. She is 10y not 1yo. He sleeps in the marrital bed.... PERIOD!! Grab him by the proverbial short and curlies and give him absolute clarity on this issue and the rest of them too.
The only fix is to force open daddy's eyes to the crap that SD is pulling and let him know that you will not tolerate her manipulative behavior in YOUR home.
As for yuo not being a parent ... I completely disagree. You are an equity parent to any child that lives in your home and those kids must abide by your rules or suffer the consequences for failing to do so.
Let her know that immediately the rules will be inforced. Liars will not be tolerated and will immediately find themselves bare assed over the arm of the sofa getting a belt or paddle applied to their butt cheeks.
Bratty behavior will result in unpleasent consequences.
If daddy thinks her crap is cute then he can watch as you deal with it or he can step up and deal with it before you have to.
PERIOD!!!
This problem is really not your SD-10's. This is entirely on your DHs shoulders and is unequivically his fault for not dealing with it from the get go.
His sleeping in the bed with
His sleeping in the bed with a 10 year old daughter and having a crazy court loving BM is just asking for BIG trouble. He's being incredibly stupid.
how about 12 years old and
how about 12 years old and still reading Robert Munsch to her at bedtime? Completely ridiculous and he is assuaging his own guilt or need or whatever that he wasn't around enough when she was small.
It has stopped recently, but only because SD is not around. She still cosleeps with her bm when she gets the chance.
Just search the term "mini
Just search the term "mini wife" on these boards and READ...it only gets worse, especially if daddy dearest doesn't do something about it!
Yes, and if the men don't
Yes, and if the men don't step in and take care of it, it becomes out of control and breaks up marriages!!
Last night I let SD have it!
Last night I let SD have it! DH was late getting home so it was just she and I at the dinner table so I decided to let her know in no uncertain terms that I am the wife, not her. I also told her that there will be no more lying and making me out to be a monster, no more daddy sleeping in her bed and no more pushing me away from her either. Then I made her eat eggs, which she despises more than anything. How many times have I told her I can make her life a living hell? I've lost count!
When DH came home she asked him to tuck her in and he didn't, probably due to the rant I had the night before. My rants are truly terrifying and I was PMS-ing in a big way. I hope I've handled it but I doubt this will last.