Disheartened
I woke up from a sound sleep earlier and cannot get back to sleep. Decided to have a cup of tea and check out one of the parenting boards I joined a while back but decided not to stay a part of- WAY too negative- and in reading a post about boundaries where SMs are involved, I realized that so many BMs (at least the ones on that particular site) are totally against any type of SM involvement, even though having her (the SM) on board means, if she's a good stepmom and sincerely loves her skids, MORE love and support for the skids. Isn't that a nice idea- children having more love and support?
The particular post concerned a SM wanting to know if she should attend a doctor's appointment with DH and BM. So many BMs chimed in that SM has absolutely less than NO place going to anything about school, health, etc...but I find this so troubling because how does that separation address the "whole child", especially if the BF has 50/50 custody and those kids spend equal (if not greater) amounts of time with him and SM?
Obviously if animosity exists and the situation will be uncomfortable, that will take the focus off of the real issue and reason for the appointment- to help the child. If they can't put issues aside, I guess that would be a good reason for SM to not attend.
As a BM, as a teacher, and as a person who grew up an only child who was fortunate to have other parental figures besides my mom and dad (who are wonderful people and taught me important things, but who were babies themselves when they had me, had lots of their own "stuff" to get through, and who were always pretty open about the fact that they never wanted a child), I do believe that the more loving and varied influences a child has, the better and more well-rounded he or she will be.
What are your thoughts? My goodness, the people on that other site are really scary! I really appreciate Steptalk!
Isn't that interesting?
Isn't that interesting? Honestly, I have no interest in going to ANYTHING related to the skid...I can't really say I ever did...but then again, we had conflict with crazy witch from very early on.
I only recall going to the HOSPITAL ONCE to visit the skid...oops! Nope, it was actually DH was at the hospital with crazy witch, HER new husband, and skid...and DH went to see his daughter...found out she had NO CLEAN underwear or PAJAMAS at the hospital and BM told him that she had NONE at home either...nice, huh? So I got called to take clean underwear and PJs to kid...Guess what I got? Not a thank you, not even a freaking smile...instead, she ignored me COMPLETELY...that was the LAST time I ever did anything like that.
It's funny to me because honestly, anyone who acts that way is obviously still in love with their ex in that they want to still feel like they are a "family" vs. the smom being a part of the kid's life. I might even say that I could understand if they were against a part-time smom going to a dr's appt and being inside talking to the doctor, instead of waiting in the waiting room...but other than that, I think it's ridiculous.
It never ceases to amaze me that these women want the smom involved when it involved feeding their kids, helping their kids, an many times even supporting those kids...but as soon as you actually want to love and care for the child in other ways, you are told to butt out. Actually, this is not very different than what my DH experienced with crazy witch himself. I find that many BMs want the bio-dad involved provided he 1. agrees with everything she does 2. goes alone 3. never, ever, ever, ever looks or behaves better than she does...Crazy witch would call DH at the begining ONLY to complain about the kid or about him not being involved...as soon as he did get involved, which he did many times when younger, such as "kid was BORN in the US, but pathetic mother put her in a bilingual program because SHE didn't want to speak english to the kid's teachers", then he was told it was "none of his business!" DH eventually gave up and now of course, he's also bad for not being involved.
I would let the parents deal
I would let the parents deal with whatever they complain about related to your involvement. If it blows up in everyone's face including the child's, it just does.
I had to learn this the hard way, but do take some satisfaction that now at least my SD can read (she could not at age 11) and is now a 10,000 times better student, but still does not make good grades. I tried and it helped some so I did it. If my DH did not back me on that part at least, I could not imagine even trying it.
But if they insist on letting their child suffer and the child resents your involvement, just let them fail each other themselves with a clear conscience.
If the child's parents are
If the child's parents are going, then there is no need for the SP to be there. To me it's like an aunt going to her nieces doctor appointment with her sister and BIL. The aunt loves her niece but does she really need to be there? I've gone to doctors with my SKs and DF a few times only because he asked me to go. There's no way I would have gone if their mom was going. Why would I? As a teacher, I hate meeting with the parents and SMs. I always end up feeling like each mom wants me to place all the blame on the other if the kid isn't doing well. Of course if the kid is doing great, then they each want all the credit. Then you have to deal with the snide remarks and dirty looks from both sides.
If the child's parents are
If the child's parents are going, then there is no need for the SP to be there. To me it's like an aunt going to her nieces doctor appointment with her sister and BIL. The aunt loves her niece but does she really need to be there? I've gone to doctors with my SKs and DF a few times only because he asked me to go. There's no way I would have gone if their mom was going. Why would I? As a teacher, I hate meeting with the parents and SMs. I always end up feeling like each mom wants me to place all the blame on the other if the kid isn't doing well. Of course if the kid is doing great, then they each want all the credit. Then you have to deal with the snide remarks and dirty looks from both sides.