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4 year old SD ending

Lynn.andre's picture

My 4 year old SD does not want to come over anymore. When my husband goes to pick her up from her BM she ignores him, acts like a baby and whines. But 15 min with us her personality completely changes. Today she said she doesn't want to come over and stay at mommys all the time. I told her that if she doesn't want to be a part of the family she won't be able to see her grandparents or puppies or anyone, she said okay and she just wants to always stay at mommys. Even after telling her it hurt us she thought that. And I asked if she was sure. Once again said yes. Later on in the day I asked her about what she said and she had the same response. She is pretty advanced for a four year old and grasps things that an older child should. Her BM house she rules the roost. Does what she wants, sleeps in bed every night with her BM
and has no bed time. Every time they go out her BM will buy my SD a toy. The other day she bluntly told me after me saying i was not going to buy her a toy that her mommy does and if i dont she said said " i will just throw a fit then" Her BM just let's her play on the lap top an watch tv all day. I know this is coming from her house being a free for all and our house having structure and rules. How do I stop this resentful behavior and acting out before it ony get worse? It is only bad the first few hours or first night we get her from her BM. We have her half the time and this behavior happens quite often! I knew this day would come bc of the two very different households but not at age 4. Help!!

amber3902's picture

You are giving the four year old just as much control in your home as she has in BM's home.

If SD says she doesn't want to visit anymore you shut that down. Too bad, NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. Four year olds do not get to decide visitation.

Does your DH back you up or does he let you do all the parenting? DH needs to step up and make his daughter mind.

Tips on how to make her mind: If she acts up at your house put her in time out. If she gets out of time out put her right back in. Keep at it and DO NOT GIVE UP. Keep putting her into time out until she stays. The rule is one minute for every year of their age, so for her time out would be four minutes.

Think of yourself as a teacher and how would you control a classroom of little kids, with rewards and punishments. Set up a system, be it a sticker chart, or play dollars, whatever you think would work with her. When she's good she earns a sticker. If she's bad the sticker is crossed off. When she's earned so many stickers she gets a prize, a treat, trip to toy store, you get the idea. Don't worry about what goes on at BM's house. Kids know who will let them get away with things. The same kid that won't listen to his parents will listen to his teacher because she makes him mind and is consistent.

But you and DH need to get on the same page and DH needs to be doing the majority of the parenting.