Disengaging worked for me, I no longer care if they can't use utensils, pick their stuff up, they whine constantly, baby talk, fight, argue, don't listen, etc... I just leave the room/house. I am gone a lot more with my own outside interests when they are over. It has forced DH to be more accountable for them. And I sure as hell do NOT babysit anymore. Ever. DH actually accepted it pretty readily, he saw how close I was to losing my shit with them I think.

I still make dinner, because if I didn't, one of two possible outcomes would happen;
a) they would starve
b) he would buy food every time, that's too expensive and it's not healthy

He is on his own for lunch with them however. And breakfast. I do not cater dinner to them anymore though, I make what I want, if they eat it, great, if not, make a pb&j, don't care.

Mainly, I just realized I can do nothing to help ensure that these kids turn out halfway decent as human beings, so why stress over it? As long as they aren't causing me problems directly, I stay the hell out. If DH specifically asks for help with something I will help, but it is for him, not them.

I got married almost a year ago and had no idea beforehand how awful my skids were. NO idea. Boy was I in for a shock once I had to be around them every other week.

My only choice was to disengage, and I did it before I even knew there was a term for it. I just mentally checked out, almost from the beginning. They eventually learned that if they needed anything or felt like pestering somebody to do something for them, ncgal was NOT the one to ask/tell. My go-to response became "Go ask your dad." Even if they just wanted a cookie, nope! Don't ask me. Go ask your dad.

Inevitably, in the beginning, if they asked me for something, I'd accommodate their request (but NOT their demands, which were many and frequent in the beginning), then later on I'd catch hell from DH or BM for doing it. (Example: "Why'd you let SS7 have a cookie? He didn't eat his lunch at school today!" [Like I would've known that.]) So yeah, I stopped feeling responsible for taking care of my husband's kids' needs.

I have two kids of my own - ages 4 and 9 - and they're with us full-time. The skids are with us every other week. I have my hands full, with a full-time job and my two bio kids every night and weekend. I am NOT about to burn myself out taking care of five kids (all boys, all under the age of ten).

Now, on to your questions (keeping in mind that I'm still relatively new to this disengagement thing):

1. Why/how disengaging succeeded (ex: youre happy as a pig in poop)

I'm much less stressed out now, though I do have my "I'm about to lose my damn mind" moments from time to time. Even when I try to tune the skids out, sometimes they're just too much for me and I have to get the hell away from them. Far enough away that I can't even hear their voices, because just the sound of them yakking away can send me off into a tailspin sometimes.

I will say that life is easier now that I don't feel responsible for them. They're rude, lazy, VERY demanding, have no manners, have lots of learned helplessness (the 7- and 8-year-olds still don't bathe themselves or tie their own shoes, and the 7-year-old can't even dress himself), and can't see an adult in their presence without thinking up something to ask said adult to do or get for them. They're VERY clingy and VERY bothersome. WAY more so than my two kids ever were, even as toddlers.

I guess I'd say I'm about as happy as I can be, given the situation.

2. Why/how disengaging failed or is difficult(ex: you couldnt let go of issues)

My DH still says things sometimes to try to make me feel guilty. Last night, he went to SS9's ball game. It lasted two hours (6-8pm). Why they schedule games like this on a school night, I'll never know, but I informed DH that I would not be attending this game. I wasn't about to sit there on the bleachers with my two kids, all three of us bored out of our minds, for two freaking hours. I don't even pick my kids up from after-school care until 5:30 every day, and then we need to make and eat dinner, do homework, take baths/showers, etc. I do NOT have time to spend two hours on a school night watching somebody else's kid flail around on a ball field, so no thank you.

But last night, while I was at home with my boys, DH sent me a text saying "I wish you were here. I'm the only parent here alone! This SUCKS!"

I texted him back that I was sorry to hear that, but that I would not be coming up there to sit with him, dragging my two kids along with me to sit there and waste our evening.

He answered, "Sorry. I won't bother you again. I'll keep it to myself from now on."

Me: "OK, thanks."

...And I left it at that.

He doesn't like it, but he's going to have to accept the fact that his little darlings are NOT the center of my universe, and I'm not going to punish my kids for the sake of his kids. My kids will always come first to me before his, as it should be. I'd never expect him to do that for my kids, so I think fair's fair.

3. Tips on what exactly you disengage from and what you still engage in? (ex: do you still make supper or not)

I do still help DH make dinner every night, but if it's on a night that the skids are there, oftentimes SS7 will butt in and try to take over. After a few attempts by SS7 to take over meal planning and preparation, I look at DH, say "See ya," and walk away. I go upstairs and find something else to do, and he can call me down when dinner's ready. I'm NOT going to stand in there and try to cook with that little pest in my damn way, literally taking the dishes and cooking utensils and meal preparation right out of my hands. DH never stops him and just says "Well, he's just trying to help." Fine, then. Let him help YOU, DH. I'm outta here.

I also help with laundry and other housework, and in fact I even do more than my share on weeks that the skids are there. This serves two purposes: (1) it gives me an excuse not to hang out with the skids; and (2) it gives DH more time to spend with his kids because the work is still getting done.

I do NOT babysit the skids, unless it's one at a time, for a very short period of time (30 minutes or less), and only when I VOLUNTARILY agree to do it. I will NOT be guilted into being those brats' babysitter.

I also do NOT take the skids anywhere. I am not their chauffeur. I have to do enough of that with my own kids, and I'm not taking on that responsibility for his.

Basically, I keep them from starving, make sure they have a clean home to stay in, and that's about it.

4. Dealing with your emotions & the kids who constantly do things to intentionally create havoc.

I've gotten to the point now that when his kids are being industrial-strength assholes, I just look at DH and say "I have to go. NOW." Then I leave. I either just go upstairs and hide out in the bedroom with the door shut, or I leave the house altogether. I refuse to be subjected to their tirades and their whiny asses one single second longer than is absolutely necessary. I also do NOT reward this behavior. DH says they ask all the time why I never spend time with them. I tell him flat-out that it's because I find their behavior and attitudes to be deplorable and unacceptable, and until that changes, I will not be spending any time with them.

5. Anything else that you think might help someone when starting out.

I think the most important thing is to be honest and upfront with your DH. Don't hide anything. Get it all out in the open. I didn't do that at first, and I should have. I made every excuse I could think of to get away from his kids for quite a while, and then finally I "came out of the closet" and told him point-blank how his kids' behavior makes me feel, and how repulsive I find their attitudes sometimes. I don't hate THEM, but I DO hate their behavior.

Your DH probably won't take it very well, at least at first. Mine didn't. He kept throwing in my face, "You hate my kids! You hate my kids!" He still does that occasionally, and I keep answering him the same way: "I hate their BEHAVIOR, DH. It's the BEHAVIOR that I can't stand."

I don't like my skids. I really don't. I've tried to like them, but I just can't. They were not raised the way my kids were, and I can't accept their rudeness and laziness. It's just more than I can handle, and I realize that that's not going to change. So in order to live in this situation, I had to mentally check out - disengage. It was either that or get a divorce, which I'd rather not do. I love my DH too much to just walk away.

I don't have much advice at this point, as I'm still sort of a newbie myself, but if nothing else, I recommend that you sit down with your DH as soon as possible and have an open, honest discussion about this situation and how it makes you feel, and what you've decided to do about it, and then go from there.

I wish you the best of luck! And just remember, you're NOT alone! There are tons of us step-parents out there going through the exact same thing!

Disengaging didn't work for me. Well, it worked for me, but not for my ex.

He wanted me to be to do stuff for them and love them but have zero authority over them and zero expectations of how they should act or treat me. If I wasn't doing that, I got bitched at all the time about how I didn't care and wasn't respectful and made everyone uncomfortable and was hurting their feelings.

Most people have success with disengaging, however.

1. Why/how disengaging succeeded (ex: youre happy as a pig in poop)

My disengagement has succeeded as my blood pressure is back to normal without meds and most of my stresses are self-induced not step. I still handle some things in my home such as reminding SS he has clothes to put up and I will not be responsible when DH gets aggravated but it has succeeded in the fact I don't care anymore - I have gotten really good at closing the bedroom door. I have gotten good at tuning out when I hear BM's name. I have found new time for myself that I never though I had before.

2. Why/how disengaging failed or is difficult(ex: you couldn't let go of issues)

At the same time my disengagement as failed in the fact sometimes I feel like shutting SS's bedroom door I am disrespecting my own house as I like keeping a clean house. I still cannot let go of some things that annoy the piss out of me like SS asking in a sad voice if he can USE my PS3 with DH right there when I feel like I can't say no because right after I disengaged SS made up a elaborate lie about me threatening him etc, and DH's buddies bitch wife he doesn't like said she heard me say all of it to SS when our conversation was outside while she was inside nursing a baby and screaming at her own skids. I feel like this will get to me for a while.

3. Tips on what exactly you disengage from and what you still engage in? (ex: do you still make supper or not)

I disengaged from cleaning up from SS for the most part. I try to play a game of "Who will this bother first" and let DH get annoyed first, sometimes I lose but there is a lot less resentment as I am not a maid, I did not get with DH to be a made. I have also disengaged from BM I will try my best to tune out when SS brings her up and DH and I have a rule unless it is something truly eating at him or an emergency I do not need to know what is going on. I disengaged from cooking before I started the actual disengagement process as SS lied to BM saying that DH was cooking so they could talk about how good of a cook his daddy was, and then he told her I tried to kill him because his meet looked a little more pink then the was she cooked it.

I am still engaged in getting SS up and ready for school. I remind of chores and picking up but refuse to discipline or do them. I am here if he needs me but I have tried to make myself known as an asset to make DH happier not to be at their beck and call.

4. Dealing with your emotions & the kids who constantly do things to intentionally create havoc.

SS knows how to create havoc and upset me. This is when I find something to do out of the house and I ignore it, I will go outside and read, go to bed early something. If he continues I tell him how pointless it is to do those things and that eventually me getting upset will upset DH and does he want to live with DH the way he was with BM to which he responds no and for the most part he has calmed down.

5. Anything else that you think might help someone when starting out.

Remember you are an asset to your situation. You are not a maid, these kids are not our kids. We have lives and things that we need to do for ourselves before we do stuff for them - they have two parents that they came out of, so let them stress - our health isn't worth someone else's child.