Two Different Lives
I want to start off by saying I love my husband. He’s my best friend. But I feel like we’re in the same situation, but having two totally different experiences. It’s bizarre, unnatural, and unfortunate. He’s a father. I’m not a mother and never will be. So we’re always going to view matters, having different priorities. He’s going to have emotional reactions based on unconditional love for his child. I’m going to have logical reactions, based on being able to see his child and the situation objectively. I wish I could experience this situation so flooded with oxytocin that poor behavior has no lasting effect.
When you don’t have a mutual child together, how do find that middle ground where you are on the same page?
Is it possible?
Do any of you ever feel this way?
I've given up on deciding
I've given up on deciding when to open my mouth and when to keep it shut. No point attempting to use reason on someone who is just not going to see it. I just let him handle everything now. Like you said, having your input dismissed or rejected just causes resentment. If things were different, I would be different.
First of all I think you are
First of all I think you are giving too much allowance for the emotional reactions. I am a mother, adore my 3 children, but yet I do believe I manage to have unconditional love toward my children, yet also be logical regarding their behaviors and faults.
I'm not being sarcastic, and
I'm not being sarcastic, and please don't take this that way. I think all parents to some degree think they are balanced with their emotions, and logical regarding their children's flaws. That doesn't make it reality. I'm not looking down on any Bio for doing that. If I were a parent, I'm sure I would be the same way.
I can relate notasm. Illogic
I can relate notasm. Illogic and nonsense drives me up the wall.
NJmom, how are you able to be this way in your relationship? I'm curious because it seems to me that society expects a stepparent to allow behaviors in their home they wouldn't under any other circumstances.
I can relate, and am in the
I can relate, and am in the same boat as you.
Have learned to just let most things go - barring disrespect towards me. That I no longer tolerate
H is a loving parent but fails to ever take any action when his eldest is out of line. I give him credit he's disengaged from her quite a bit. But still, she pulls all sorts of manipulative things on he and I and H just takes it. We used to argue about these things until I realized we will never, ever, see his kids in the same light
My motto is unless I can't say something nice about them - which goes over well on the occasions I do of course - not to say anything at all
The exception is disrespect towards me. And even in that case, I avoid involving H and prefer to face dicrectly whether it's his eldest daughter or his conniving sister
It's not just DH, its
It's not just DH, its EVERYONE related to the skids in my situation. DH, BM, in-laws, EVERYONE thinks they see how the skids are, but they are not looking at it with logic or truth, they are looking at it with hope-filled glasses. They SAY the skids are getting better over time, and that they're turning a corner, but it must be the longest corner EVER because I see that not only aren't they getting better, they're actually getting worse. I don't know why the cognitive dissonance hasn't hit yet, but I guess it's more of the situation of, if I repeat something often enough, I'll start to believe it's true. They also have the habit of all talk, no action. DH knows he needs to be consistent, knows his kids need boundaries, consequences, etc., but doesn't do it when it comes right down to actual situations. All talk, no action. So his kids learn that all they have to do is put up with a little yelling from him, then they'll still get their way. M-I-L says that what she does is get really close and whisper to them to get them to do what she wants (which I find creepy, personally), but what I see is that both she and F-I-L yell at them even more than DH does, still with no consequence or follow-through. B-I-L is the only one who even attempts to do anything with them, but not enough that they take him seriously. Before I disengaged, I was the only one who wasn't messing around with them, and that made me the bitch, so I stepped away, especially after I kept hearing the "She's not a parent, so she doesn't know" thing (PS, I've been working with kids for 20 years, and I'm a certified special educator). BM pretty much admits that she doesn't do a thing about them, and her mom doesn't because BM has established that her mom is just there to be a doormat, and the skids treat her as such. It's a freaking mess, so you're not the only one, girlfriend, I hear you completely! It's very frustrating!