Hello All,

This is my first post. I tried to search for something relative to my situation but not too much luck. I have been engaged to a wonderful woman for about 8 months now. She has two beautiful girls (5 and 3) to whom I love very much. So, here comes the problem...her ex (they were never married) lives about 4 hours away in a metro city and does not have a car (because of his horrible driving record). They currently do not have any legal visitation established. His job is not flexible, meaning that he has odd days off and never has weekends off. She has been letting him stay at her house for 2-3 days maybe once a month since she left him and moved back home. This kills me inside because I feel alienated when he's there (we don't live together) she doesn't return phone calls, she doesn't feel comfortable leaving the house to see me while he's there with the girls. He doesn't have the extra money to stay at a hotel. He does pay child support and he's not a dead-beat dad, but it seems that it's hard for her to get over the control that he's had on her for the last few years.

The girls are clingy to their mom and I see why she doesn't want to leave them there alone. He has wanted them to come with him for 3 days or so and her lawyer says it's not a good idea to let them go with him until court is over, so he winds up coming in and staying at her house. She usually winds up having some wine with him because she's on edge while he's there. I totally trust her...she's definitely not the type to hide something from me. She's very honest with me, but for some reason she cannot break away to call me and tell me how she and the girls are doing, etc. I am about to talk to her about this and tell her there has to be rules and boundaries now that the situation has changed and we are engaged. He doesn't want to meet me at all (even after 1 year and being with his children so much). She seems to want to protect his feelings for some reason (maybe to keep the vibes positive while the girls are around). I actually stopped by unannounced this last time, but he had already left to go home. It's really hard to deal with because I know she really loves me. I feel that she's just waiting until August (court date) and riding this out...not to make him upset in the meantime. I usually get really depressed when this happens, but have tried not to be so down last time as I know it's hard on her too while he's there. Her life gets put on hold and her house usually ends up a wreck while he's there. Anyone have any suggestions on what we can do to change this situation?

Sorry for the long post...

Many thanks!