Compensating for BM's "parenting"
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I don't even know where to begin. My SD4 is being put into pageants by her BM-spray tans, makeup, hair, all of that- and neither I or her BD agree with this. However, he has expressed his concern that, if he were to protest, she would retaliate by basically keeping her from him. (Not answering the phone when he calls her, extending time btw visits, etc) This is a problem in and of itself, but the biggest question is, how to compensate for the parenting she's given with her BM. We would like her to know beauty is not from makeup and winning contests, but with so much time spent with her BM, how can we counter this without her resenting either parent?
Firstly i think you DH needs
Firstly i think you DH needs to go to court for structured, weekly contact so if BM does kick up a fuss about anything she will have no legal right to keep his daughter from him.
Secondly, i agree with you, beauty is not about make-up, winning contests. Beauty is not a competition and i personally think it teaches these poor young girls that all there is to life is their looks and judging people by their looks, its not right. Get to court, then tell this BM how you both feel about it.
I understand your DH may be scared to do or say anything because of BM's nasty reaction but he's got to stand up to her, she is his daughter too and he has a right to say how he would like her to be raised.
Court order, court order,
Court order, court order, court order. then if she tries to keep him from her hold her in contempt EVERY single time. Fear is no way to parent.
Thanks, I feel going to the
Thanks, I feel going to the courts is best as well. And yes "fear is no way to parent". Being that her dad is the non confrontational type, i hope I can convince him this is best (should i HAVE to!?).
With that said, will we have to take her to court to get the court order, or is this something we can do ourselves on our end (I am clearly very new to all this!)
Thanks again
DH does need to be able to
DH does need to be able to communicate with bm when it comes to issues that involve his child. However, he can not necessarily control what activities they do (as long as they are legal and not damaging to the child) while at BM's house. You would not want bm to tell you that you can not be a part of a church or golf club or other organization that you believe in. While the two are completely different, I know, the point is that your values are no better or worse than hers. It just means that you will have to be very intentional about teaching and modeling your set of values while she is with you. You can also make sure that she feels open to discuss, challenge, and share her developing views about beauty when she is with you because if she feels it is a taboo subject, she is likely to formalize those beliefs on her own.
In terms of DH not being able to talk to bm out of fear, no person should have their child used as a pawn and the courts can help. However, I wonder if this is a real fear based on previous actions, or him not choosing to be an advocate for his child? In any case, kids benefit from structure, so knowing how often she'll get to see him and you will benefit her in the long run even if there are no issues to battle over.
Hope the comments help.