Do I cut and run...? (First post so a bit long, sorry!)
Hi all,
What a wonderful place to vent!
I need advice please!?
I have been married to my husband for four years next week. I have a now 4.5year old daughter from my first marriage and he has a now 13year old son and 7year old daughter from his first marriage. Together we have a little boy of 2.5years.
For the first few months of our marriage everything was going wonderfully as we believed we planned for all possibly issues that may arise in our new 'blended' family and we had an action plan. Pfffft.
For the past two years we have been through horrible ups and downs mainly because of the horrible manner in which my husband and his bio son treats my daughter. The details are long and makes me very sad, suffice to say that NO 4 year old child should be emotionally and verbally abused as she has been. It went through months of my husband completely ignoring her and refusing to even acknowledge her existence because she was 'naughty'.
Both his children are very docile by nature, my daughter and our bio son on the other hand are full of beans to say the least.
His 13year old son has always been a bit of a problem but I believed that with enough love he'll come around. I was sadly mistaken. He has increasingly became more violent, vengeful and generally mean and nasty to my daughter. So much so that she is petrified of him. He is generally a very mean and hateful child and has been in therapy for the past 7 years after his mom and dad's divorce in order to 'deal with it'.
After two years of arguing, begging, pleading, threatening, I finally issued an ultimatum that my husband and especially his son needs to get help because I cannot and will not stand by and watch her being treated like that. As usual my ultimatum was taken as another threat and when I asked a week later whether he has made any attempt to setup some appointments with the psych to get things rolling...he had not and had no immediate intention of doing so.
I told him that I will be moving out with my daughter and our son to a place where I will be comfortable in knowing they are both safe and out of harms way. Happy and not abused in ANY form or way. He freaked out and promised to get help 'tomorrow', which he did - for himself - and he has since been much better with my daughter which I truly applaud him for and appreciate.
I did however not make any plans for his son to see his psych - he was dead set against it as 'there's nothing wrong with his son'. Anyway, long story short - we've been in our own home for about 3 months now. We still see eachother weekly as a family and my husband and I spend time together almost every day. My daughter is a completely different child. She is not nervous, clingy or tearful anymore.
My step son has been in intense therapy for the past 3 months but I really see NO improvement. In fact, he has told my daughter as well as his sister that he loves the fact that he has his house and dad back for himself. My husband is treating my daughter really well but I really feel numb towards him - you know that feeling after you've given up hope - little too late feeling? We went out for dinner last week and the kids stayed with a babysitter. My daughter was in tears and howling when we left as she didn't want to stay alone with the other kids - specifically my step son.
My husband is really hounding me to move back home but I am truly not in favour of that as not much has really changed in my view and in fact, the relationship between my daughter and stepson has dramatically deteriorated. He is absolutely smothering me. I have spoken to the psych that they all have been seeing and she confirms that there isn't much that she will be able to influence / change about my stepson. I do not see things getting any better.
So, advice please on how I can tell my husband that I do not want a future like this and I need to put my children first and I do not want to move back. I can see that the next 80 years is going to be lived in constant fear and blame because our kids will ALWAYS be there - until we die - so the matter won't simply go away as they get older. I cannot live like that. How do I tell him I'm not moving back and possibly want a divorce?
Any advice please??
Thank you!
Lyla
If I were you, all you would
If I were you, all you would hear is the screech of rubber vs asphalt.
If your actually considering staying:
Your husband does not seem to take action without the threat of losing you.
Go to a therapy appointment with him and in front of his therapist explain:
We will be maintaining separate households. We can remain together as a couple, but I will not allow my children to be abused and your son is abusing them.
Full stop.
There is no wiggle room. He can accept separate households or he can sign divorce papers. Place the decision in his lap as it is due to his failures as a parent and step parent that you have arrived at this crossroads in your relationship.
Now I dont know if there are other solutions that can be negotiated: his son going to live with his mother and coming over on EXACT days that your daughter goes to see her father. But if the kid is still there... your daughter should not be.
It really sounds as though
It really sounds as though you've made your decision- that this isn't going to change, isn't what's best for you or your children, and you want to not move home and want a divorce. As far as telling your husband that, you tell him exactly that. It isn't easy to look at someone and say "I want a divorce," but no one is going to do it for you.
If you are giving any thought to staying at all, I suggest a new therapist for your ss and I suggest family therapy where all of you go. If as has been in therapy for 7 years and in intense therapy for 3 months with no change, then it either isn't going to change, or he needs a new therapist. The therapist has admitted she's done all she thinks she can, and it's possible a new one isn't going to do much better but if you're considering staying, consider every avenue first. But in considering staying, bear in mind your husband wasn't motivated to make good on his end of the deal and seek therapy until your bags were packed. He still didn't do anything with regard to his son's behavior until you left. Do you want to live life with a bag packed by the door so it's ready the next time an ultimatum comes down?
By having someone serve him
By having someone serve him divorce papers?
He seriously sounds like a grade A jerk. I get that maybe he found your daughter hard to deal with and felt the need to disengage, but refusing to deal with a situation that is endangering a child is inexcusable.
He refused to take action until you were already out the door. He's now "hounding" you to come back, regardless of the fact that nothing has changed with his son. So once again, he's willing to put your daughter in jeopardy because of his own desires and he's willing to brow beat you into getting his way. What ever attracted you to this man??
I fall in the camp of your marriage being your first priority and yours kids are your number one responsibility. So you have a conflict here in some ways, but you need to protect your children, specifically your daughter because your husband obviously won't. He apparently sees no need to at all.
See a lawyer, get the papers drawn up and get them delivered. To me it sounds like he's trying to placate you enough to get you to come back so everything can go back tot he way it was. It does not sound like this man really cares about you or your children. It doesn't sound like he's really listening to you at all when you speak to him.
Thank you so much for all the
Thank you so much for all the wise advice all, it's truly appreciated!
And Echo, sorry! :? Maths a bit shoddy ...married in 2009. First husband left me when my daughter was 3 months old. I met my current husband when she was one. We only dated a short time before we got married (which was in hindsight probably really dumb but eh). My ex has since done a lot to patch his relationship up with my daughter and she visits him every second weekend now and speaks to him on the phone everyday. She really loves her dad which I am truly grateful for.
Seems your Husband (and his
Seems your Husband (and his ExW) have created a perpetual "victim" out of the Stepson. He's been in therapy since he was 6 for a divorce? Hmmm okay, may be an adjustment period for a child after a divorce but most tend to adapt & are resilient as children are. But 7 years of therapy? Long term therapy like that has probably created way more problems than it's solved. He would have been adapted by now had he not been going somewhere that tells him "something is wrong with you" and now he's believing it and using it to his advantage.
Unless he was already a mentally and emotionally damaged kid before the divorce, I think they've made a mess of him. Now he's learned to manipulate, guilt trip and monopolize his Dad's attention. He's learned of the power he has to scare people off. To get that to change, particularly with "more intense" therapy is unlikely to happen.
Therefore you are doing what you have to do--protecting your children from him. Who knows what he'd do to them. They are younger and helpless and so by whatever means you must, protect them. Your DH may be doing better, but I know that 'Numb' feeling you speak of and it does often mean too little, too late in his own efforts.
Plus he was only part of the problem -that eerie kid of his was the 2nd problem. Until there's some progress in that situation or until he's made to stay with his Mom, I don't see how you can go home. Seems so tragic doesn't it that the management or mismanagement of how Parents handle their kids can completely ruin otherwise great relationships.
i am so sorry for your
i am so sorry for your daughter..i would go nuts if my step son treated my soon to be daughter in my belly like that...unforunately they only do what their parents let them get away with...my step son and husband are very mean to me...and because of my husband my step son is very disrespectful..if you have decided to leave run sister run.......i wish i was at that point but i am having the baby in january and have moved out for thirty days at the moment.....my husband has made some changes to his defense but he will not persue his exwife legally over financial things and i am the bread winner..so needless to say i have alot of resentment...and i cant imagine if my daughter was to be treated that way...i have never touched my step son but i am telling you that may push me over the line...if you are ready to go..GO and dont look back..the whole seperate households may work short term but long term you will resent him for what he has done to you....i just cant stop thinking about your daughter and how i am soon to have a daughter with my husband...if i would have known what i know now i would not have moved here and married my husband..i would still be dating and having a blast...
Take it from someone who's
Take it from someone who's been in this kind of thing for 8 years....don't go back. Things likely will never change. Making the step to move was the hardest, but you did it, now stick to it.
He can still see his daughter, but you have the control of how often and whether SS is there. You've been tough and brave enough to make the first step, now just see it through because before long, it's been 8 years, and your trapped.
Your stepson needs to be in a
Your stepson needs to be in a residential therapeutic placement, a boarding school for troubled teens, with intensive counseling. Can you look into finding one?