Am I the one who is wrong?
I've been dating my significant other for four years. In that time, I bought a home and he moved in. The issues with his son started before he moved in but I didn't think they would get as bad as they are now.. I told him tonight he either needs to fix it or leave. His son is 13 and was an only child when we met. I have a son who is 9 from a previous relationship and we have a son together who is 7 months old. His son has always been disrespectful and said whatever he wanted to adults, including me, but his family played it off like it was cute. I have worked extremely hard to make sure my son is respectful to everyone. My son was overjoyed when he found out he was having a sibling. His son cried, at 12 years old, and said he didn't want it. His son now comes to my house, doesn't even Acknowledge me, and plays on his iPhone, which I don't believe in children having an he has since he 9, or tablet or video games the entire time he is here.. Oh except when he goes up to my son's room to "play" which I recently found out he has been bullying him. He ignores his dad's phone calls when he isn't here. He is allowed to decide if he'd rather go to the shore than come here for the weekend.. This is not my child and I did not raise him to be so awful.. I don't want to deal with all of it and I'm told I am mean and rude and that I just "hate him."
Oh the old "you hate my
Oh the old "you hate my child" crap. I swear I'd be so tempted to just say "Of course. He's hate inducing" or just shrug my shoulders and say "so?".
This is YOUR home. Your are not married even if you do have a child with him. You are under NO obligation to host his brat. Not your problem. Tell him to see the child elsewhere. You could tell him to parent his child, but you know he's not going to do that.
You have generously allowed your SO to move into your home. He does not get to override your choices in how to live. You've got the power use it.
Have you ever heard the term
Have you ever heard the term "sunk costs". It's basically a cost accounting term that refers to money spent that you can't get back. If a business sinks a lot of money into a product that keeps losing money you shouldn't keep losing money because you already invested so much. Sunk costs are meaningless when making future decisions.
The reason she had a child with him (no matter how horrible a decision it might have been) is irrelevant. No going back and erasing that. One can talk all day about what someone has or has not done in the past - but you cannot change the past.
And if you've made a horrible mistake it doesn't mean you should continue on a bad path.
Yes he can get 50/50 custody of their child if he wants it, but she has another child that must be protected. She won't necessarily get out with no personal cost - but it sure beats incurring more wrath from the brat just because she made a past mistake.
I totally get where you're
I totally get where you're coming from. My SD13 is disrespectful, even SD3 is disrespectful. I do what I can. I provide what is needed. I do not bend over backwards and do extra like I might if they were actually nice to me. I have very simple.. very basic rules. I try to enforce them and I do expect support on that from their father - which I don't always get. When SD13 decides to sped the whole day on her phone... oh well. really not my problem. I don't try to coax her into doing a craft or going to the park or anything- that would be reserved for kids that are respectful and behave in a way that is enjoyable.
When they are disrespectful to each other, or those outside the family, that's their father's responsibility to manage/discipline. I try to stay out of it. When they are disrespectful to ME or to my kids, it does become personal at that point, and if their father is not supportive...well, some big questions arise. How much am I (or you) going to put up with? That's where I am right now, too.
It's really difficult, and some people just throw around "kick him to the curb" like it's so simple. It's really not so simple. I know I feel like I have a lot invested. Do you feel that way too? I mean, you have an infant, so I'm sure that you do. I feel like I've already been through a failed marriage, and I was really hoping that this relationship would be my last. It would be really sad for the reason for the breakup to be the kids.
I am just now learning how common this really is.
I am starting to see its
I am starting to see its pretty common as well! I had a failed relationship with my other son's father but that was for reasons I could not control. I know exactly what you mean about trying to include the kid because I've done it in the past and end up feeling like an idiot the next time he disrespects me. The problem seems to be that no one has any control over him, including his parents so I certainly can't try to. It puts women in a tough position because everyone expects us to be mothering and caring for another child even if we didn't raise them without any reservations!
you can ask him to leave just
you can ask him to leave just realize likely your 7 month old will be leaving 50% of the time too, kinda suks but that is the reality
is this kid just every other
is this kid just every other weekend?
This sounds all too familiar.
This sounds all too familiar. I've been there for 10 yrs, so I feel your pain. No you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. No one likes a bad a$$, rude, spoiled, entitled, no home training, no manners having kid. My SS is 15 now and has behaved like your SS for the last 10 years. From day 1 he was an angry, bratty, hot mess. Now that he's older he's taken his disrespect to all new levels like stealing my car and stealing money from my purse. I can honestly say I hate this kid and I have every reason to. Its really disappointing that their parents don't do anything about it. My DH and his family thought SS behavior was cute too. I NEVER DID. My SS is now moving out and going to live with his mom permanently thankfully! But if you don't have the luxury to ship this dreaded kid off, than I suggest asserting yourself and demanding respect. They live in YOUR HOUSE and you shouldn't be held hostage to this kids crap. If I could turn back time, I would have totally done that and not cared so much about DH or BM or SS feelings. They already think you're the evil bytach so there is no winning with them. Take back control of your house and your life and don't allow these idiots to ruin your experience.
Make very clear what the
Make very clear what the house rules are: no rudeness, no bullying, etc. and make sure all understand that if anyone breaks the house rules - related by blood or not, there will be consequences. Approach it as a "unit" with rules and not a blended household. If the same expectations are for everyone and upheld as such then there should be no "you hate me because I'm a step" or whatever excuse. "No, I hate what you are DOING and you WILL STOP because we DO NOT do that here."