You are here

Birthday and mother’s day

Khoward0408's picture

Submitted by Khoward0408 on Fri, 06/21/2019 - 6:10pm

Forums: 
Blended Family Issues

Hey there, I am finding myself in a weird situation of emotions. I am a very jealous person and realize this... therefore I don’t mention things often about this topic unless I have a very valid reason. I’m finding it hard to figure out the boundries of blended families. I have been a part of my step daughter’s life since she was about 1 1/2. She is now 3 1/2. Her parents were not in a relationship (and haven’t been) since she was born. I have yet to really bring this topic up to my wife because It feels out of place to say anything. Im trying to figure out where I stand with everything and how to feel about the types of interactions my wife had with her ex. I have no expirrence of step parents, so all of this seems pretty foriegn to me. Any advice would be great. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 06/22/2019 - 9:04am

So are you asking about appropriate boundaries around birthdays (I'm assuming your SD's) and Mother's Day?

Here's the deal: every blended family has their own definition of what are appropriate boundaries. If there are no hard feelings or toxic behaviors between the bio parents, then it's quite possible for blended families to be far more liberal with their boundaries. It could mean joint birthday parties. It could mean a gift from the biodad on Mother's Day as a thanks. There is nothing wrong with those boundaries IF the bioparents agree to them and IF they aren't causing issues.

IF this is the kind of relationship that your GF has with her ex in regards to birthdays and Mother's Day, then you have three options: accept it, explain why it makes you uncomfortable and discuss appropriate boundaries, or decide this isn't the relationship for you. I personally think that a SP shouldn't come in and change the dynamic of the BPs' relationship and coparenting if it is working for them and the kid. That is an issue of compatibility, and the only way it will likely change is if one of the BPs wants to date and finds their relationship with their ex impedes upon that.

Now, if their relationship and coparenting is unhealthy (e.g. BD is constantly not paying CS, your GF is constantly withholding their kid from BD on his visitation time, they fight and argue when they are around each other, etc), THEN I'd say your two healthy options are to talk to your GF about why that behavior is unhealthy and make suggestions on how it could be improved (say, no joint birthday parties and you'll help SD plan Mother's Day) or leave if she is unwilling to change the unhealthy dynamics.

No matter how you slice this, though, if you know you have issues with jealousy, you need to work through those issues. It's not your He's place to change her parenting style or relationships with those around her to placate your jealousy. You date her accepting her for who she is. You don't do it with the expectation that she'll love you enough to change in a way that works for you. She shouldn't purposefully incite your jealousy by playing games, but you shouldn't dictate what she can/does just because you feel it.

Without more information, though, it's hard to give anymore advice.