Am I wrong?
Hello everyone. I am new to this forum. Let me introduce myself first. I am the bio mom of 4 kids. My oldest is 18 and out of the home and my younger 3 are ages 15, 12 and 9. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 months now. He has children who are very much younger than mine, 10 and under, but they live out of state. So there is a little background for you.
Now to the issue: Long story short a big issue keeps coming up about my kids and them not listening when it comes to getting chores done and keeping the house clean. They get home around 3:30 and they wont start cleaning up til around 5pm. They want to play and have friends over. This bugs my husband to no end! He constantly complains that the house is a mess and full of kids. He feels that they should come home, do their chores and homework and then go play outside not having other kids in our house.
Now here is my position: The house is never a disaster. Yes, there are chores that need to be done but they always get done. I don't mind that they come home and run off a little steam. Plus, he never cooks, cleans or does his own laundry himself so how can he complain when kids don't do it? He says he works all day and shouldn't have to. Well, I work all day too and I still have to come home and clean up after a grown man. Its like the pot calling the kettle black on this one. He even has complained about my older son being too "needy" because he has called for ride home from work or school and he thinks I am enabling them. He always says that when he was a kid... This is the thing. I don't care about what he had or didn't have when HE was a kid! These are MY kids! If my kid needs a ride and I'm just sitting home, I'm going to help my kid out! Plus, I don't see my husband having to walk or bus it! Point blank I feel he is complaining too much about what my kids do or don't do. Too me its a bit much. Like I've told him, I could understand if they disrespected him but they are not talking back or anything. My point is, if he wants them to do something then he needs to set the example. Its gotten to the point where he comes home and goes straight to the back room and shuts the door and doesn't even come out to spend family time. IDK what to do but he makes me feel like I'm being wrong for letting the kids slide on the little things.
That's why I'm here. I really need some advice.
Thank you! I was just
Thank you! I was just thinking why is this such a big deal! I swear my DH thinks they are trashing the place but then I go to my room and THAT is where my jaw drops! DH literally comes home and everything he wears stays were it lands on the floor. Dirty dishes and food boxes and then he says my kids are not doing their chores! I know they are his Skids but at the same time he's no better than them! LOL
Idk if I was wrong or not but after awhile I told him he's not allowed to tell them anything anymore. All the nitpicking and complaining just got to me and now he thinks I'm wrong because I took away his "authority". For me having authority also means you have responsibility on developing an actual relationship with them. If not as a father at least as a friend. Not just hole up in the room all the time and then go around complaining. IMO
I understand your husband's
I understand your husband's point. Growing up, when we got in from school, homework and chores had to be completed before we went out to play, could watch TV, talk on the phone... I had the same rule in place when my son was growing up.
I might be able to deal with them doing chores later, but I would draw the line at coming home to a house full of kids after work. To be honest, if I came home to that, I wouldn't think twice about showing the friends the front door. I would let the SKs know that they're no longer allowed to have friends over on school nights.
Did you and your kids move
Did you and your kids move into his home or did he move into your home?
What? SK's have friends?
What? SK's have friends? That would add another dimension that I'm not ready for. It's bad enough that BD is their main source of entertainment and "friendship"...add in other people's kids and I would be in the back room with your man! LOL Just kidding.
The truth is that most kids (and most adults) put off chores and other undesirable duties until it's absolutely necessary -- right before parents walk in the door. I did it as a teen. Your man needs to chill out! At least the chores are getting done.
for ONCE, I agree with you
for ONCE, I agree with you sueu2.
To the original poster:
Husband doesn't sound perfect like most untidy slobbering men.
However, as a SM myself I could not handle coming home to a dirty house full of skids and their friends.
I've told my hubby I can serve him dinner and pick up his clothes from the floor(sometimes followed by comoplaints from me!) but it is not my obligation to pick up after the SKIDS and bios or to serve them their meals while they are sitting on the couch.
As my partner, he gets cut some slack because that's our relationship. Kids need to understand that they are not on the same level as adults. I don't know how to explain it better...
Yes, DH could improve his relationship with his skids and i agree it's not fair that you have no say in his kids behaviours.
Sounds like a lot of talking needs to go on between you.
Right or wrong doesn't matter
Right or wrong doesn't matter as much as how to work together so that you're both happy.
When you told him not to discipline your kids anymore, he felt you took away his authority. But you felt you were removing an unnecessary and unpleasant nag from your kid's life. Do you think your husband started out *wanting* to feel like a nag? What do you think he does feel, now? My impression is that he feels like he's not wanted.
But the two of you have agreed to be a team in your marriage. And if that means you have to shift some of the things you do as a parent, then I think you are certainly smart enough to do that without sacrificing what you value in your parenting.
With 3 kids still at home, and a job, I bet you're very busy. But still... find some time to ask questions (and listen only, do not show anger or deny what he's saying, he just needs to be heard for a bit). Ask DH - what do you think can be improved at home? Why is our room in such a mess? ETc etc.
See what happens.
Ofc, later, it's your turn too. But it starts with one person.
Time to compromise. How about
Time to compromise. How about kids have a small snack when they get home? Then they each have one chore (not huge ones), homework next for 30mins then they can play.
Also it sounds as though your husband is another kid. He needs to be able to have 50% input into home life. Sit down and discuss some compromises and ask him to help out more as you are trying to promote independence in you down kids and it sends the wrong message when you have to pick up after him.
Responsibilities first then
Responsibilities first then play, just like real adult life.
We have always lived in very
We have always lived in very nice homes. We work hard for them. However, our homes have been far from model homes on the Better Homes and Gardens mag cover.
They are lived in. We always had no issue with our home being a hangout for the Skid (SS-22) and his neighborhood friends. But ..... every one of them had to pitch in to clean up their messes before they went home.
It is sad that so many SParents struggle with the realization that the home is the Skid's home too. If your DH wants your kids to do chores then he needs to realize that they have to feel that it is their home too. Sure, kids hate chores. I know I did when I was a kid but .... I did them and that built in me a sense of pride for the home that my parents provided for their family.
All of my friends growing up had similar family perspectives on kids hanging out at their places. We rotated depending on what was going on at any particular place at a given time.
IMHO your DH needs to chill out a bit before he alienates himself further in his own home.
Now for you.... you need to divorce your DH and leave as you are far from an equity partner to him. As your spouse he should be an equity partner to you as you are to him but ... he also should be without question an equity parent to any children in the marital home regardless of kid biology. You are marginalizing a man in his own home and you have neutered him in front of the kids that reside in HIS home. It is HIS home as much as it is your and the SKids as it is the marital home. No wonder why he is struggling with your spawn in his home. You have taken his testicles. Were I your DH as soon as you notified me that I am not to say anything to the kids about the chores you and your spawn would have discovered that the locks had been rekeyed and you would all be sleeping on the curb until YOU gained clarity on what an equity spouse is.
Why do you think it is that he immediately goes to the back of the house and shuts the door as soon as he arrives home? This is not a great mystery or rocket science.
IMHO of course.
I agree w/ you, OP. If they
I agree w/ you, OP. If they are doing the chores, then you are already ahead of the game. I practically have to hold a torch to my kids' butts to get them to do chores and they are home all day! If they get good grades, then they are either working hard AT school or when they study at home. Those kids should have some freedom to choose their own schedule. If they don't have good grades, they should probably study first and get it done, then get rewarded when the grades go up with the freedom to work all day at school and then have a break before chores. Right now it gets dark around 5 pm. Kids need the daylight hours to do what they wish. Most do need a break after school. I couldn't imagine being stuck between 4 walls all day, bossed around, and then coming home to chores, or your dh's bitching. And like you said, he hasn't established a relationship with them... If he is going to his cave after work, then who cares what he thinks? Let the kids have fun and then clean up after, then homework. But I'm just a happy ol' single mom that doesn't have to worry about some man controlling my kids, so what do I know?