I've been there too. What helped me was to remember that if he wanted to be with her, he would be and that he has to be a good dad to his kids, and part of that is being polite to her. He does have to communicate with her. But they need to keep it about the kids.

I have dealt with this issue for my entire relationship with DH. It is not near as bad as before, but in my opinion, he still talks to her more than he should. I think that he should never have any communication with her unless it is an emergency situation that she needs to be notified of or that he needs to be notified of if skid is with her. They should not call every night to talk to skid when the other has him, and even if they did it does not mean they have to have a conversation about what skid had for dinner or how he is doing. I think I finally got the root issue, at least from my DH. He is still civil to a point and still sets and lets her rattle on on the phone because he doesn't want to make her mad. He doesn't give a crap about her, but he does not want to fight with her in court anymore or her try and withhold skid out of spite, this may be your DH as well. That is not going to be an issue much longer as more things have happened and they are battling again, I think it is safe to say that after this next showdown, I wont have to worry about him even so much as answering a text from her.

When my ex has our daughter he will frequently email\text me pictures of her, or say she just had dinner, or she just went to bed. I don't know if he is reassuring me, or sending me them to say "hey I am a good dad see!" IDK I don't think anything of it, but I get to see my daughter.

My fiancé on the other hand that drives him crazy! He always wants to know why my ex is telling me this. I couldn’t tell you why really! I don’t reply back I just ignore him. I just have to reassure my SO that I never text\email or communicate with my ex for anything personal. I don't volunteer about our daughter unless he asks about it (IE school, photos etc). So there is no reason to be jealous, but I understand it.

My fiancé and I do tell each other when we hear from the ex’s just as a polite this is what was said. I like having that openness that I can say “hey daughter’s father called her today first time in 2 weeks.” Or he can say “she texted me today about BLAH” It’s the day when that stops is the time to worry, and be jealous of that relationship I think.

You just describe what I've been feeling. When I brought this up to DH, he basically thought that I just wanted him to be mean for no reason and stir more trouble. Not the case at all, like you I feel that DH is "extra" nice sometimes when theres no need. I think in our position we just need the affirmation that we are #1 and she's there cuz she has to be. Unfortunately we (as the non-bios) end up feeling guilty/inadequate for almost every feeling we have. Just know that if he's not with her is for a reason, and work on the bond you're building

I'm in this boat too... I feel like FDH is alarming on the niceness and butt kissing to BM,... And it bothers the crap out of me. He says he is doing it for the kids too.... But I've pointed out on several occasions that she isn't any nicer to the kids when he is nice to her, or that if she wants to store up trouble she will find something to yell about... But he stil does it.... Sometimes it even feels like flirting to me,.... But its true. If he wanted to be with her and she wanted to be with him,... Lol, there would be no "you".... Its really that simple, and it takes a lot of saying that to yourself over and over again.