I went through this years ago with DH and SS's. I felt the exact same way that you did about it. It was my only skid free space in the house and I didn't budge an inch on it. Not to mention the fact that BM used to send the kids over when they had lice and never told us!! When we found out they had lice, I looked at DH and said "see! This is a perfect example of why I don't want them in my bed". It hasn't been an issue for us since, and that was years ago. Hope you can get through your DH's thick skull.

Actually this topic shows up a lot. Personally DH & I do not let anyone in our room - No Skid/ No bio. It is our space only (We used to say adult only space but actually SD is an adult & still not welcome).

Unfortunately, I don't know what to tell you. I do not want to have kids laying where we have adult time & I certainly wouldn't want adult time in a space that smells like S^&* & I wouldn't want adult time with someone who disregards my feelings.

Wow I am so sorry your husband is such a douchebag. I mean seriously, its one thing to have different ideas but pulling the "its my house" to get his own way and then play "you dont like my kids" cards is just pathetic.

The bed thing is a common "problem", we had it, however my SD is 4 and was 2 at the time we got together. She slept in her own bed but in the morning she would come through to us and sleep another hour or so with us. I didnt like it, I told my boyfriend I didnt feel comfortable. Same as you I felt violated in a way. Its OUR place, fortunately my partner listened to me and since then our bed has been a total SD free zone.

It sounds like you have tried all the normal, reasonable ways to get your point across but its not working. But if you have already given up on the marriage then theres little point beating your head over it.
Without being too blunt have you not posed it to him from the point that it is your marital bed, you have sex in it, you dont think its right for his kids to then essentially be sitting on/in those sheets. Even the most disney dad should be weirded out by the concept of his CHILDREN and anything to do with his SEX life.
Though that being said, if you have already checked out of the marriage and there is no sex life then that wont worry him.

Otherwise Togs advice might be your best solution, its not ideal by any means but it might make him realise.

Would it be impossible or a waste of time to have a conversation with your DH about setting boundaries? My SS7 knows that he must knock and ask to come in before he sets foot in our bedroom. He's very good about it because we've basically put the fear of God in him about our room being OURS and not his to share. Plus, I could be changing/naked/showering and neither of us want to experience THAT kind of embarrassment. Sometimes he'll hang out with me if I'm folding laundry and his dad is at work or something like that. I think one time he watched the end of a TV show with me for maybe 15 minutes, then it was back downstairs for everyone.

I think it's great your SD asks to come in and that you allow her (at times) to watch TV with you. Nothing wrong with bonding with her! Your SS7 is definitely old enough to understand the concept of asking for permission to enter your room. I don't think it's unreasonable to sit both of them down and have you DH tell them the following:

1. From now on, in order to enter your room they must ask permission of either you or their dad. If one or both of you are in there, they must knock and wait for an answer from you.
2. One of you must be in there with them and if you're both busy, that means they can't go in.

Personally, I don't think kids, especially ones over the age of maybe 3, ever need to be in their parent's bedroom for an extended period of time. Your marital bed/bedroom is for sleeping, sex, and personal time. It's not an extended part of your living room. There's truly no reason for them to be in there when they have an entire house to roam.

It sounds like he needs a third party to tell him that your wants/needs are not unreasonable.

Ask him why it's so important that they be allowed to be in there...why is their WANTING to be there more important than your NEEDING your own space??

As a woman you we need a little of our own space , skid free zone. I battle with having to share a bathroom as they don't respect not using my things. That's maybe something that will never change. But one boundary is that they are not allowed in our bedroom. There is nothing in our room that they need. So certainly will not welcome in our bed. It took a few moans but now they know. Nip it in the butt

This would drive me mad. Withdraw his conjugal rights, saying that you feel uncomfortable making out where the skids have been laying and don't have any frisky nights until he changes his attitude. Agree with other posters as well about leaving "adult things" lying around, whether you've had sex or not!

We went through this too!

I objected to this as soon as it happened. DH agreed to it my new rule of our bed being child free.

However, a few times when SS would come in anyway, or cry, or bang on the door, DH would give in to him (largely from being half asleep, and forgetting about our agreements). DH asked me for leniency and special consideration, saying that SS was used to sleeping in his mothers bed.

The third time it happened I lost my temper, yelled at my SO and drove home in a fury. (We hadn't moved in together yet).

The next day I offered a compromise: SS was not allowed in during the night, but was allowed in during morning cuddles.

When he was 6, he totally associated the parents bedroom as being a "free-for-all" zone, because it was when his parents were a family. But now he has grown out of it.

I am really concerned your partner has no sense of negotiation, compromise or meeting half way.

Why are you with him?

I realise that when people say "Oh just leave", they are forgetting how it's incredibly, incredibly hard this.

But couldn't you just leave him for a week? You could say that you are DONE with this situation , and that you need a trial separation.

It could achieve several things:

- it might give you the courage to leave him for real
- it might give you a taste for life without him
- it might give him a scare , to jolt him to his senses

Oh and by the way, just because my partner and I compromised with morning-only bed cuddles, doesn't mean that you have to.

Come to think of it, when SS turns 12 this year, I might rule out all bed access altogether. He's old enough!

When I went out of town with my kids once, my exbf (instead of bringing the caged animal to his apt) wanted to stop by my house to care for it, etc. which was fine. Until we were 18 hours away, and he told me on the phone that he was at my house, with his 7dd in my bed (other 2 kids "playing" somewhere in my house), watching my PG-13 movie. OMG I about lost it! This, from the same idiot who wanted to keep me out of his custody battle with his crazy ex who had already made accusations of possible sexual abuse on him. EVERYTHING was ALL about how careful he had to be so that bm couldn't use anything against him in court... until he wanted to get in my bed with his 7dd and watch an age inappropriate movie while the other kids were doing God knows what. Another time when they were over and we were in the middle of an argument, he wanted to take both girls down to my bedroom to watch a movie in my bed, and this was around 9:30 at night. I think I just looked at him in disbelief. I was so dumbfounded I did not know what to say. We did not live together. So glad that someone else is dealing with his pathetic ass now.

Anyway, you have every right to make demands for your space.

And how in the world does a 7 year-old have stinky arm pits? My 12 and 13 year olds don't even have stinky arm pits yet, and they are well into puberty. Something's not right there.

I've got this issue, basically my partner has said the same thing as yours, "the kids can come in our room if they want". I'm not allowed in SD's room without asking, but she can come in ours. Also she has no personal hygiene, and I hate the fact that I go into my room and they are all (sd13 & ss8 & partner) in my nice clean bed all dirty and stinking it up. Then I have to ask them to get out so I can go to bed, then I look like the mean one. My partner will say SIGH "come on guys we have to get out now"..... So unfair. Like you I have had SD In on the bed watching more grown up shows, which was good for bonding, but BM put a stop to that as she said she didn't like what was being watched (don't think it would have really mattered what was being watched). I also feel that is my only personal space, and all my things are in there. I brought up the sex thing too - know what happened, no sex while the kids are at ours (we do one week on one week off).... Nothing I have tried has worked, and I don't have the luxury of having a study I can make my own space.

im having this issue as well, my bf wants his son to sleep with us occasionally
after breaking my ss sleep anxiety issue since hes used to sleeping with bm my bf now wants to toss this in there
myself personally feel our bed at night should be our private time whether we're both on our phones watching tv, talking or being intimate its like the only thing thats left that is just mine. i even feel when i have my own children they wont be in our bed - i know he only said occasionally but i just dont want it. and he said " I'm just more family oriented than you " and not to say its our bed because its YOUR bed.

like really? i even said if u feel you need that kind of time w. ur son sleep with him once ina while during nap or instead of rough housing for an hour play for 20 and cuddle and relax for the rest but he says no its not night time i want to go to sleep and wake up to him. hes 3 and he feels hes guna grow up and miss out on that.

No kids sleeping the the relationship bed ..... PERIOD! At least after they are infants.

Sitting on the bed watching TV and talking could be Okay IMHO but that bed belongs to the adults and both adults have veto rights over how it is used and who uses it.

You vetoed. There is no overturning a partner veto.

The first time I stayed with my partner and the kids he allowed the oldest one in bed with us, who spent the whole night wide awake, talking to DH and kicking me. That was the first and last time it happened.

Since then one of the kids might wake in the night and get in our bed. DH knows he must tell them they can have a cuddle with him for 5 minutes then it's back to their own bed. If DH falls asleep in that time I give him a helpful prod in the back!

Before we got married, DH allowed SD to watch TV in our room because "our bed was more comfy." At the time, we lived in a small apartment, but SD had her OWN room. I had to talk to DH about it. Since we got married and bought our own house, there are ZERO reasons why our room shouldn't be a kid free space. There is plenty ELSEWHERE for kids to go. In our master bath we have a large jacuzzi tub. When we first moved in, DH goes "You know ____ is going to want to take baths with the jets, right?" Um, NO. I put my foot down. I did NOT buy a house to have kid clothes laying on the bathroom floor, a dirty tub, and all of my personal things played with.

SD10 now knocks on our door and asks to come in. She doesn't ask to use our bathroom (there are 4 in the house for God's sake). Getting to this point took a couple of years though. 

I had to be very blunt about it "Well, I just got out of the shower and am getting ready to change. I need privacy please." 

"I am watching ________ and it's not an appropriate show for you to watch"

"You have the choice to go in either your room or _________"

SD eventually took the hint.

But really, wth is up with these men that let SK do whatever they please??? 

Why TF do you move your crap to the basement?  Time to grow a set and take control of your spaces in the home and purge the StepSpawn from those spaces.  LOCKS!  Retake your office and put a thumb print lock on the door that only you can open. The same for your bedroom.  DH only gets in when you give him access.  If he cannot recognize and defend the sanctity of your your marital bedroom, he does not need access to the marital bedroom unless you give him access on a case by case basis.  He calls you Hitler?  Show him Hitler.  And put it entirely on his shoulders both as the cause and as the fix.   He gets h is spawn under control... or you will and neither he nor they will like it much.

Though I did not have this level of drama when my Skid was at that age I did set and enforce the standards of behavior and performance I would accept in my home.  My wife had a choice.  If she did not like how I parented and disciplined she could step up and get it done before I had to, or she could have my back and bite her tongue until we could discuss it in private.  Never would I tolerate her not supporting me in front of SS any more than she would tolerate me not supporting her in front of my SS.

We worked it out. We partnered in raising SS and we were successful in that effort. Neither of us sacrificed our space,ourselves or our relationship to the Skid.  He learned to deliver to the behavioral and performance standards because we gave him no other choice.

Time for DH to gain this knowledge or ... he can suffer along with his ill behaved spawn.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.