Should I be worried, or is this normal kid stuff?
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So, as I was changing the sheets on my husband's daughter's bed, a piece of paper fell out.
It said, "My life is going all wrong. I hate ChildlessSM. My best friend is mean. The boy I like won't go out with me..." etc etc.
I felt terrible for seeing it and put it back in her blankets when I made her bed. I don't want her to think I've invaded her privacy!
She's been her usual cheerful self with me lately. In fact, she's been sending me "I love you" texts and has been extra sweet.
Should I just chalk it up to normal kid stuff - healthy venting in an angry moment - or should I be worried?
Whew! I tend to think so,
Whew! I tend to think so, too. If her behavior toward me had changed, I'd be worried.
I actually think it's a good sign: it's taken her two and half years to trust me and love me enough to hate me! Ha.
Sounds normal to me. I spent
Sounds normal to me. I spent all of last year working with a lot of teen girls, and boy, they love to write. I strongly encourage writing/journaling, because it is really good for them to vent, as long as it is healthy. She sounds just fine. Like you said, if her behaviors were odd, I would be worried. I would be concerned if she was acting funny, spending a lot of time alone, not engaging with anyone, acting odd in school, changed eating habits-things like that.
Oh my gosh, I'm so relieved
Oh my gosh, I'm so relieved to hear that you're getting the love/hate combo too! I remember doing that when I was little.
My husband's daughter is almost 10. I'm just glad she has a private place to event. Kind of like me and Steptalk. Ha.
Oh, whew. We've talked about
Oh, whew. We've talked about how the only word she can't say in our house is "hate" but I suppose it's good that she can get those feelings out. I wonder what I did to piss her off?! Ha.
I found SD14's journal (she
I found SD14's journal (she was 13 then) when cleaning up her room one day. Couldn't resist reading it. OMG! She went on and on about how much she wanted a boyfriend, including lots of graphic details about what she would do with him. And long pages of hating on me, including leaving me on the side of the road as she drove away with her father, and another vignette about Snooki knockin' me out. Many complaints about how miserable her life was. So I think it's safe to think it is normal.
^^^Yep, similar thing
^^^Yep, similar thing happened to me but SD14 left her journal open and laying out. I had to get the cat out of her room and happened to stumble upon it. I did read a little of it but the guilt took over so I stopped.
Same kind of stuff. A lot of sexual stuff about her boyfriend (both were then 13 and had already gotten caught having sex) and all the crazy things she wanted him to do to her. Pretty graphic and repulsive.
My dh found MY dd's journal
My dh found MY dd's journal when she was about 12. She's 15 now. It said some not so pleasant things about him. She is really a pretty good girl, so nothing too bad simply things like sort of wishing her real father was here and that her life would be easier and that he had gotten mad at her one night for "nothing" and calling him "dad". instead of just dad without the quote marks!
He was hurt and upset initially-quite a bit-but I was impressed that he was able to let it go. I think he did eventually say something to her about-just something along the lines of, "I didnt know you felt that way"-she apologized and things were fine.
Likewise I have found my other dd's journal when she was about 6. She was like, "My mom is a butthead. I hate her. She couldnt lose 5 pounds in a 6000 years. (I was on a diet at the time). Honestly, I thought it was pretty funny. I did tell her I saw it, but that is ALL I said about it. She apologized.
I just think you feel so much more vulnerable as a stepparent, than a parent, and the cut is deeper. I feel VERY secure that my kids love me so if they vented about me in a journal then it really is no concern-my dh is not as secure with my kiddos love so it stings more.
Haha. Your daughter's journal
Haha. Your daughter's journal cracks me up! It's good for kids to have a private place to vent.
I'm not taking it personally. But I will say this: having your own child say "I hate you . . . you're a butthead" is very different than having your spouse's child say those things. With your own child, you know you have unconditional love.
My sd22 starting writing a
My sd22 starting writing a new " secret " diary after she had been grounded for a month for a lot of serious things, believe me, she had lost her phone, her p.cs, etc, she literally went to school and came home and that was it. Anyway, it was full of dramatic woe is me, my life is Hell, sob, sob, stuff, etc.
How do I know this, it was left out on a table in her room, not so secret, eh ?? Oh, yes, AND she was 18 at the time !! :jawdrop:
Maybe my husband's daughter
Maybe my husband's daughter wanted me to see her note - that's okay. She's with me this week while my husband is traveling for work, and so far, so good, just like always.
My wife found a letter
My wife found a letter supposedly by daughteer to boyfriend recounting how they were in a shower at his house but didn't have sex. She got her on birth control.
Later on I wondered if the letter was deliberately left out because she wanted Mom to step in and stop her.
But nothing in your kids note indicated anything unusual or calling for help. If she starts drawing pictures of her shooting a gun at you then you might worry.
Agreed!
Agreed!
Thanks, Ana!
Thanks, Ana!
Gosh, Strix, thank you so
Gosh, Strix, thank you so much. I'm really glad you're sharing my experience on my blog. I feel so much less alone knowing that!
What you said about "transparency and vulnerability" really sinks in. Thank you for that. I'm pretty good with transparency, not so much with vulnerability. I'll ponder that a bit.
I'm so glad you and your stepdaugher are close now - and during what everyone says are the hardest years (though 12 was your "hard year"). I will be coming to you for advice, for sure.
I do know what you mean about the backwards compliment. As I commented earlier, the fact that my husband's daughter trusts me enough to hate me is a good thing! She must feel pretty secure that I'm not going anywhere and that I love her.
Normal. If certain loved ones
Normal. If certain loved ones saw some of the things I wrote about them while in a fit of rage!?!? But writing it helps you get it out of your system and move on. If I read it later I'm like wow, I don't feel that way in our day to day. I adore them. But you know how you can say awful things in anger and then regret it? Writing it is actually good for you because you get to flush your anger and frustrations and misplaced blame and who knows what else out and get back to normal without hurting the person you were angry at with your words. Even if she wrote mean mean hateful things, it's a good thing. Writing is an AMAZINGLY therapeutic tool. And it does not mean its how she really feels about you.
Funny story: Yesterday a friend was moving her coffee table into another room and underneath the inside of the table was little kid handwriting. As if a small child was laying underneath it and writing on it. It said in babyish script "I hate mommy"
She cracked up and said "Oh good, I'm doing my job right."
I agree completely! My
I agree completely! My husband's daughter didn't keep a journal until I came along. I encourage it in her - it's so important for her to get all that stuff out and to have a private place that all her own.
That story about your friend's table is hilarious! Thank you for sharing that.
UPDATE: I went into my
UPDATE:
I went into my husband's daughter's room this morning to get the cat and saw that same piece of paper - sitting right on top of her bed.
"I hate ChildlessSM" had been erased.
"I love ChildlessSM" had been written in its place.