Hi!

I will apologize in advance about the length because this has been happening over a span of 3 years.

Background Info: I have a 19 year old daughter who now lives with her dad. My fiance of 3 years has a 14 year old son that he had with his first ex-wife. His son comes to visit with him every other weekend. Also, my boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 3 years, together for about 3 1/2 years. Here's my long story:

First off, I would like to clarify by saying that my fiance is a WONDERFUL father. I honestly wish my daughter's dad could have been in her life and crazy over her like my fiance is over his son. I totally respect him being in his child's life, and wouldn't want it any other way. But I'm starting to wonder is there a thin line between my fiance being too over-protective over his son to the point where I feel like I'm invisible or don't matter when his son is at our apartment? There's nothing wrong with being over-protective of your child, because I'm the same way with my daughter, but I also know her, her behavioral pattern and usually if someone has told me what she's done (especially when she was younger, hence the reason behind her moving with her dad at 15 in the first place.), I'd more than likely believe them because I know her. I wouldn't be quick to get offensive with them because indeed, my daughter definitely went through a rebellious stage in her early to mid-teens and did a lot of things that she shouldn't have. She's a sweet young lady, but I also knew what she was capable of doing back then. Present day, she's done a tremendous turn around.

She's my only child, only daughter so of course it's natural, as with any other parent who's crazy over their children to love and protect them. But I don't think I've ever been so protective to the point where it has ruined relationships or even friendships. Anyway, I first met my fiance's son 3 years ago. Overall, he's a very sweet kid and has little behavioral problems. However, like his dad, he tends to have a smart mouth and a sarcastic attitude in general. I don't believe he talks to his mom or dad any differently, because my fiance has told me times when he'd get smart with his mom or even him. How do they go about correcting this behavior? I have no idea. But it irks me to my soul that I have now disengaged myself from his son completely. The first reason is because I'm tired of arguing with him over his son. Of course he'll take up for his son and ALWAYS lets him have his way. But I can NEVER bring ANYTHING up concerning his son's smart mouth without his dad and I arguing over it. It's gotten so bad that for the past couple of years, I will stay in our bedroom the entire time his son is here. Example: One night, me, my fiance, his son and my daughter decided to watch the Mayweather fight together. Everything was going well until his son took a pillow and hit me in the head with it. It wasn't hard, but I felt it was disrespectful. I told him something along the lines of, "Stop that!", and yes, I was angry because I felt he shouldn't have done that in the first place. His dad didn't see it, but when I told him about it, he became defensive that I was offended off of what his son did. He said that he was sure that his son was just joking(which I knew that he was), because he wrestles and does things like that with his mom. And that's fine. But just because your son can do it with his own mom, doesn't mean that everyone should be receptive to that type of playing around. I told his dad that if his son didn't apologize to me, that he would feel that he could play around like that with me all of the time, and it could possibly get worse because I'm SURE that had I hit his son in the head with a pillow, and accidentally hurt him, his dad would have broken things off with me immediately. Long story short, his son apologized at his dad's behest and the night went on.

But to back up a bit, before any of this ever went down, I made it my business to not be around at our apartment on the weekends his son would be here. I already KNEW that his son would be a very touchy and sensitive topic because my fiance in general is a very sensitive person, and it doesn't take much to offend him over things. Also, I had several chances to see for myself how he treats his son when he's with us. He caters to him and whatever his son wants, he gets, and that's sweet. His dad SHOULD do things that he wants for him. But when it gets to the point where it seems that your son is running the show all of the time, something has to give. Naturally, he'd be sensitive over his son, no matter what his son would say or do. After making myself scarce whenever his son would be over, my fiance shared with me how much he misses me when I'm away. I decided to be gone on the weekends his son would be around because I knew that sooner than later, a situation would arise where his son would be involved, and we would fall out over it. I REALLY tried to avoid the train wreck that I saw coming, but it happened anyway. Even though my fiance said he misses me while I'm away, I decided to give it another shot and stay home on the weekends his son would be here. The week leading up to his son's arrival, my mood would always change because I knew that when his son would be here, I'm non-existent and if I DID decide to interact with his son and his son would get sarcastic or smart with me and I said something about it, that my fiance would be mad with me over speaking up over his son's smart mouth.

There was another occasion where we all(the 4 of us) had plans to go to this fourth of July event. Last minute, my daughter and I had a disagreement which upset me, so I decided to opt out of the event, leaving my fiance and his son to go on without me. However, once they made it back, my fiance stormed into our bedroom while I was on the phone and started screaming, "If you don't want to be in my son's life then you can leave!!! You think you're better than my son and me!!" And I was like, "What??!!" He was so mad that I didn't spend time with him and his son, that he moved all of his clothing out of our bedroom closet, including the stereo. His own son asked him, "Dad, what are you doing??" I'm SURE his son heard the disrespectful things he was yelling at me. If his own son sees that his dad could talk to his girlfriend that way, then what would make his son feel the need to respect me? I felt his father was responsible for creating such tension. He never bothered to even ask me why I didn't go in the first place. I had to basically tell him that my daughter, her father and I were at serious odds off of some things she had done and that had simply ruined my mood to go anywhere. I know it was selfish of me to back out. But I would have rather stayed home and be a sourpuss, than being a sourpuss out in public while my fiance and his son were out trying to enjoy themselves.

There have been SEVERAL instances where his son would get smart with me, and I would do nothing or either laugh it off (same thing his dad does), than correct him in front of his dad because I knew if I did that, his dad would have been pissed at ME. So all of this time, I've been holding it in. There was another occasion where I asked his son about this girl he had been interested in. However, his son blatantly ignored me, and never even acknowledged my question. Instead of saying he didn't want to talk about it, he just stared into his laptop as if I haven't said a word. His dad told him something along the lines of, "That's not nice". Apparently "That's not nice" doesn't work on most kids, especially if they are repeating the same pattern of sarcasm. Of course when that situation was brought up, my fiance said, "Well, I DID talk to him and told him that wasn't nice of him to ignore you like that, but by then you had walked out because you were offended." Of COURSE I was offended! You mean to tell me that YOUR son totally ignored my question, and you're bothered because it offended me??!! And that's the way it usually goes when his son is here-his SON runs the apartment and I'd rather not be a part of that. There was another time, not too long ago, where his son was here at our apartment for an entire WEEK. I couldn't take it any longer, so I left and went out of town until his son left. I didn't want to be holed up in our bedroom that entire week out of fear that his son would say something smart or sarcastic with me, and his dad would just laugh it off, or get mad at me if I brought it up, or decided to correct him. He says I'm just making a big deal out of it because that's just how his son is, he "jokes" a lot. But I really thought that when you're joking with someone, THEY will find it funny as well. I haven't seen anything funny about the way his son talks to me or any other adult as if they are his age.

My fiance has even ADMITTED to me that I'm not the only one who thinks his son has a smart mouth. He's gotten smart with his mom, dad, his dad's friends and of course me. However, when I'm the one who brings it up, he becomes offensive with me. My fiance and I have had a VERY rocky relationship in the past, but are now working on getting things back on track. I'm even considering leaving our bedroom to become social with his son again, but am very apprehensive about it because I don't like the way his son talks to me at times, while his dad sees nothing wrong with it. He dotes on him and spoils him all of the time and while that's very sweet and thoughtful, I believe he has a blind eye to his son's behavior at times. He's 14, and his dad will still fix his plate for him when they're about to eat! He pours his drinks for him! All of this is so annoying because my daughter knew how to fix her OWN plate when she was MUCH younger than 14! I figure that this is his son's other home when he's away from his mom. So if it's his home too, he should know how to get up and fix his own plate, at minimum. While my fiance and I were going through the rocky times, I didn't feel the need to socialize with his son when I couldn't even get along with his own dad. I didn't want to be fake around his son, "laugh it up" and so forth, but as soon as his son leaves, he's either yelling in my face or getting physical with me. It's been a year since we have fought, but I have now conditioned myself into staying in our bedroom and away from him and his son when he's here so much to the point that I have grown used to it. I have no idea what to do anymore because at this point, I feel uncomfortable around his son out of fear that he will eventually say something smart or sarcastic to me, and I'm unable to say anything to him about it without his dad jumping to his defense and telling me to back off. I feel like so much damage has already been done that I don't even know where to begin to get things back on track, while conditioning myself once again to ignore his son's smart remarks as he looks on and laughs because of course, everything his son does is "cute".

Lastly, ever since I've known his son, my fiance has never had the decency to ask me if it's OK for him to leave his son with me when he's out running errands. He'll just leave. He'll give HIS SON the option on whether or not he wants to stay home with me, or go with his dad. But he has NEVER given me the luxury of having the option to choose whether or not I feel like looking out for his son when he's away. He's usually gone from 30 minutes to maybe a few hours. But again, I feel he should have the decency to at least ask me if it's OK for him to leave his son with me. Although my daughter is 19, and she doesn't live with us, I will ask him (although I've only left her with him ONCE), I will still ask him if it's OK that my daughter stays with him while I go and run an errand. Given the face that his son is still a minor, he becomes MY responsibility once his dad leaves, and I feel he shouldn't be given the option of whether he stays home with me because I'm the one who has to watch him and I feel my fiance does not respect my schedule. Granted, I usually go nowhere on the weekends, but I feel I should have the option of watching his son or not, since he gives his son the option of whether he wants to stay home with me while his dad is gone.

It would be great if we all could get along and be able to correct each other's child if they say or do something that's..."not so nice" all of the time. But I have a feeling that will never happen...

I honestly had no problem bonding with his son in the beginning, because it seemed like his son and I were hitting it off and enjoying each other's company. But IMO, if the parent is that sensitive over his child, it makes you not want to be around his child out of fear that you will have to just allow his son to say whatever he wants, and you say nothing about it. I really don't agree with parents who are like that, so I tend to back off when I meet someone who is.

Again, sorry for the book. But any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!