Is disengaging really the best decision?
As I read other posts and answers to some of my own, the big thing is disengagement. It doesn't sound like an easy task and it really doesn't sound beneficial to me. It means that you disregard the care/well being of your stepchild. I have tried to disengage many, many times but my natural mother instincts tell me I want to do whats right and whats best for my SS just like I would for my DD and DS. How do other people live their life with their bios and stepkids with 2 different sets of rules, expectations and consequences? Im not saying that is a bad thing, it just really seems maybe like the easy way out and/or ignoring the issue at hand. Is this really the only hope for having a successful blended family? Maybe there really just isn't a way to get on the same page when you're blending families. I have to admit this website was a HUGE relief to me to be able to hear other stories like my own when I have felt so alone and guilty but I'm a little shocked to find out that no one really has the answer on how to fix the issues. Again, to hear others stories is VERY VERY comforting to me, but I'm a little sad to think that disengagement is the solution.
Its not easy. Its only if you
Its not easy. Its only if you are being unappreciated, taken advantage of, and are physically at your limit because skids and DH make you the scapegoat for all THEIR issues.
Its when your DH isn't working with you, but either isn't working at all or with the skids.
Its a solution for when all else fails and you are ready to leave your relationship.
Sheesh, really sounds
Sheesh, really sounds depressing...I think that is where I am at in my relationship but I just can't bring myself to fully disengage. The behaviors/actions bother me to my inner core. I can't accept that I feel like DH isn't teaching SS everything he should be. I want to teach SS teh same values/manners that I hope to instill in my bios. Now I dont blame DH bc he is a man and men view differently (which is why there is a mother and a father) but ugghh...I don't know. I guess I don't really know what to do
This is a common hang-up for
This is a common hang-up for step-parents - thinking that you have the right to actually parent. It sounds ridiculous on the surface, but it is really true. As a step-parent, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO AUTHORITY, UNLESS YOUR SPOUSE GIVES IT TO YOU! It took me years to understand this. I assumed that I had authority with my SD just because I was filling the role vacated by her loser father, providing for her material needs, and giving her a place to live. Not so! As a step-parent, you don't mean shit unless your SO empowers your to parent, and consistently enforces consequences for the skids if they disrecpect you. Unless you have a spouse that is willing to do this, you will have no authority with your skids, and they could give 2 shits about your "values/manner" and so forth.
In reality, very few bio-parents are willing to confer "parental authority" on their SOs. This is due to a number of reasons, but guilt and laziness are the two biggest. Unless you are one of the lucky few, you will never have the legitimacy needed to actually teach skids the things that you mentioned. The best approach, in my opinion, is to disengage. Like others have said, just hand over all responsibilites to the bio-parents, and let them do as they will. Focus your energy on your SO. Once I started doing this, things got much better for me.
I think paul_in_utah is
I think paul_in_utah is right. I am learning this the hard way. No matter what rules or consequences you and your SO agree to, unless the bio parent is actually willing to act on them, the step-parent is pretty much powerless. Let's just be honest here, as far as most Skids are concerned, the step-parent is just another paycheck coming into the household. Nothing more, nothing less.
Of course you want to teach
Of course you want to teach your SS all the wonderful things that are important to you. However, and I will be blunt, you can't. He's not your child and the people who had this child are not supporting you on this.
Yes my SD and SS do things that are just inherently not what I would allow my child to do or say or be. But you know what I had to realize, they aren't mine and I have no right to make those judgments. A bio parent will have to make their bed and later, lie in it. You can watch it all go wrong, but that's all you can do is watch.
The alternative is cause stress to your marriage and make yourself unhappy and frustrated.
We ALL at one point or
We ALL at one point or another wanted to have a good relationship with them. OBVIOUSLY there is smth more at the core of things since these arent isolated instances. Dr. Phil says that it has to do with the fact that as stepparents we are not there for the life cirucmstances that make a parent BOND with a child. the first illness, first boo boo, exc. ext. and after a few of these experiences that a person CAN bond with a child. makes sense
Disengaging saved my
Disengaging saved my marriage. I didn't stop caring for my skids, I just put it back on to my husband- their father. I still went to ball games and helped with prom. But i did not finance anything for my skids. I did not clean after them, I did not cook for them, etc. Now in my case, it may have been a little easier, because when I discovered the concept of disengaging, the skids were teens and could fend for themselves, and if they finally ran out of clean clothes, they could do their own.
It made my husband appreciate more the things I did for him and the family. Full disengagement really only lasted about 8-9 months. The skids saw a change in the house, and even commented on how things were different, and they didn't like it. They began to pick up slack without even being told. Now we are back to an even balance of things...
It is Mother's day and I am
It is Mother's day and I am tears when I find this site. My husband has 3 children from a previous marriage and we have 2 together. I have tried to do everything right from the beginning. He was the first person I ever dated that had children. I was very cautious, wanting to meet his ex before I met the kids. I knew if she had a problem with me it wouldn't work and we would go our seperate ways. She ended up bringing the kids with her...yea! Fast forward 6 years and here we are now. We've been married for 5 yeas, have a 3 year old and a 1 year old together. My husband's ex recently split up with her long term live in boyfriend, who her kids were calling "Daddy". They do not see him anymore and to top it all off she moves them from a big house in the country into a little house in the city....are you ready....with her ex's ex-wife's ex-boyfriend! Did you get all that? The kids they once called their step brother is no longet their step brother - HIS brother is now their "step" brother. It's messed up, I know. And...she doesn't want her oldest son, who is in middle school, to go to school where she now lives. So he moved in with us so he could continue to go to a small town school and not a ghetto school. Life has totally flipped upside down for my family. My step son is bipolar, ADHD and Oppositional Defiant. NOT EASY!!! Because he has went from elementary school to middle school, in the middle of the school year, he is testing every limit possible. It has been hell, and I am not exaggerating. My 3 year old is in distress over the whole thing. Our house is not normal any more. Every evening is filled with fits and hours upon hours of homework my SS refused to do in school. I think I am losing it. And to top it all off his mother enrolled him an an extra curricular, without asking us, where she lives, 1 hour away, 2x a week! This is all because my 3 year old is playing tball and she got jealous that my husband is going to his games. Just last week we went through this whole trauma of worry because she had us convinced my SD had a brain tumor. Now she says it is just stress head aches because my husband doesn't pay enough attention to her! WTF! My husband is an awesome and involed father, always pays his child support and never misses visitation. We have a 4 bedroom house. The SK all have bedrooms, with beds, seperate clothes, shoes, toys....everything they need! They need nothing when they come to our house - we provide completely seperate but equal living for them. My oldest son, who lives with us ALL the time, didn't even have a place of his own the first 2 years of his life until we could find a bigger hosue. I cannot believe the odasity of this woman. No matter what we do - it is never enough. She is constantly changing schedules on a whim and doesn't even let us know. Friday she picked SS up from school and didn't even bother telling us. The day before that she came to our hosue, before we got home and picked him up, without out knowledge. I just about flipped the F out to think she was in my home, without my permission. I felt so invaded! I don't know how to get this woman to stop controlling out lives. I feel like our only options are to move, far away....or to leave my husband, which would only punish our sons. I don't want to ever hurt them but I don't know how much more I can take.
I know it's easy for me to
I know it's easy for me to say this...but she's not doing these things to piss you off. She is thinking of herself. She is selfish and may have some of SS's problems too.
I would suggest moving your son to a charter school if one is available. Maybe there's one closer to BM? Does he have a 504 plan or IEP for his conditions? If not, he needs one ASAP to make sure that his teachers are supporting his learning style and need to move/interrupt. Maybe he needs one to one support? He likely needs a lot of organizational help. In time, he can be more responsible for it...but for now his parents/teachers will need to do a lot of it. It's like needing glasses...he may see better one day, but for now you have to be those glasses for him. Check backpack daily for homework/notes from school...he'll never show them to you!
Sending big hugs and lots of love and light your way...
Thank you. We do those
Thank you. We do those things daily. He does have an IEP and good teahers. His defiance is unreal though. That is the biggest problem. He would be perfectly fine if he could go to school and not have to get an education or do anything he is told. He is a a preteen now so this is something we have been dealing with for many years. He does need structure and a schedule but that is impossible with his mother's impulsiveness. He is in the office at least 2x a week calling his dad to see where he is supposed to go after school because she changes it up so many times. She promised to enroll him him martial arts for the last 4 years and not that he is living with us she does it. I don't get that? It is really frustrating. The most likely truth is that BM didn't want my SS to ruin her new relationship and that is the only reason he is living with us and not her. Within 2 weeks of her last boyfriend moving into her house she admitted my SS into a pediatric psych ward 2 hours away from where they live. That about killed my husband - he was devastated and a shell of a man for quite sometime. He was very worried for SS's safety and security. We only got to see him 2x a week for 30 minutes. It was awful. She started talking about another visit to the hospital around the time of the move.
And now it is somehow my husband's fault that my SD is having trouble adjusting to her new school and her new life - one my husbnad nothing to do with. I don't get that either. Oh - did I mention that BM works in the mental health field?
I know I just rambled again but venting is really helping me.
Disengaging reduced my stress
Disengaging reduced my stress level 50%, you could tack on another 20% if the BM and kids moved far away!!!
I bought off on all the
I bought off on all the shared front when dealing with the children ( Step or Bio) but now it's his turn to implement the driving rules and grade policies for his bd and all of sudden they are thrown out the window. SD had a C or C- average and still drives. Deal was a B to drive. my Bio children paid for half the cost of their car; by working over the summer or after school, now it appears slowly by surely sd will be getting a extra car we have. I am so furious. My kids said this would happen and now it is. .......