Advice for sibling bonding

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My stepson is 6 years old and we get him every weekend. His dad and I have been together for four years and have a two-year-old daughter together. He has never been too interested in her although she absolutely adores him. She ALWAYS wants to be around him when he is here, but I try to keep her occupied elsewhere because he says she annoys him and he will make physical barricades to keep her away. I have always had a problem with feeling comfortable in disciplining him in any way. For the first few years, his BM hated me so I didn't want any risk of him going home and saying he didn't like me or I had scolded him, so I would just let his dad handle anything that came up. It is now the same way, I discipline my daughter but not him. The most confrontational I have been with him was when he was threatening to hit her and said he was going to shoot her and I said he needed to stop talking violently. I get SO angry when he is mean to her, and it breaks my heart that he ignores her when she loves him so much. He has NEVER done anything with her unless told by his dad. Today it made me crack, I went to drop them off at school and dropped my daughter off at her daycare first. He walked in with me and when I set her down she started crying and ran up to him and held his legs. He stood there absolutely stone-faced staring at the wall. The teacher came to grab my daughter and him and I left the room. He immediately began laughing like a loud cackle and then began to mock her cries. It hurt me so bad and instead of feeling anger I started to feel fear for her. I told his dad what happened and he said he is going to have to have a talk with him. I don't know if I am overreacting but I am scared of this talk happening. I am scared whenever he gets in trouble because of how he treats his sister because I feel like it will make him feel even more negatively towards her. I just feel like it's one thing for siblings to have a relationship where they play together and have normal emotions and yes can hurt each other at times, but it scares me that his only emotions towards her is anger, mocking and ignoring. What I want is for them to be able to bond. I just have no idea how that can happen. He doesn't want to be around her and I'm not sure if it would be better for me to keep her away from him so he isn't bothered or to have her "annoy" him. I know I'm going a little off the handle but I started wondering if he has a problem with empathy. He has been in trouble multiple times for hurting puppies and he bullies kids that are smaller than him. I'm just scared and not sure what to do. Is this normal? Will they bond more as they get older? Should I let her go about the house freely or try to keep her away? Forgive me, I tend to think very black and white but now it is a fear in my head to get a call from their Dad saying my daughter is in the hospital or worse from him hurting her. I feel like I have to be overreacting I just have no idea what to do!!

2 and 6 can be kind of hard

2 and 6 can be kind of hard to mesh I guess.. esp boy vs girl.. But his dad should definitely be fostering a "family unit" and that he IS related to his sister. It may not be until they are older that they really bond... if at all.. I'm not overly close with my bio brother.. though we were closer as children.

He abuses animals and younger kids

He has also threatened her?!?

Why in heaven would you want this feral awful child around your daughter?

No, do not encourage bonding. Keep the psycho kid away from your daughter.

This is your SOs monster. Keep them separated and do not let them alone together.

Agree.

I'm not a believer in the

I'm not a believer in the "well they're family" thing. Toxic is toxic. I actually think it's even worse if the toxic person is family because its harder to get away from them and its going to cause drama among the rest of the family. I mean, I'm not saying the 6 year old is for sure going to be a toxic person, I'm just saying I wouldnt feel the need to try to force bonding just because they share a tiny percentage of DNA more with them than a random person.

It doesn't sound like you are going to be able to get him to bond. I have an SD who has no bond to my kids and doesnt want to. I try to keep them fairly separated because I dont want them to bond to her and yet her still have no bond to them because I think she would take advantage of that.

Why do you want your child to

Why do you want your child to bond with a child like that? Even if they share one parent? Please. I keep my two away from SS because he tried to hurt my toddler when he was a baby. Not taking chances. Not for all the "but they're siblings!" cries from ppl not in this situation.

Why has this gone on so long

Why has this gone on so long with NO ONE saying something to the kid?

Kids are kids - they need to learn empathy... This is something that is taught. THESE are the moments you teach it.

Every single time he does something like put up baracades, mock her, ignore her, he should be reminded that she is a young child and she is learning how to socialize/care/love and he is NOT to be mean to her. Just like he should be told NOT to be mean to anyone of any age. If he is annoyed, that is fine... He can go spend time in his room. He can be isolated if he cannot act like part of a civilized family.

I would so not tolerate this. My SD was 5 when our now 2 year old was born and we gave her a talk each and every time she acted annoyed or bothered by him. Even if he was upset and crying, we would remind her that it's rude to be visibly annoyed of another person's discomfort. She can politely leave the room if she doesn't like being around other people's emotions but they're part of life and she needs to be polite about it.

I'm not sure empathy is

I'm not sure empathy is taught. When my niece was 2, she was crying inconsolably and my nephew, also 2 (cousins), was bringing her every stuffed animal he could find and tossing it on the bed with her, back and forth.

This kid can be taught not to be aggressive, but honestly - he's mean, he bullies and he hurts animals. These are not good signs at all. Most kids have innate empathy, even if they can be mean and selfish sometimes. This isn't just, "I hate my sister", this is cold-blooded cruelty.

OP, I'd keep her away from him and insist he get some therapy.

This! A 6 year old who is

^This! A 6 year old who is already being cruel to puppies and bullying younger children has problems. The fact that he is not nice to his sister is just more evidence of issues. Your DH should be getting help for this child before he is older and more cruel and dysfunctional, and you should be keeping your child away from him and not leaving them alone without supervision.

I think this is likely true.

I think this is likely true. My ODS struggles with social skills in general and had to be taught social things more than typical. But I didnt have to teach him empathy, he just had it from probably around 2ish (could be a little off there, but he was small). SD on the other hand displayed similar behaviors to what OP described, but despite working on teaching her empathy for 4 years it just isnt there. Shes learned what the correct thing to say and do in most basic situations, but doesn't show any actual empathy or much of a bond to anyone. It's still more about what people can do for her if she acts nice at that moment than empathy.

Again, agree.

Empathy is there or not. For those that lack it, they have to learn what they should say and how they should act, but sometimes the actual feeling just isn't there. IMO, those that lack empathy are... creepy.

I agree with tog

When my 2 yr old son cries my almost 4 yr old daughter will get her snuggly or white cloth and give it to him. Heck she was laying next to him as a 16.5 month old as a newborn.

my ss aged 20 saw my toddlers screaming in distress just by seeing him and he laughed. He laughed that they were so distressed af fhe sight of him

don’t think because they share a percentage of dna that they must maintain tamily relations. If they’re super toxic then there isn’t much you can do

I agree with tog

When my 2 yr old son cries my almost 4 yr old daughter will get her snuggly or white cloth and give it to him. Heck she was laying next to him as a 16.5 month old as a newborn.

my ss aged 20 saw my toddlers screaming in distress just by seeing him and he laughed. He laughed that they were so distressed af fhe sight of him

don’t think because they share a percentage of dna that they must maintain tamily relations. If they’re super toxic then there isn’t much you can do