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Do we need to have a good relationship with the ex family

crumb's picture

Submitted by crumb on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 9:41am

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Blended Family Issues

I am the SD to my DW's daughter. We have 50/50 joint custody. My DW seems to think that we need to maintain a good relationship with the BD and SM. I think it is a poisonous relationship and my wife doesn't ever want to stand up for herself in fear of putting the relationship at risk. DW wants to be able to be friendly to them at soccer games, school functions, church things, etc. She thinks her DD needs to see that we get along.

Has anybody seen both sides of this? What are your thoughts/experiences?

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 10:20am

Does it make it easier for the child? Then yes, Mom should. You don't have to do anything but stay out of it.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 11:13am

I agree with your wife. I don't understand the "hate vibe" that former lovers and coparents have for each other.

It DOES benefit DD to see everyone getting along.

Not sure why, but it sure seems like you're jealous of the biodad. You suddenly want to rock the boat and make everything ugly.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 11:29am

Even though I hate BM's guts I am aware that the hate I have for her hurts me way more than it hurts her. She doesn't care.

So I am not a proponent of "hate". I rarely think about BM except when I am here.

If for some reason I had to be around her (see no reason for that to ever happen) I would be cordial, civil, polite, etc. There would be no "words", dirty looks, etc. I know how to make polite conversation even with someone I think is a cretin.

But that does not mean that I EVER have to put up with any shit from her. I am not going to be responsible for her worthless son no matter how much she tries to push crap off on me.

I am never going to accost her and tell her what an absolute POS she is. But I am also never going to bow down and kiss her skanky ass. I am not afraid to tell her not only "no" but "fuck no" to some of her outlandish demands. If she gets mad - too bad.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 11:54am

To me, getting along and being civil is different than having a good relationship. A person can be perfectly polite to another person at events and functions without being friends with them.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 3:45pm

Sounds almost too good to be true! So it was a VERY merry Xmas, OD?
Please tell us more. I was wondering how your "whole holiday" went "-)

christineb's picture

Submitted by christineb on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 6:24pm

My DD's dad and I get along wonderfully and I know DD benefits from it. Then again him and I didn't part on bad terms, just knew we weren't working anymore. On the other side of coin we do not get along with my SS's mother. She is a lying irresponsible system sucking &*%&*. However, we do not speak ill of her in front of SS even though he is 15. I think if your DW can make it work then go with it.