Dfferent phases in life
Fairly new relationship of less than two years. We recently moved it up a level on committment and now live together. He would like to be married. I am mixed. Here is why. We are in different phases in life of parenting. Although we are in within two years of the same age, he has a 7 yr old, and my youngest (of 4) in is HS. Our lives are in different places, on drastic measures. My childrens father and I intetionally began to have kids right after we married so that we would still be young when they were grown, able to enjoy activities with them as adults, as well as still enjoy our 2nd life after the nest was empty. That marriage ending didn't really change the course of that, but actually probably pushed it more. He and I have been apart for 10 yrs. We have two out of the house, and the other two close behind. Having 50/50 custody has given us both free time we've had to learn to embrace, as time has moved on we both have. So enters the issue. My current and I are in way different places on this clearly. It will be many years befor he is anywhere near where I am. In addition due to his career field he is often working part of every weekend, and always has his child on weekends he doesn't and the part of the weekend he isn't working. I feel very selfish that I am a tad derailed by this. It really changes the weekends, and I am finding myself miseable. We have discussed this, but I dont see a "fix". He is a good dad and should have all the time he wants and needs with her, but this leaves me feeling alone, and like what to do with my tiime. I wasn't sure how I would even be with a young child around again, as I am so out of that phase. Has anyone btdt? I honestly am just so past doing this again. I feel like it is a deal break, and I feel crappy about it. I know you might be saying you were aware of this prior to living together, and I was and I brought it up, we agreed to continue to proceed but 4 mos in I see how my life will be playing out in a few years, and I do not see it being a happy one for me. I also do not feel like my needs will be met, and that I will ended up spending time out with friends, etc alone and that will not be good for the relationship. Has anyone been there done this?
What 'sueu2' said
What 'sueu2' said ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you feel like it's a deal
If you feel like it's a deal breaker, then it is. Please, don't let feelings of guilt push you into marrying the wrong man. And yes, while he may be wonderful, he is the wrong man for you. Marrying him will likely breed resentment towards him and eventually towards his child, and none of you deserve that.
It's a personal decision.
It's a personal decision. Rarely do our plans work out exactly as we thought.
I was single for most of my 40s and 50s and had a great life. I am perfectly happy traveling, going out to eat, movies, etc with friends and family or even alone. But that's not for everyone. Just because I enjoyed it doesn't mean that you should like it.
I also know that I could not live with a small child at my age. My SIL has custody of a 2 year old grandchild. I could not do that. I know myself.
This is not the later life that you had planned for yourself. The question that only you can answer is spending part of your time with this man worth all the time you can't spend together. And it's not what makes "them" happy - it's what in the long term makes your life worthwhile.
my experience is pretty
my experience is pretty simple, if it bothers you now, it will only be worse once you start to live it. It doesn't get better. Only harder. JMO
I am in a similar situation.
I am in a similar situation. My son is 20 and has lived on his own for 2 years. My DH and I met and married with in 6 months. I did this knowing he is a very involved dad and that we would have the kids (SD 9 & SD 11) every other weekend. Which doesn't sound like much, but he is only home on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I always wanted more kids but am not physically able so this was a great compromise. I still am jealous that I only get him to myself for 2-3 days every 14 days, but the kids are not going to be around for ever and they deserve their time with him as well. So I am willing to make the most out of the situation as it is right now. Mind you I quit the job I loved, sold the house I loved and completely relocated to another town; so I am very lonely at times. This has worked so far, but I am anticipating controversy and hopefully we can communicate through it. I made a commitment to my husband and his kids.
You on the other hand did not want or expect to fall in love with a man who has small children. You did. Now the question is; do you change your entire path in life and take on raising a child so that you can be with his father? This child will have lots of needs and requirements that, when it is your biological child are sometimes difficult at best, so when it is a child you neither wanted or needed do you think it is going to be or be any easier? Add that to the fact that there is a BM and a part-time husband and father who is going to be torn between you constantly, is that how you want to spend the next 11 years? Is any man worth that? I am not trying to be harsh, you seem like a very independent person who has their head on straight to be considering the entire picture instead of putting on your rose colored goggles and crossing your fingers and hoping for the best. While I would agree that you and your SO are vested; unless you are vested in being a part-time mom, rule enforcer, taxi cab driver, sports attending, maid, cook, target of occasional disrespect, getting dressed in middle of the night to support your husband and he sits with his ex in the waiting room in the ER when the child is sick, and label of "woman who stole my dad" then I suggest you cut you do yourself, your SO, and his kids a favor and get right back on that road to CA!!
This does not make you less of a person. It makes you a realist. One who realizes the real-ness of the situation and chooses to do what is right for yourself, your SO, and the child. Sure it is going to be hard. I can't imagine leaving my current husband; but I have left one who promised me everything and delivered nothing. Lip service is that, lip service. No matter what you choose I wish you the best because either way you have some tough decisions to make.