disengaging and Skids messy rooms, argggg!!!
im disengaging, and things -for the most part- are going quite well. DH is taking over the responsibilities and i feel lighter. Good job for both of us, im stepping aside and he is stepping in. it has been 3 months or so.
i have to admit that is very hard to let go and that the disengaging process in itself is kind of like grieving....you are grieving all the illusions of having a "normal" family, im dealing with that in counseling
...ANYWAY, this post is to ask advice on a very concrete issue: when i was playing the mom role i was very strict about the standards of neatness in the rooms (my son and my SD). im not talking perfect rooms but not clothing all over the floor mixed with school supplies, laundry clean and dirty, candy wrappers, and toys, you get the picture...
well since i disengaged , the standards in her room have gone down (the room actually smells), my husband (a very clean and organized guy himself) has not kept the standards...and it bugs me to death to see the mess, to see that there are no consequences for the way she chooses to live...im really having a hard time dealing with this in many levels:
1-it bugs me that he did not keep up the standards
2-it bugs me that she is so messy...and her room is in MY house
3-it bugs me that my son sees the difference between my standards with him and my DH standards with her, it gets a bit confusing for him…and sometimes for me too
i think what bugs me the most is that DH gave in to HER standards and is teaching her a bad lesson
I told DH that im having some trouble dealing with that new "messy default". he said to stay out of it, that he already told her to clean it the day before....what does that mean then? that he tells her to do stuff, she doesn’t do it at all and we are all just fine with that?!!?!?
im not saying another word about this to him because i know it will cause problems but i need to find a solution to be able to let go (which is very hard) or to establish that this is very important to me and that DH has to keep that room in order somehow...help!?
I completely understand your
I completely understand your feelings. My two ss's (18 & 14) rooms are complete pig styes. My boys who SHARE a room have it so clean and it doesn't stink at all but ss's rooms are beyond messy with laundry and clean all mixed together, food rotting (literally) in corners and under things and hidden everywhere, wrappers, even poop smears on the blankets and carpet in 14's room. I canNOT even walk into their rooms without holding my breath. I have complained almost daily now for over a year and about once every 6 months they will pick up. SS18's room was so bad when their grandma came over that SO had to use a rake to clean out the trash (like a hoarders house) and Grandma was upset and even hinted at making it my fault as the "mom" of the household. I outright told her that I do not take any credit or blame when it comes to how her grandkids are being raised. The BM was the one who completely messed these boys up. SO tells me she did NOTHING for them EVER in the ways of mothering; never cleaned, cooked laundry or read to them or homework or anything. She was an alcoholic all thorughout their marriage. I don't know the answer to how to deal with this b/c I am wondering myself how much we should do to keep our own homes even livable so I will be watching this post too
I am somewhat an OC person so you can imagine how living with these boys is for me. I have kind of gotten to the point of just knowing that when they finally move out I will have my home like I like it - CLEAN and NEAT! Until then I buy everything at goodwill and if it gets lost or broken or stained - so be it. :jawdrop: :sick:
My Bio and Skids are not
My Bio and Skids are not allowed to go outside or play
UNTIL things are done...
I have to tell them to brush their teeth....
But that is the way we do it here...
No play until room is cleaned up..beds are made...teeth are brushed...hair is brushed...and they are dressed..
and they all get CHORES too...
Yeah...Evil StepMom isn't doing everything..
Grant it..they will play around in the house in the morning...but if they want to go outside they need to do their
"list"....
If no going outside..well then they have to be reminded to do what they should do for themselves and for the family..