Step daughter peeing herself on purpose
Hello everyone I am new here but wanted to sign up because I desperately need help with my ste daughter. I'll give a brief background of her and what's going on. Please understand that I'm very frustrated, angry, and emotionally exhausted by her so some things I say might come out not so politically correct. I'm not a bad person I'm just fed up with her behaviour and need an outlet to vent and also some help and guidance from others.
She is 6 years old. I got together with her dad 2 years ago when she was 4. She lived primarily with her mother who at that point was a recovering alcoholic, had been jailed and admitted to psych multiple times for alcohol induced psychosis. We would have her for about 7-10 days a month as my bf worked out of town, 2 weeks on/off. At this time her mom had been sober for 16 months and all was well. Altho I will note she was spoiled badly by her dad, probably his way of compensating for lost time. She had no bed time. She ruled the house. Had no manners, no rules or structure when she was with us. It being such a new relationship I felt I couldn't step in and make suggestions. He was completely blind to her bratty snotty behaviour. Fast forward to January 2020 I became pregnant. In April we move in to a new beautiful home. At the same time I have to go off work because I had hyperemesis - severe morning sickness al day and night and could not continue to work. Almost at the exact same time her mother fell off the wagon. We got a call from social services saying they don't know where she is. We track her down and I go pick her up. From that point she's now living with us and her mom eventually has visitation. Her mom was admitted to psych roughly 3 times for more induced psychosis episodes. Then in June her mother dies of an overdose - we are still not sure if it was accidental or not. We get the whole family together to break the news to her and shower her with support and love. We enrolled her in school here and things were going pretty good. Fast forward to sept 2020 the birth of my son. And her behaviour has been deteriorating since. So what I'm dealing with now is the worst behaviour I have ever seen from a child. Yes I know the reason for the behaviour but it doesn't make it easy to live with and it doesn't make it okay either.
She is: peeing her pants on purpose day and night. She has hurt my son 4 times, pinching, putting her full weight on his chest and lastly tried to stick a pointy object into his eye. I was trying to sleep train him but no longer I want him to sleep in his room because she honestly scares me. She is defiant and manipulative and there are times where I feel a frightening darkness in her. Two of my close friends independently picked up on this as well without my mentioning it prior to them. She is starting and getting in to fights at school. She is rude to, and has no respect for, authority at school. She is mean to her friends to the point where they no longer want to play with her. She's very jealous that she is no longer the star of the house, or I should say - the only star of the house. We honestly give her tons of attention and have made a point of that since the birth of my son. She has absolutely no respect for rules.
I understand she is grieving.. but why are all these issues happening now and not when her mother died?
I'm sorry but I've f***ing HAD IT with her. I don't want to see or hear her. I can't f***ing stand her anymore. There is nothing good about her anymore, it's all negative. The house is no longer a nice place to be. I don't want this to rub off onto my son and I hate that he's being raised in such chaos. I'm doing my best, but I'm getting to the point where I just hate her. I know that's a horrible thing to feel and to say but you have to understand that this is CONSTANT. She is CONSTANTLY doing something bad. CONSTANTLY bad attitude. CONSTANTLY whining and complaining. There's no breaks with her. It's all bad. I'm trying to do my best with her, I'm never mean, never yell but I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.
She's started counselling - everything was down due to covid in our area.
As for the peeing herself I have started to make her wash her underwear and pants by hand. And am going to start having her wash her dirty sheets (put in laundry machine herself). I'm on the fence about making her wear diapers because that'll only give more attention. But at the same time she's absolutely trashing her mattress.
please someone give me some guidance. Please don't judge me.
Wow, what a Lifetime Movie it
Wow, what a Lifetime Movie it's been for you. You poor thing, getting sucked into this mess.
It may sound wicked, but I'm glad the BM has passed. The child is better off not having that ish in her life. However, your H is now the only parent your SD has, meaning he needs to find a different job so he can be there to parent her. This is not something he can outsource, and the current arrangement is not working for anyone EXCEPT him.
You need to have a come to jeebus with him. Make it about what's best for SD, how she needs HIM, etc. He should be handling ALL the parenting of this troubled child.
First of all your first and
First of all your first and foremost duty is to protect your baby, even with your life if you have to. I would not have my baby and that brat with likely ODD living in the same house for another minute of another day. I would take my baby and move out or have my DH and his spawn move out. It's unfortunate that you would have to live separately from your spouse, but for your baby's life, sight and overall health, I would not live in that same house with a dangerous child.
Don't feel guilty about how you feel about your SD. No mother in her right mind would even remotely like a brat who is dangerous to her baby. Also, don't wonder what your DH will have to do to look after SD and who will take care of her when your DH is at work. That's his problem. Sorry to sound cold, but it's as much his responsibility to protect the other child in his home as it is yours. It's his responsibility to make sure his child doesn't maim his younger child.
I would have to put the safety of my baby first and tell myself that as sad as it is, my husband and I cannot live in the same house until the dangerous child is cured (verified by more than one trained therapist and after YEARS of intensive therapy), launches, or baby grows up and can defend himself.
I know this is a serious
I know this is a serious topic but I have to say you gave me a good laugh "DH and his spawn" just made me howl. My little one playing in his exersaucer looks over at me like wtf is wrong with mom? *fool*
thank you for your support and guidance. I did leave at one point, to my Moms but her place is so tiny (1BR 600sqt apartment condo and she works from home. Tho I'm of course welcome there it would be too much of a burden on her. ) and with only my maternity benefits I don't have enough monthly to move out on my own. But ohhh trust me it's rare for me not to absolute HATE being here. I'm a very calm quiet relaxed person and this chaos bothers me on so many levels. I get that kids are gonna be loud etc but this is another level of crazy. there's an evil that comes off of her every now and then that just sends chills down my spine. Others have picked up on her being "off". Please let me assure you my son is NEVER out of my sight when she is in the home. And yes I agree she likely does have ODD which will go on to a conduct disorder and sociopathy later on. I know it like I know the sun will come up in the morning.
I'm going to post an update at the bottom. But thank you friend, for your words and for the laugh :)
I understand how you must be feeling....
No matter how you look at this it is going to be a very long hard road. Even if there is any hope that SD can have some kind of normal life, I am afraid it is going to be a lot of work and commitment to get her there. I am very sorry for you it sounds like you sure have tried and this is a nightmare situation.
If it were me, I would take a little time away and think long and hard about what this commitment to this child means for you and YOUR child. Maybe you have a friend or relative you could visit for a weekend to get away to think. If you decide you can't do it, and you need to leave it doesn't make you a bad person at all. Most would have left a long time ago. It's a lot to ask when it is just you but asking your child to be subject to this isn't fair to him. Good luck.
So what's going to happen
So what's going to happen when you go back to work? What does your DH have planned for her?
I don't know what he has
I don't know what he has planned for his daughter but my mom will be retired by the time I go back - if I go back - and will be taking my son. But she will not take her. She watched her for a few days while I was in hospital post csection and that was enough for her.
Idk if anyone else has
Idk if anyone else has already said it, but aside from the emotional trauma this child has been through, she also likely has some physical problems. Meaning that the mother could jave been drinking and drugging during pregnancy and she may have fetal alcohol syndrome or other drug-related brain damage. Plus whatever genetic issues the mother may have had for mental illness or addiction. This will be a very long, hard road. This child will be hard to live with, possibly forever.
I agree she possibly drank at
I agree she possibly drank at times during the pregnancy but have no way of knowing
Peeing herself is not even on this evil spawn's RADAR screen.
This violent evil spawn's ass needs to remain at a tender cherry red stinging level 24/7 and she should wilt into a sniveling pile of shit in a corner at the very sight of your baby.
I would have that kid in a remote corner holding the intersecting walls apart with her nose every second that she was not under direct adult supervision. She would have no opportunty to cause my baby harm.
I cannot even immagine the hell that my parents would have rained down on me had I done the shit to my younger brothers that your POS Skid has attempted with your baby. I am 6years the elder and 8yrs the elder. They were my baby brother's. My role was to be their elder brother, to engage with them, to protect them, and to care for them.
Where is your husband in all of this? Why hasn't he shredded this POS kid for abusing his infant child? For God's sake.... sitting on his chest and stabbing him in the eye with a sharp object? Really?
That POS kid would rue the day, and every second of every day after she attempted to kill or blind my baby.
smh
That she is the elder sister of this baby makes her all that much more reprehensible.
Yes, get her help, but mitigate the risk she represents to your baby.
OP this is not advice you
OP this is not advice you should take other than getting your SD the help she needs.
While allowing her to crush the chest and puncture the eye
of an infant?
Really?
Great idea.
smh
I didn't say that.
I didn't say that.
Yet again, you advocate severe corporal punishment, and call a small child disgusting, vile names. "POS", "sniveling pile of shit".
Yep, those are great ways to handle a child who is obviously having serious problems, and those are GREAT names to call the child.
And yet.... we have the
And yet.... we have the proven risk of a smothered infant with an impaled eyeball.
Where is the focus on what is the real problem?
So you think extreme corporal
So you think extreme corporal punishment of the SD is going to somehow make things better? Obviously OP needs to protect her child. No one argues that.
Again, your rhetoric of what borders on physical or psychological abuse, and your continuing to use disgusting descriptors for children doesn't fly.
You know what they say about
You know what they say about opinions.....
Sure, I know. I say opinions
Sure, I know. I say opinions are like belly buttons: Everyone has one, and they are all kind of linty.
Yours, however, are abusive and offensive.
In your linty opinion.
In your linty opinion.
Again, please tell us how
Again, please tell us how basically beating a 6 y/o child who has had so much trauma in her life will help the situation.
Give us your forensic review.
A spanking is no beating.
A spanking is no beating. Two very different applications. One is corporal punishment, the other is either self defense or assault.
You can't stand not having
You can't stand not having the last comment.
Put water-proof sheets on her
Put water-proof sheets on her bed and make her do her own laundry - if she operatate a phone or x-box (which most 6 yo's can) she can operatore a washer and dryer. This is about the age I started teaching my kiddos.
Daddy needs to step up and take care of the abusive behavior. And set consequenses for the other behaviors.
My SS does remote counseling - not as effective as in person but it helps.
This girl is traumatized -
This girl is traumatized - she needs therapy. I'm sure it's hard to deal with her behavior, but she needs help.
No I will not be beating her.
No I will not be beating her. More physical and psychological trauma would only compound this problem.
PLEASE LET ME REASSURE YOU ALL she has never succeeded in harming my child and never will. He is always with me. I sleep with him during every nap and all through the night. She is never EVER alone with him. Trust me, I have put the fear of God in to this child about harming my baby. She does not go near him without looking at me first. And then I am right there and I watch. My bf is aware that she would be GONE if she ever did manager to hurt him. Gone as in residing with another family member or psych institute. We've had that conversation.
I signed up to this site to vent and to get some guidance on how to handle her with the peeing herself alfor attention and all the other constant S**T she does because they are wearing me down. I myself cannot leave at the moment. I have nowhere to go and no money to do so. So ME leaving won't be happening any time soon. However, I am hoping she can spend the summer at her maternal grandmothers home. Oh.. and you know what's just GREAT? The schools will be shut down in our area starting next week until the 27th.
how do I discipline her when discipline is a form of attention to her?
please don't fight amongst yourselves
I am relieved that you have
I am relieved that you have her under the constant hairy eyeball and she has no access to harm your baby.
As for discipline without attention..... empty a room in your home, run to an antique store and get a wooden writing desk, and have her write sentences, 10's of thousands of them, all in perfect handwriting, perfect grammar, and perfect spelling isolated in that room. She comes out to use the facilities and eat. For no more than 15 minutes at a time from the time she wakes up, until she goes to bed.
Get this kid into intensive behavioral modification therapy. NOW!
OP, your feelings are valid.
OP, your feelings are valid. This is a lot to take on and is above your expertise. You need to urge professionals to get involved, regardless of covid. There has to be some child mental heatlh supports even at the hospital still operating?
It’s time for specialists
Talk to and get advice from a clinical psychologist who specialises in children and family psychology.
This forum seems to be great for support, but your situation with this child is ultra complex and you need a strategic pathway forward mapped out for you and your husband to follow at home to address and resolve these behaviours.
I hope your situation drastically improves asap and that you can eventually build a positive relationship with your step daughter whilst keeping your son safe.
I'm in camp, Rags
I'm in camp, Rags
I would beat that kid until her ass bleed and I would keep doing it until she learned how not to behave
Also, another word the wise...try not to get pregnant by a man who's kid is a hot mess
*The More You Know*