4 yr old SD issues!!! Does it get better or should I just give up?
I guess I am looking for some advice or direction from those who have or are experiencing this, or maybe have some knowledge about how to deal with this situation and hopefully make it better.
My 2 year old son and I moved in with my boyfriend about 3 months ago. Before that, I often spent time with him and his three kids, ss9, sd7 and sd4. I always gave him his space around them but they actually liked me and would often ask to ride with me (since we don't fit in either of our cars all together) and even play with me etc. We thought all was dandy, we love each other, even talked about having a child together, and it seemed like we would blend nicely.
He works out of town (his company provides room and food) and only comes home on the weekends, which actually works out schedule wise for me as I am a full time nursing student and spend most of my nights studying or reading. You can imagine my stress level and tolerance is pretty high, going to nursing school and having a very strong-willed 2 yr old. A few weeks after me moving in, SD4 started to turn into a very different child. I now see that this child has some real attention issues, or maybe I am wrong and this is just 4 yr olds?
A little history, during his relationship with his ex, (who was pregnant with ss9 when she met my bf, in other words it is not his biological son but he has raised him as his own) bf had issues with alcoholism and she ended up leaving him after sd4 was born, soon after remarried and has another child with her new husband. Bf went through a midlife crisis at 24, was heartbroken, destroyed emotionally when she remarried, and and 2 yrs ago started recovering his life through AA. He has so much guilt about not being present everyday in his kids life that the 2 days a week he has them he refuses to scold or discipline them for anything!!! Especially the 4 yr old. Then he has all these reasons as to why she is so fragile and delicate and can't be scolded, disciplined or feel bad about anything, because she got sick a lot as a baby, had pneumonia and was in the hospital... etc etc.... the list goes on and on.
Everyone in the family adores this child, and she knows it, they baby talk her and she does it back. The way they treat her like she is 10 months old make me sick and you can literally see how she loves it and uses it to manipulate her father into everything that she wants. At first it didn't bother me too much, she was only around for 2 days and went home at night. Now however, he lets them stay the night, and of course allows them all to sleep in our bed. This usually results in me not having room in the bed and I end up going and sleeping with my son, who is 2 and has no issues with bedtime or sleeping in his own bed. I have even bought and inflated an air mattress for the kids but they all end up in our bed and he allows it. I told him I couldn't get any sleep when they were all in our bed and he started having the older two sleep on the air mattress.
BUT OF COURSE, the fragile, delicate, made out of sugar little 4 yr old HAS to sleep in our bed. At first that seems okay, she is tiny and didn't take up much room. I personally am opposed to co-sleeping after a few months old, needless to say at 4. But he feels its a way of spending time with her.
Over his christmas vacation, he decided to bring her home with us for a whole week, the older kids were in school and he had a week off. He had some things to do, so I ended up watching her for hours at a time. There had always been occasional scuffles between her and my son, but usually we just attributed it to my son being a toddler and not wanting to share or preferring to engage in parallel play, while she would rather play with him. I started to see what was really happening most of the time, I would take a toy away from both of them due to fighting and she would go and find it, then tease him with it thinking I couldn't hear her or see her. She started doing things to physically hurt him, then start crying and say that he had hit her, when I had seen with my own eyes that he was plying alone and she would pinch him or push him to instigate him. Then, anytime her fathers attention was even for a second on me or my son, she would physically put herself in between and do whatever she had to do to get her fathers attention. She throws temper tantrums, and bf's reaction is to coddle her and baby her and give her attention. Then she started just telling lies for attention, we were at the store and out of the blue she just started crying and saying that my son hits her, when he was in a separate cart 10 ft away from her the entire time. Naturally her father rewards her with , "aww poor baby, tell him not to hit you ok." She constantly asks him to buy her things, which I guess is expected, but he does it and constantly spoils her way more than any of the other kids.
Okay, so I chopped it all up to just her reacting to her environment and being a 4 yr old. But then, during this week that she stayed with us, in my opinion she crossed the line. She was sleeping in our bed, and noticed that he had fallen asleep with his arm around me. She woke up and and came and wedged her self in between us, waking me up. I simply moved over (we have a king size bed) so that there was at least 2 feet between her and I and I was no where near either of them. I start to fall back asleep, and she starts KICKING ME!!! Literally pushing me out of the bed with her feet. I moved over more, trying to be patient. She moved over and continued. I finally told her to stop an she started crying and woke him up . He babied her, rolled her over on his other side.
In the morning he acted like nothing had happened, so I told him what she had done. He simply asked her in his babying voice if she had done that and why, and she just gave him the puppy eyes and shrugged her shoulders. He did nothing, not even tell her not to do it again. This of course started a huge fight.
SHe continued this at night, until she would start to pull my hair and pinch me anytime she could when he was asleep. I eventually snapped at her and picked her up and placed her on the floor with blankets and pillows. SHe of course continued to come back to our bed. After that week, he basically told me he felt guilty because his ex yells and spanks a lot (I can see why) and he wants to be the good guy. However, he has no problem reprimanding my son or telling him that things are wrong or bad. In fact one day he snapped at him for kicking the back of his seat in the car, I remind him he was only 2 and he snapped at me. Yet, he constantly uses his daughter being "little" or "the baby" as an excuse for her behavior.
I recently started avoiding spending time with his kids as often as possible. They hardly ever spend the night now but when they day we have the same issue with her in bed.
I have started to feel guilty for hating this child, I know she is only reacting to her situation and environment but it is ruining our time together and making me want to just leave. I really care for him and I believe I love him, but now I cannot stand to be near his kids. I dread weekends, which is really our only time together, because he has to go get them every Saturday morning first thing and doesn't take them back until night, same thing on Sundays.
I know this was very long and if you hung in there and read it all thank you so much!! I have few people I can talk to about this and there are times I wonder if I am just a complete jerk or if I have a legitimate reason to feel this way.
Has anyone gone through this? What do I do, he has pretty much told me that if I have an issue with her I need to talk to her myself, which I have tried but she ignores me or starts crying which then just causes him to coddle her more. He literally has told me he doesn't believe the things I have seen her do, he doesn't believe her capable of doing anything wrong. He has told me this. On top of this, he constantly defends his exes ridiculous demands and actions, and allows her to control everything that has to do with the kids, she refuses to pay for anything herself and since she found out that he has a new woman in the home she has started so much drama with the kids. She stopped allowing the oldest to come most of the time and has even asked her kids to put me on the phone to argue with me because of lies that the 4 yr old tells her.
Uggghhh... I actually feel better just ranting. Thanks.
DONT GIVE UP, THE KID IS ONLY
DONT GIVE UP, THE KID IS ONLY 4! YOU HAVE TIME! THE CHILD CAN BE MOLDED!
if, after age say 8, the child is not getting better, then give up, cause 4 yrs is a looong time to put up with shit.
Yes, the kid can be molded.
Yes, the kid can be molded. The man, however, needs help. He is going to destroy all of his kids, and yours, if he doesn't learn how to be a father.
He is doing a horrible job. If you think his reaction to her behavior will change think again. If you think he will suddenly be more tolerant of your son, think again. If you think he will ever treat his other kids fairly, think again. He has decided that he can be redeemed by giving this kid anything and everything she wants. He will single handedly destroy her.
Let me tell you a true freakin' story about this. It's a painful story, about my brother.
My brother had three kids. He had alot of problems with prescription pain pills and had alot of guilt over this. He worked full time and so did his wife, but always felt guilty. He absolutely coddled his youngest. She was beautiful and funny and he thought she could do no wrong. She actually was pretty awesome, but the other two kids were put away to the side. They didn't get as much attention and never were consider right to her wrong, ever. He managed to build alot of resentment between his older two and the youngest.
One day, a pretty fall afternoon, (they lived in Montana country) the oldest, a fifteen year old boy was playing with his younger sister. Younger sister is jumping up and down on the bed. Oldest reaches to the corner of the room and grabbed a shotgun, (seemingly unloaded, right?) These are country people, hunt, fish, and guns are everywhere. Well, gun was pointed to her as she jumped up and down. Maybe he did think that it was unloaded, maybe he was counting on it. Maybe he hoped it was. Who knows. He shot a hole through her eight year old body the size of a dinner plate. She died, of course, instantly.
Three years later, he feels so guilty, he ends up mixed with drugs and crime and lands in jail. He gets in a fight and is beat to death. He's gone at eighteen.
My brother feels so eternally guilty, of course, for causing these horrible things to happen to his family. He dies of a damn broken heart. In his sleep. He just died at 48 years old. No medical cause. He just died. This is all, swear on a bible, true. All because of one father not treating his children fairly, and not being a good disciplinarian.
I have literally told him he
I have literally told him he is going to ruin her, turn her into a brat, but he sees no bad on her, of course. I totally agree with you that he needs help, but I guess I am so afraid of going through another heart break and dealing with another failed relationship. I went through a lot of soul searching after my last relationship, and made a lot of conscious decisions about my attitude and actions that were detrimental to my past relationship. What is terrible is that my son is actually very attached to him, granted he is a bit unfair when my son throws tantrums or misbehaves, but when they get along they get along great. He even calls him "papa", I know my son is in difficult stage so I guess I have been trying to give him the benefit of a doubt, I mean I lose my patience with my toddler all the time and want to rip my hair out, so I can imagine how he feels.
I guess I know what needs to happen, I just have to muster up the strength and the guts to do it.
Thanks.
Someone said it here earlier
Someone said it here earlier today...something about frogs being put in warm water. It gradually gets hot, then boiling and they never try to escape. Don't be a frog.
I have considered this, I
I have considered this, I have tried everything to win this kids affection, given her space, been passive and accepting, and to no avail. I am not sure what you mean by this.
So, to your question...walk
So, to your question...walk away is my advice. Tell him honestly that he needs help and walk away. If you want YOUR son to be happy, that's my opinion.
WOW WOW WOW!!! THE Sleeping
WOW WOW WOW!!! THE Sleeping in the bed was MAJOR issue for me and my BF. he use to let his two sleep with him bc felt it was spending time with him-bullshit yall are sleeping get real. I told me BF b4 moved in that would be stopped, so he started getting them use sleeping in their beds WAY b4 i started staying so that i wouldnt like like the villian. His 4 yr old actually snunk in the bed one night and it was the WROSE night of sleep i EVER had and i told him that would NEVER happen again. lol
Move out but continue to
Move out but continue to date.
If things don't work, it will be easier to move on.
Did you move into his home? If so, why didn't he have beds for his kids?
I wonder if he is over BM. Their marriage ended because of his drinking.
I wonder the same thing... I
I wonder the same thing... I have been picking up on little things, well big things, that make me think he might not be over her. I mean he pursued me as a single man, and he admits that he had a tough time getting over her 3 yrs ago. His drinking was an issue in they relationship, but it sounds like there were a lot of issues at the time.
I moved into his home, it is a 3 bedroom (2 technically) home, a very close family friend of his lives in the other bedroom, and he has talked about asking him to leave but I have told him I don't mind. There is den/3rd room that connects via a half wall to our master bedroom and we have turned that into a room for my son. The kids never slept over night until I came into the picture. For whatever reasons he had fears of having the girls sleep over until I was here. I guess he figures since I am woman it's ok now.. not really sure his rationale behind that whole issue but I guess because there is another male here he was, in his mind, playing it safe. So that's why they didn't have beds here.
Thanks, I needed to hear
Thanks, I needed to hear something that offered hope. I am going to try this, but unfortunately I know this will be a battle with him because he is completely and consiously passive with all behavior. Its nice to hear that its possible. Love your quote by the way.... good laugh.
I read it all… I also tend to
I read it all… I also tend to write a lot too. Anyway, we share some common problems. I have lived with my gf and her 6yo daughter for over 6 months now. To start, her daughter was diagnosed with asd before she was 2. After intense intervention and a lot of work from my gf, she is very “normal” now or neurotypical. About 1 year ago she tested off the spectrum which means the doctors said she was “cured”. But just a few months ago she tested back on the spectrum. This background info is important because it proves how “normal” she is but also proves she still has some spectrum traits.
With that being said, we share similar problems. My “SD” is the center of the universe in her eyes. And her family and everyone she is close to treats her like she in fact is the center of the universe. They, meaning my gf, say they all do this to build confidence… I say it builds narcissism and undeserved self-entitlement. And she too is very “fragile” emotionally. She is not punished/ disciplined enough, so when she needs to be/should be usually she is not. But I do have a little pull in the relationship and sometimes either I punish or I convince my gf to punish her. And it always results in a cry fest. And I’ve only seen her punished/disciplined maybe 4 times. What really happens is she does something bad/wrong and as soon as you start to “give her a talking to” she starts crying. I believe this is because she doesn’t get enough discipline.
Our house has rules, simple ones. No yelling, hitting, running, jumping on furniture, eating outside of kitchen/dining room so on… we were recommended to print and hang the list of rules and go over them with her daughter and explain what happens if they are broken. Well to say the least, she breaks nearly every one of them every day. Usually nothing happens. No punishment, sometimes her mom will remind her of the rule she broke but that’s it. What good does that do? But even that “reminder” will set off the crying. Which in return get my gf to go coddle her and hug and kiss her. And gently explain why she was getting “ a talking to”…
Please at this point I recommend you read my “tantrums, a childs tool for control and world domination” in the parenting issues section.
I believe the coddling gets the opposite effect you need when disciplining a child. Her daughter cannot handle the natural consequences of her actions. If she is not taught now she will grow up not being able to handle the real world.
When we eat diner if her daughter will not focus on eating and plays around and I say this is not play time. Eat your diner. She will whine and say I need help (no she doesn’t) and will say “I wanna sit on your lap mama”. So mama lets her and then proceeds to feed her daughter like she is a baby. While she just sits there. She will say open up and spoon feed her. She is 6!
When she is tired she is a big baby. And the minute her mom says “oh you’re a tired little girl” her daughter starts the baby talk… which I hate. And at that point she can behave how ever she wants. She will break rules and I will call her out on it and mama will just say “she is tired, leave her alone”. I’m convinced her daughter had caught on to this by now and is taking advantage of the leeway she gets during her “tired” time.
I’m not trying to make her mom look like a monster. She is an awesome mom and gf. Her ex is the worst part of this. He totally lets there’re daughter take advantage of him and manipulate him. He has her 2-3 days a week and during that time she gets and can do whatever she wants. Candy and ice-cream all day kind of situation. So he is not helping at all. And from what I understand, his whole family is the same with her. My gf is fighting an uphill battle. Just like you. But I’m fighting a battle with my gf also.
We have different parenting methods. Kind of like you and him. My gf saw her daughter with a much more severe case of asd. She is just happy her daughter can talk. So when she yells and annoyingly repeats words constantly it doesn’t bother her. So usually I have to be the bad guy and tell her to quiet down and please stop saying that, it’s annoying. Sometimes her mom does that too but she will say be quiet, because it’s too loud for me. Meaning me not her.
She is being taught there is a difference between me and my gf, and she is starting to use it to her advantage. I don’t think my gf sees what I do. Like your bf. My nights to put her in bed I accomplish everything, brush teeth, change in to jammies, wash face, potty, and read a book in bed in about 20 min. I skip the wash her feet like my gf does.. but this takes my gf about 1 ½” hours usually. Because her daughter knows there is no messing around with me. But it’s all fun and games with her mom… mom wont “punish” her for goofing around at bed time. I just selfishly want more time with my gf…
Now I would like to direct you to my “6 year old step daughter wakes up every night crying and screaming” post in the parenting issues area. Co sleeping is discussed there. I got a lot of good advice and reassurance from some nice people there.
I want to end by saying my sd is a very good girl. There are just a few behavioral issues that need to be corrected. I’m getting the expected resistance from my sd. But I’m also getting some un-expected resistance from my gf. She admits it’s hard to take advice from someone that’s not her kids parent. And I don’t have any kids of my own. But that doesn’t mean I and you don’t have good ideas. She is trying to adapt some of my “techniques”.
Over time I believe we will work together well. I think you guys will be able to work that out if he is willing to accept what you’re telling him. I know it’s not easy for parents to take others advice but he has to appreciate is it takes guts to even TRY and say something to a parent about their kid. That you must care for TRYING. My gf took offence to my suggestions and criticisms for a while. She eventually realized I was just trying to make things work. Sometimes it takes others to see what you don’t. Meaning what your bf might ignore or not see… you might.
The other behaviors you mention in regards to the kids interaction with other kids I cannot comment on. I don’t experience those issues. Whatever the issues, you and him need to be on a united front. He should believe you and work with you more. The sleep problem I can relate too big time. Just read my post s and you’ll see. I hope you read all of this… I always have a lot to say… Good luck though!!
Thank you so much, Im going
Thank you so much, Im going to go check out your posts you suggested. Sounds like you have a bit more complexity to your situation because of her previous asd, but again the issues are pretty much the same. Im off to go read your posts...