Boundaries for "In Laws"?
My fiancee is very easily guilted into doing things for her family who is SUPER needy. Anytime someone needs help, like running a garage sale, to getting a ride to the airport at GD 3AM, she changes her personal schedule and jumps to help. They ALWAYS come to HER if they need anything done, or organized/planned.
She has had a problem with this the entire time we have been together but she IS working on it. We are going to counseling and even her pastor agrees that she needs to learn to say NO to her family sometimes and let them handle their own business. She is getting better and I try to encourage her without "dictating" or "demanding" that she do anything, I just say "It's okay to say NO and make yourself a priority sometimes, let them get mad, they will get over it and figure it out, what would they do if you were simply not available to even ask?" and she nods and says I am right and we move on.
I am trying to figure out the best way for ME to handle situations where she has chosen to come to the rescue.
Like if family X calls and says "I need help with a garage sale, and it will be sooo big I will need help for 3 weekends in a row", I told her that she should offer to help ONE of those weekends and then tell them that she is busy the other weekends.
So if she chooses to sacrifice her weekends and go sit with them for 3 weekends in a row, should I go along and help (even though I will be bored and probably resent it deep down)? Or should I come right out and say "You agreed to sacrifice all these days, I did not, so I am going to go do what I WANT (or need) to do" and let her go alone and deal with it.
I want to support HER because I love her, I don't want her to feel like she is trapped between me and her family. I also don't want to just go along with her because she is too weak to tell her family "NO I have plans" and basically enable the behavior.
If I go do my own thing will that kind of work like "tough love" and help her see that "well if I get stuck doing this junk, I miss out on doing what I WANT and, so screw THAT!", or will she get upset that I am not "supporting her"? I just see her running herself ragged, always tired, and complaining that she never has time for herself, even to clean house or do her laundry because she is doing so much for so many other people so I am honestly just trying to help her wrangle that in so she is happier and doesn't feel so stretched.
Ideas, thoughts, experiences?
Have her read "Boundaries" by
Have her read "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry McCloud and Dr. John Townsend.
And no you shouldn't tag along when she makes these committments. DOn't be mean about it just be matter of fact. "You made this committment. I did not. I'm sorry you feel ragged / tired, etc., but it is due to your choices. I can support you in telling them no and I can support you when you choose to say yes, but supporting you does not mean running myself ragged or not choosing myself sometimes either".
IMHO, I would offer to help
IMHO, I would offer to help the way you feel is reasonable. For instance, "I will help you and the family with the garage sale for one weekend and the other weekends I have plans". "I am planning on going sailboating or snorkeling or fishing, etc and I would like for you to come along". Plan something fun that she will have a hard time refusing to not go with you.
I think I also don't have
I think I also don't have very good boundaries myself on some of this. I try really hard to not "take on" too much of her stuff, but when someone is ASKING you "what am I supposed to do, this SUCKS, but I don't know what I am supposed to do different, tell me!", all I can do is read books and websites that give advice on how this stuff is "supposed" to work.
So when I am giving her advice on how she could or should be responding to this stuff it is in the interest of hopefully helping her improve her overall situation. If she didn't come to me and ASK I would be much less likely to volunteer my input on the various situations.
And yes, there are members of her family that would see nothing wrong with asking her to come sit at their house "helping" with a garage sale, or helping them pack to move for days at a time, and if she says NO, they either openly guilt her with BS like "Well I don't know what we are going to do then, I can't do it alone, I guess we just can't do it" or make none-to-subtle passive aggressive comments like "I understand, you have your own life, not everyone has time to drop what they are doing and come help family". And yes, she would crack and go help them even though it costs her sleep and causes her to have to put off things she needs to get done in her own life. So I see it as a two part issue, her family members don't respect the very few, or utter lack of, boundaries she has, and she is too guilt bound to tell them NO. "I just feel like a big old JERK if I tell them no".
Don't expect major changes
Don't expect major changes after you marry unless its to get worse.
I have no advice but i
I have no advice but i totally know how you feel,my H is always always always jumping for his family,its so bad that if i have asked him to help with something he will say "yeah in a bit" and there have been moments they call within ten minutes of that time and he just jumps and takes off,its always about helping them,being there for them....no matter how much i have tried talking to him it never changes,honestly i wonder if it ever will....