Crazy Story of my Living Hell...But It's All True! Looking for help.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and this past year has been absolute hell! I feel like a monster for the feelings of disgust I have for my 2 stepsons. Let me go back to the beginning...
When my husband and I met, I had 3 children and he had 2. Within 6 months I packed up my children and we moved into his bigger and nicer home. We converted the 2 car garage into a huge bedroom for the 3 oldest children...2 of mine and 1 of his. During this time the ex-wife would break into our house to "police the living arrangements of her children." After the second break in I called the police and had her arrested. Since that time she has filed CPS report after CPS report about negligence and abuse. Each case is closed. She took my husband back to court to try to get full custody because they currently have 50/50 custody. She lost in court and so the 50/50 custody remains. One year later we had a baby together. She began sending me text messages saying that my marriage was in trouble and I had better watch it. Being suspicious, I looked through my husband's phone and found personal messages to her about stuff he didn't even want to tell his family. He said it was just "to get along for the kids' sake." Through more investigating I found out they had secret lunches, which he paid for, with her to "discuss the kids." We began marriage counseling, which has helped my husband see the hurt he has caused me and the inappropriateness of his actions. However, since this incident of betrayal I have come to despise his 2 children! Before this I felt like we were getting along fairly well and I was very accepting of them. I wouldn't say I felt love for them, but I genuinely cared about them. Now I do not. I dread the weeks we have them. I feel immediate relief when they leave. I cringe when they talk, eat, play...everything they do! I have read several articles, spoken to a counselor, and nothing has helped. As a matter of fact, these feelings are getting stronger each week we have them. I cannot step back and let my husband handle all the discipline or other issues with them due to his work schedule. He travels almost every week, whether we have them or don't, so he is only here with them during the weekend. During his week, they are here with me.
Looking for some support, advice...anything to tell me that I am not the monster I feel like I am.
Well, how is this anything to
Well, how is this anything to do with the children. It hardly seems fair for you to be taking your anger towards your husband out on them.
Your husband betrayed you, he was at least at an emotional level unfaithful to you. He says it was because of the kids. Well, what else could he say. However the reality is, he did not need to send secret texts to his ex, he sure as hell had no damn business taking her out to lunch let alone hiding that from you. You must have been gutted by what he did. But he did it because he wanted to. He did it behind your back because he wanted to, not for his kids, or because they wanted him to do it this way, but because HE wanted it this way and that had nothing whatsoever to do with the kids. It was what he chose and wanted to do, no one, not the kids, not the ex, no one, forced him. He did it by choice. What's more, he didn't need counselling to point out that it was hurtful to you, he knew it was all the time he was doing it, that's why he snuck around behind your back. He knew he was doing the wrong thing and he didn't care. He did it because he was selfish, not because of his kids. That's just another lie he told to safe himself. Please don't take it out on the kids. They are as much his victims as you are.
One cannot help one's
One cannot help one's feelings and they are not always rational. Are you still having marriage counselling? If not, maybe it would be helpful to have some more sessions, as it does sound as though your feelings about what has gone on are far from resolved. Or even maybe family counselling, if there are issues between you and your SKIDs.
It is mainly down to your husband, though, to implement appropriate boundaries with his exW, so that you do not feel he is betraying your trust.
I suspect what has happened has caused you to feel defensive and antagonistic towards BM, your husband AND his children. But unless the SKIDs are doing this that upset you as well, the responsibility squarely lies with your DH to try and put things to rights.
Resenting the kids for dad's
Resenting the kids for dad's cheating is just wrong.
I can't understand how women end up hating the kids when their husband has an affair. Why not hate the person who is responsible for hurting you?
THIS.
THIS.
His kids should stay at the
His kids should stay at the BM"s when your DH is out of town.
After his betrayal I would be
After his betrayal I would be gone. Who knows what he told BM about you in those secret lunches and BM has the nerve to contact you and rub it in that your marriage is in trouble. How can you ever trust this man again?
Why would you guys waste
Why would you guys waste money in court fighting to retain 50/50 if he was just going to dump HIS responsibilities off on YOU??
Your husband is the issue here. If he really thought it was "for the kids" to have lunches with BM, he would have been upfront about them with you. He KNEW it was wrong. He KNEW it was shady. He KNEW you'd be pissed so he deceived you.
And his kids pay for the failings of both the parents. Too bad you chose to marry this guy and WAY too bad you chose to have another child with him.
Just to clarify... Our baby
Just to clarify... Our baby came BEFORE I found out about the deception. I found out when she was a few months old. My husband has always had a job which required him to travel, however this January is when he really began traveling nearly every weekday during both weeks. I would have voiced my opinion about the lameness of fighting for 50/50 when he was never home, however at that time he was home often...not all the time, but a good majority of the time. Now I feel that 50/50 is not in the best interest of those kids. In my opinion they should be with their BM if he's not here overnight. He doesn't want to give up his custody in fear that his work schedule will slow down and he will be able to spend more time with them. Basically, he is hoping this is temporary. However, it's going on 7 months now and I have voiced this to him.
I completely agree, the problem we are having is NOT the kids' fault. I think I am projecting it onto them because they are the reason he gave me for it happening.
Our counselor has advised us to completely block all communication with the ex...texts, calls, email, and drop off/pick up conversations. If there is an emergency, she is to contact a mediator we had appointed. That has been in place since I found out about the deception. The counselor also told us that there is no more privacy in communication. If I want to look through his phone, that is my right and he needs to understand that.
I don't treat the SS unfairly. Kids are smart and intuitive...I know they can sense that I don't love them. I do take them to the movies, out to eat, to the park, etc. I don't yell at them. I use time out for discipline. During our entire relationship they go to their BM and tell her everything I do or don't do...throw in some extra details because "they forgot" what really happened, which throws BM into a frenzy towards me. I think this adds to my current feelings towards them.
Thank you for those that gave supportive words
An order or and arrangement
An order or and arrangement can include 50/50 but the children aren't allowed to stay overnight with anyone but direct family.
My SDs aren't legally allowed to stay in this house with just me in it overnight. They both agreed to this since they should be with one of their parents or a grandparent if possible anyway.
Technically once our baby is born as long as their sister is in the house the arrangement has a huge loophole, especially since they aren't allowed alone period with their half sister by her ex.
In any case, he shouldn't have to give anything up if his job situation changed. Its possible a CS situation could change though...
Where do I find those blogs??
Where do I find those blogs??