Appalling SD behaviour
Hi there, new here. I have been living with my bf for almost 5 months and realizing it may have been a huge mistake.... not sure what to do! If it wasn't for my two sons, I am almost positive I would be gone by now. I just hate the fact of moving my kids again after the change they just went through to move in with my bf. I feel like a horrible mother at the prospect of moving them again! But I am miserable. My bf has his Daughter almost 50% of the time.... basically 3 or 4 days out of 7 each week. So he is no "Disneyland" dad that only sees her twice a month! But this child (she's 
has zero respect and is a complete slob and takes no responsibility for anything. She drops her coat and backpack and boots as soon she comes through the door (so no one else can come in).... I have asked her politely to move them and hang them up (as my two boys are expected to do). She won't, si then her dad just picks them up for her. She is disgustingly messy and will not pick up any of her mess, whether it be toys or food. Her dads furniture was ruined because of her and i refuse to let her ruin mine. But again, when I ask nicely, she won't. Her dad is a slob too but he just eventually picks up after her when I'm about to lose it. She talks back and talks sooooo nasty and disrespectful to almost everyone, even her dad... she is worse to me and my kids though. She was being rude to me in the store the other day and then she wanted me to buy her something, and I said no, and explained to her that she needed to be a lot nicer if she wanted something, and also talked to her about her chores she's supposed to do but never does. She just ignored me and then her dad bought it for her 2 min later and she threw it in my face! I was livid! My kids (10 and 15) have been taught to be kind and courteous and clean up after themselves and they have chores and responsibilities and work hard for what they get. Don't get me wrong, of course they have their moments but I quickly remind them and they certainly don't get rewarded for bad behaviour! And they are expected to be respectful of my BF, and if they're not, then i talk to them about it. But my SD is a spoiled tyrant! She is appalling when out in a restaurant or something. Absolutely embarrassing. And she is ruining our family! I dread every day she is here, because she literally walks through the door already throwing some sort of fit to her dad. I do believe that a big part of the problem is both her mom and dad don't parent her and she has no bedtime and is super tired all the time. But I don't know what to do! I've tried talking to my BF but it doesn't seem to help. Should i just lay it out for him and tell him that if he doesn't enforce basic respect with her, that I'm gone!? My oldest son is afraid of her because she's always screaming lol. But my youngest hates her and gets upset because he's still young enough that he's stuck on the "it's not fair" that she throws a fit over what I made for supper (even tho I always try and make something she supposedly likes) and her dad makes her something else (whereas I would never do that), and stuff like that. It's so bad I can't stand to be around her and I can only imagine how worse her attitude will be when she gets older!!! Any advice or insights appreciated! I just don't know if I love my BF enough to keep living like this I guess.
She's 8, by the way. It
She's 8, by the way. It changed that to a smiley face in the original post. Lol
Whenever I read 'SD' in the
Whenever I read 'SD' in the title of someone's post - I cringe. I, too, have an SD of the same age. She is about to turn 9 - but absolutely acts like a teenager. I feel for you. I also have SS12 & SS14 in the mix which can complicate things, when my SO & I first got together, I noticied a disparity in his expectations of her & his expectations of the boys. I honestly think he didn't even realise but luckily, once it was pointed out to him, he wanted to & does try to change things. From what you wrote, your SO doesn't seem to want to make any positive changes, I think this is where your main problems lies.
I am also concerned about SD's actual teenage years, as you said, it's likely to get worse not better. I have hope, because my SO is a committed parent, who wants the best outcomes for his children. It's still hard - but it's worth it. If you can't say the same, then I'm sorry, you're in a really tricky spot.
You have bios to consider & I can only imagine that would be difficult, I can't speak to that, but hope somebody else can give you some helpful advice.
It sounds like your sons
It sounds like your sons would rather not live with her either. They will get over another move quickly and apprechiate some peace and quiet I am sure. Make your plans and leave, you will all be happier. Your boyfriend and sd will be able to live how they want to, and your sons and you can live in a clean, tidy and respectful home.
Clean, tidy and respectful
Clean, tidy and respectful home.... that sounds so amazing right about now. I miss that!
It sounds like you made a
It sounds like you made a mistake moving in with your bf without taking the time to critically assess his parenting skills or to see if his kid and yours could blend. You don't say how long you've known your bf, but around this site it's generally accepted that two years is the minimum amount of time a parent should spend getting to know someone before taking things to the next level. Did the two of you sit down, discuss things and hammer out rules and responsibilities before you moved in?
If I were in your shoes, I'd get through the holidays and then decide whether you want to stay or leave. If you decide to leave, apologize to your boys and resolve to do better by them in future. Create your own calm, stable and loving home for them. Date casually if you want, but put your kids first. If you decide to stay? Do so only if your bf commits to working the problem. Hold him accountable, and always have an exit strategy prepared.
Welcome to the site!
If your bf was singing from the same hymn sheet regarding his daughter's bad behaviour, ie hating it and trying to change it, there might be some hope. But far from that, he is reinforcing it. I think your kids would probably be pleased if you acknowledged you'd made a mistake and moved out.
OP, not meant as judgy, but
OP, not meant as judgy, but was her behavior not apparent when you guys were dating? I always wonder how it comes as a surprise to people that their SO is a terrible parent. Or did you think you could whip her into shape?
Anyway, the first step is to let him know that you are feeling already as if this may not work out, and find out what he's willing to change. And if he's not willing to change anything about his parenting, you have a tough choice to make. I agree, though, that your kids shouldn't have to live like this. Just apologize to them for making a mistake, move out, and consider long and hard before you move in with someone in the future.
Honestly, she didn't seem so
Honestly, she didn't seem so crazy before. But I do feel like I made a mistake and maybe glossed over a few things to myself about moving in. I live in a city where the rental market is extremely challenging... very few good rentals and everything is overpriced. They actually just did a study in our area about the living wage and how much higher it is than the average household makes.... long story short, though single for quite awhile, I think I was letting finances push me too fast. Once he suggested moving in and I got the idea in my head how nice it would be to not just be living pay check to paycheck and to actually work on paying off my debt.... I let that influence me too much. And I guess now I'm paying the price.
“My bf has his Daughter
“My bf has his Daughter almost 50% of the time.... basically 3 or 4 days out of 7 each week. So he is no "Disneyland" dad that only sees her twice a month!”
Just because he has they 50% of the time doesn’t mean he isn’t a Disney dad.
You're miserable and so are
You're miserable and so are your kids. I know you don't want the stress of uprooting and moving again but I think you all would be better off than having to deal with a disrespectful SD. Cut your loses now, get your ducks in a row, and do what you need to do to move out and create a healthy space for you and yours.
Your BF does not parent effectively, can you imagine how she will be when she's a teenager? She's only 8 years old. You have no idea how worse this will get if your BF doesn't put his foot in her @ss. So do you and your kids a favor and get the heck out of that chaotic environment.
Try
Thanks everyone! I am definitely going to have to have a serious talk with my BF and then just see what he says and make my decision based on his actions after we talk. I think my plan is to wait until after the holidays and then have our serious talk. Unfortunately with rentals being few and far between and very expensive, I may have to talk to my parents about staying with them for awhile.... which I hate to do, but we will see how desperate I get.