Am I being too over protective???
This is going to be really long, so I appologize a head of time. I also need to request that I get honest replies, by that I mean i need to hear the truth based off of what I tell you all. I don't want to be comforted, or have things sugar coated. I want "honest replies". 
So, a little background on my situation. I met my husband in gr. 3. He was my first kiss. His sister and I were bff's for a very long time. He and I lost touch for a few years, got married to other people, had children and then found our way back to each other via facebook. It was like we never lost touch and the flame never died. We got married. He has two kids and I have two kids. We are all one happy family (for the most part). We all have ADHD to varying degrees. :jawdrop: Since day one, our children got along very well together, and became besties. His kids like me and my kids like him. We agreed since day one that house rules are the same and get enforced the same, and that the kids could have chores etc. It's working out very well. However...... that takes care of the older kids. My youngest is a completely different story.
He's 9 and a real handful on the best of days. 
His bio father is not involved in his life and choses not to be. He walked away from his son two years a go and hasn't looked back. My 9 yr old is acting out BIG time. He starts therapy next week. My 9 yr old has adhd and is VERY sensitive. He will cry if you speak firmly to him, he worries about everything thing and over-analyses everything. He knows exactly what he likes and doesn't like and doesn't hesitate to tell. lol He's a constant complainer and can't seemt to accept the answer given to a question he asks (especially when he doesn't like the answer). I am a strict mom, but I also have learned over the years to pick and choose my battles with him, and what behaviors to ignore and/or repond too.
My husband has NO tolerance for poor behavior. Manners are big. As for me as well. The issue I'm having is - in my hubby's eyes, my 9 yr old can do nothing right. As his mother, I find myself defending my son, and then questioning if I should have or not. Especially when I KNOW that the bahavior is not tolerated, even by me. I think my problem is, I was a single parent for so long, I have a hard time letting someone else step in and help me parent (I have had a few failed relationships because of this). My hubby's solution to dealing with poor behavior is to yell (if talking won't work). Yelling makes my son melt down and go into hysterics (crying - the whole 9 yards). I've asked my hubby not to yell, but he says sometimes you have too to get the point accross. Hubby doesn't belittle, or name call. He never raises a hand either, but he is quick to put my son in his place. Sometimes I feel that he is too quick. I also have to clarify, that hubby is also the same with his own kids and my oldest. No favoritism (thank god!).
So, I don't know if I'm being too protective of my youngest, or if hubby is being too over bearing (even though his intentions are good). I'll admit, my son does need a firm hand (firmer than I can obviously give), but does it have to be as firm as my hubby's? Am I being too protective, do I need to step back??? Hubby thinks the adhd is not as previlent as I think it is and that my 9 yr old is just pulling one on me. However, my son doesn't even know what adhd is, except that he has it.
Opinions???
My two cents. We have my SD6
My two cents. We have my SD6 who we are trying to figure out if she's on the Autism spectrum, just ADHD, just ODD, just __________ fill in the blank. My DH also does the yelling thing. I adore him and he is usually great with the kids but when that line is crossed it. is. crossed. I've been guilty of the same thing. I don't think you're being overprotective in the sense you say; I just think you need to have him (your littly guy) evaluated. We thought it was all just a change in family circumstances and turned out- BM had become a drug addict while DH was in the hospital, etc. etc. etc. Obviously this isn't the case with you, but you could have a kiddo with a mental health situation or behavioral one which needs treatment to resolve or at least make your DH understand that he's different and needs to be treated as such. Good luck~
I think (as someone already
I think (as someone already suggested) it depends on whether DH's yelling and stricter methods work.
On the other hand, if your youngest has issues that are not just "poor behaviour and no manners" then obviously the "normal" methods of discipline will not work for him. If they actually cause the situation to escalate and make it a whole lot worse then the two of you need to sit down and discuss what does work and how you can both handle things so that EVERYONES needs are met.
You say your son is starting therapy next week. Perhaps this is an issue that you and your DH need to raise with the therapist? Ask them what they think the best method of handling this special needs child in these situations is. Personally, the yelling at him makes me really sad. I get that when he is misbehaving he needs to be "dealt with" but you both need to work to find the method that works best with that child. Not saying that your methods you currently use are necessarily "right" - really as I said - I think with the therapist you all need to come up with a plan.
DH fought over this, too. The
DH fought over this, too.
The rule now in the house is:
I parent my kids. You parent yours.
His are adults now.
Every child needs to be
Every child needs to be parented in a way that is specific to that child's needs. If dh can't understand that, he does not need to parent your son. My son is a lot like yours, so I understand what you are talking about. You know him better than your dh, so you will have to settle this or tell him he is to back off for good.
Just a thought, I could be
Just a thought, I could be wrong but these are the thoughts that came to mind doing this:
1) Her SS9 is like DH's youngest son. Treated like a baby by mom, not maturing and will end up being socially retarded. (This is happening currently, it is not pretty. Do to his mother babying this child he is developing some serious anti-social behaviors. School councelor is encouraging professional counceling because she is seeing NPD in this kid as well as anger management issues. By bet is the kid will be violent and uncontrollable by age 15.)
2) The kid melts down because a) he is not used to being told no/ held accountable and does not like it when it happens. b) it works for him. He melts down, cries and mommy comes swooping into the rescue and he still is not held accountable for his actions/inactions.
In the words of Major Payne: Pop your tittie out his mouth and let the boy grow up.
BigFatMeanie: My son is very
BigFatMeanie: My son is very hyperactive (a trait of ADHD) that sees him talking out of turn, complaining about everything (especially if he doesn't like it), and the list goes on. DH methods do work for a little bit (as do mine....from time to time). I just think he's being to harsh. However SD14 assures me that dh is the same way with her older brother who is 16 (and has always been that way).
instantfamily: I think that's the problem, he needs to be treated the same, but DS9 is so use to just him and I and my older son (who is 14), that I think ds9 is having a hard time dealing with having a step father (his biodad walked out on him 2 years ago and he hasn't been the same since - hense starting the therapist on monday).
newwife3: I am not interested in special treatment for my son. My family refers to me as "hitler", b/c I am so strict, however dh is proving to be stricter with no tolerance for the typical kid bs. DH does not believe in "picking your battles".
luchay: My son has manners (when he remembers them). He holds door open for others (especially the elderly), he says please and thank you (most of the time), he takes his plate to the sink after all meals, etc. However he has a hard time remembering rules (dh thinks it's bs) but as soon as he is reminded he abides (for the most part). An example of what dh has a hard time letting go is: ds9 got upset at me last night for being told no he couldn't do something, got frustrated and stuck his tongue out at me. I chose to let it go while placing ds in his room for time out without saying a lot to him, where dh was ready to lose it and give him an ear full.
knucklehead: That's what dh suggested, but I have a problem with that. IMO that drives a wedge where harmony should be. :oS
my.kids.mom: I agree. I feel that every child is different and therefor to a degree needs to be parented differently. My older bs14 was easier to raise. Where as ds9 is not.
just.his.wife: 1. I don't baby my son, not even a little bit. however when he is upset and frustrated over something, I do take the time to talk him down from that emotional ledge he gets himself on. It helps calm him down. DH thinks by doing this I am coddling him. DH is a "suck it up princess, and pull up your big girl panties" guy. I do agree to a degree....just not in all situations. 2. My son hears no from me more than yes (I hate to admit). When issues pop up, ds9 has a real hard time admitting his fault and taking responsibility for his actions for fear of getting in deep do-do. However, I personally still make sure he does take responsibility. He'll never learn otherwise.
I hope your counseling works
I hope your counseling works out well for you guys! My SD is ADHD and I always thought it was a bunch of crap this ADHD thing- before her. I DO still think it's overdiagnosed and overtreated; however after experiencing a child legitimately with it and seeing a difference meds makes? I'm no longer on the edge of the ledge. She's still got other issues, but it is some relief to have medication making even the slightest difference. I can tolerate her now. ADHD is very real and living with a child with a severe case is a killer- especially if it's not your kid! Best of luck.