Did I do the right thing here?
Ok, sooo..
I am in my home office working and I hear SS's 10 & 13 arguing.. then SK13 knocking on my door. He says "SK10 won't let me use one of his pencils".. so I calmly say "tell him to come up here and I will talk to both of you"..
SK10 pounds up the stairs and immediately is on the defensive yelling "I am not letting him use my pencil, no no no!!!!"..
I am like "hold on - first, you will NOT walk in this room and yell at me".. He shuts up for a nanosecond and starts yelling again about how "he will not" do this or that.. Uh-no.. not playing this game.
So I calmly ask why won't he let his brother use a pencil? Are you using it? He says "no, he's not using it".. so I ask "then what's the problem?".. His response is "he won't let me use one when I need one"..
I think "easy fix".. right?? So I say "well, how about I make sure the next time you need a pencil you brother does lend his to you?".. sounds diplomatic enough.. (to a sane person)..
Nope. He argues that "no, he won't do it".. Whatever - at this point I'm already fed up with this situation.
So, I say "this is a classic example of being nice to someone and being the bigger person and doing the right thing - your brother needs the pencil to do his homework and you aren't using it. The right thing here is to give him your pencil"
Ughhh.. he then calls his brother "stupid" and starts rooting through his backpack. This is when I say "SK10 you will nicely hand him the pencil (if I don't there is a chance he will throw it at him), and SK13, when you are done you will hand it back to your brother and say thank you - got it?" Then SK10 declares "that's why this house is crap"...
Lord help me. I wanted to knock him into next week. HOWEVER, somehow I stayed calm and said "SK10, you will go into your room and stay there while I call your father."
So, I call dear old dad.. tell him the story and he tells me to tell SK10 that he is to stay in his room till he gets home (in an hour and a half), no video games and make sure his homework is done. So I go into his room and relay the wonderful message and I get called a "liar, that dad wouldn't say that and he heard me arguing with him and he knows his dad didn't say that".... I'm seriously like WTF (to myself).. this kid loves to cause fights between his father and I and does it any time he can.. my blood was boiling because he was just hoping that this was the case here..
Again I stay calm.. and say "no, your father did say that and he will deal with you when he gets home" I am again called a liar and told that's why this house is crap.
So.. what would you do in this case? Was I right in how I handled it? Does this mega brat owe me an apology? I think he does.. and then some.
He probably didn't have any.
He probably didn't have any. If they are anything like my steps, they lose about 300 pencils a week and when it come time for homework, we are searching the whole house to find a pencil.
we are apparently out of
we are apparently out of pencils.. duh
He TOTALLY owes you an
He TOTALLY owes you an apology!! No way should he be allowed to get away w/that disrespect. If it were me, and I was calling DH anyway, I probably would have just had DH talk to the kid himself, and then deal with it more when he gets home. I hope your DH backs you up and makes the kid apologize to you. What a terror.
Ya know, SO and BM have told
Ya know, SO and BM have told skids they have to apologize to me but I'm sorry, that means jack to me. to me, an apology is from the heart not b/c someone makes you say it. I've actually told skids that I didn't accept their apology 5 hours later and b/c they had to say it. They meant what they said at that time and they aren't sorry.
Disengage and move on.
Buy a 20 pack of plain pencils, keep them in your office.
My own kids would have a
My own kids would have a stupid argument like that, and you handled it well. But I don't have a dad to call, and it probably wasn't necessary. You and your husband should have a plan of action so you/he/skids all know what the punishment will be if they cause trouble. I agree on the apology thing. You deserve one, but don't hold your breath. My kids apologize to me automatically, but I HATE that feeling of being apologized to because the child is forced to.
While the disrespect was
While the disrespect was unacceptable, I can see where you ss's frustration comes from. If ss13 has repeatedly in the past not shared a pencil and gotten away with it, then he feels vicitmized that he is now being forced to give his up. My step daughter does the crap all the time.... Is a total A-hole to her brother, and when finally stepson has the upper hand to teach her a life lesson in fairness... She goes crying to Dh and gets her way.
It's hard to be the "submissive" sibling to the constantly dominating sibling. In his mind he felt he was doing exactly what his big brother had done to him time and time before and no one helped him..... But his brother got help getting what he wanted. Either the pencils are community property and are for anyone to use, or they each have their own stock to keep track of.
Oh, this crap goes both ways
Oh, this crap goes both ways - they are equally mean to each other. SK10 is no victim here.. if anything, he is the more selfish and hateful of the two. SK13 is just manipulative
He's damn lucky that I'M not
He's damn lucky that I'M not his SM. I am a nice person but not when a CHILD is blatantly disrespectful to me in that manner. If my OWN son would have ever acted like this, he would have earned a pop on his butt as well as any other punishment I saw fit. If it were my NEICE or NEPHEW, I would have done the same.
This is why I NEVER had the skids alone around me. If it were visitation weekend, then daddy can watch them.
I don't care if there were 1000 pencils in the older one's backpack, there is absolutely NO reason for that kind of disrespect to be allowed to occur from a child to an adult.
Too bad you couldn't give him a shock collar. }:) Disclaimer: I would never actually put a shock collar on animal or skidanimal.
The kid would not have had a
The kid would not have had a chance to be disrespectful. I would have told the older one to look around the house for a pencil.
Years ago with my Biod I
Years ago with my Biod I would have done what you did, probably. But, I read in a book when kids are arguing or complaining about someone You should lead them to that peron and tell them to work it out and leave them to it. Don't get in it, even if they beat each other up.If you didn't have a pencil to give to the ss that needed it, you could make a special point of telling the one that needed the pencil to wait till DH got home. Then when DH got home take that ss to the store and buy him some pencils and a treat for letting it go and waiting till you were able to get him some pencil. Let the other ss go with out. Then DH can deal with the next fit that ss that doesn't want to share has.
Just a question, I don't
Just a question, I don't really know your history, but here goes. Why did you call your husband? You are the adult and handled it better than a judge. By calling the man to dish out the sentence, you immediately downgrade your authority. You sound diplomatic, intelligent, strong, and fair. Should be good enough qualities for the judge to hand down the verdict and the sentencing.
I called him because there is
I called him because there is a history here of this little brat turning whatever I say or do around to make me the bad guy.
I know it undermines my authority - but that damage was done a long time ago when it seemed every rule/consequence/etc. was too harsh for his little brats and he would just go and edit it. They are the most manipulative kids I have ever met!
If I wouldn't have called him the situation would have been flipped. Dad would have gotten home, inquired as to why his 10 year old was in time-out and all hell would have broken loose. If I would have placed him in time out for an hour and a half (like his father instructed) on my own it would have been deemed "too harsh" and poor little SK10 would have been removed immediately and I would have been chastized (probably in front of him)..
Hence the reason I am over these kids and just about over this relationship. Being a step mom sucks ass.
It's a damn shame. Because
It's a damn shame. Because you sound very fair and diplomatic. He will NEVER EVER find anyone else to tolerate the situation. No way in hell. Some guys are just f*#@ing morons.
Thanks - I try. Lord knows
Thanks - I try. Lord knows I try.
These kids are damaged goods with zero respect, responsibility, consideration, etc. They are a walking time bomb ready to go off in their teen years. I feel bad for them because they were made into this by a self centered stay at home mom and a egotistical work a holic dad that was never home to show them anything. On the other hand, when an adult that loves them tries to show them qualities in life that they will need to possess to be productive members of society as adults she is made into a villian... you know that story.
I'm done. Let them self destruct and good luck to ol' pops on finding another woman to take on his baggage. I'm thru having all the responsibility - yet zero fricking authority to what happens in my home.
That's how my Dh is with SD.
That's how my Dh is with SD. No matter what its always too harsh for her, and he will chastise/belittle me for it in front of her, and then take her off punishment entirely. Even things we've discussed and agreed apon ahead of time, the second he see little princess being sad, he rushes to her rescue. Yet when ss will do the exact same thing, said punsihment is now too easy and he wants to throw more stuff on top of it. So I've basically given up with her, cause I am wrong no matter what and she knows it. I get no respect from her, because she knows as soon as daddy gets home she's in the free and clear, and I am in trouble.
This is such BS and why do we
This is such BS and why do we have to deal with it. In a normal married home with no step parents if mom issued consequences it would hold. Not when it's a StepMom.. we aren't "good enough" to reprimand these kids.
Oh, I didn't answer the
Oh, I didn't answer the question. Yes, you did amazingly well. I would pay for your patience.
The thing is, men would
The thing is, men would refuse to be put in this same unfair attitude coming their way. If a man has to be watching your kids, he will generally only watch them and be responsible for them under HIS TERMS. If there are any limits on him, he would probably say, get a sitter.
I'm going to be stuck getting
I'm going to be stuck getting my SDs up and off to day camp the month they are with us this summer. DF leaves the house at 5:30am and doesn't return until 6:30-7:00pm. I already told him that I will treat them the way I treated my son and treat my nieces and nephews. If he or their mom has an issue with that, he better come up another plan that doesn't include me.
With kids like these, play
With kids like these, play hard to get. Be a snob. Give them a reason to want your attention and affection. It makes them more eager to please when you're not intrested in them. People call it disengaging. I think you have to take it a step further. Exclude them a little bit, be a bit more hard to find. Let's face it, kids will behave only for people they want to please. Dad isn't showing the backbone of a normal man, so boys don't want to impress or please him.
I don't have or want anything
I don't have or want anything to do with them. They bring nothing enjoyable to the table at all. Their personalities suck, they are hateful, bitter, selfish, mean.. you name it. I have never seen them produce one sweet selfless act - it's all about "getting mine" with them. The SK10 actually had the nerve to ask me if he could go with me last night to look after a friends horse after he was an obnoxious jerk over a pencil.. I looked right at him and said "really? you expect me to take you somewhere after what you just pulled?"....
Man, I love my kids. I feel
Man, I love my kids. I feel for you.