I usually do the day before they come for their visit until the day after they leave. It is hard because they are with us 50% of the time. I love their dad very much but somedays (some more than others) I have questioned if he is worth it.
I do not want to go through another divorce but the thought has crossed my mind and we havent even been married a year. Things with the SK's have gotten worse since we married as opposed to when we lived together. I'm hoping its an adujstment period for them.
I do count the days/years till they are 18 and I often hope, pray, and wish that they will decide to live with their BM at 12.
At 12? Why would they get to make this decison at such a young age? I know my SD17 will be here every singe assigned visitation day until she's 18 and even then I know DH will tr to keep it going. Like you I am counting down the days till she is 18 (7 months) and praying she wants to stop sleeping here.
I do at times. Me and dh have only been married 8 months, but i have known sd7 since she was 3 and half. I love her, and she is not a bad kid, but i hate dealing with a bm who thinks she is the only parent and thinks she can control things with dh. my dh doesnt guilty daddy, and doesnt let bm step on him either. So he is doing everything right, its just stupid bm who thinks she has the golden uterus.
90% of the time I do.....It is sad and I may not be the person to ask right now? with one foot out the door... There where/are flags everywhere - when little things happen that you know aren't right but you just let go.
Yeah...I regret it. And, yes, there were red flags all along the way, but I let DH "enable" his kids and made the flags go away.
DH is a GREAT guy. He's my best friend, and he's handy as heck to have around the house. But, I'm seriously starting to make a "Pros and Cons" list in my head about this. We are just fine when his kids aren't around, but throw one of them into the mix, and it's "On, like Donkey Kong"!
I've disengaged completely from them. I can no longer tolerate the disrespect, rudeness, and overall trashiness. I do not need, nor do I want them in my life. To a point, I feel sorry for DH because I KNOW he sees what a mess he's created with both of them. But, it's not too late to put his foot down and show a little "tough love" and straighten them out!
Boy, do I ever! And until now I thought I was 'stuck' here!
I am soooo glad I found this site last week. I have spent the last 9 years lying to my DH when he accuses me of not liking my SS15 because I thought I was supposed to just love him like my own. I always have felt guilty because I don't like him and I felt there was something wrong with me! Well, after reading so many stories similar to mine, I finally see that I don't have to like him. I have decided not to lie to my husband the next time he says something. I am tired of feeling like the low man on the totem pole in my own home. I am constantly being disrespected by my SS and ridiculed about how I treat him by my DH.
I always thought that things would get better, when in fact they have gotten worse. Fortunately, I am starting to grow a set (lol) and I am going to say the things I should've been saying all this time. Life is too short to be a doormat.
It's like you are living my life End_of_my_Rope. I so regreat the decision I have made and after 11 years it does not get any better. I stood up to my wife when first SD turned 18 and her Dad's $200.00 a month child support ended. I told her I am also no longer financially responsible for your daughter. Second time I told her when you get tired of cleaning up after other SD14 you will do something about it, I was done being a butler in this house. Disengaging is/was the only way to go.
Your story very much is my story to.. I am now divorced for 3 months.. my ex wife 's 3 children were coddled, and nerver responsible for anything ( they are all over 18 years old)..I loved my wife very much and had a wonderful relationship with her..But she enabled the step kids.. It eventully blew up , and sadly our marriage ended.. I was made into the scapegoat who did not "love them".. I have seen on this Blended Family forum over an over again the same story..And I realized it is always a parenting issue..That is the root cause .. So Sad.. The natural parent coddles the kids..(no matter what age) and eventually the Step Parent is alienated and blamed .. And they either disengage and ignore the whole situation.. or the whole thing explodes.. After lurking on here for the last year.. Its a "history repeats itself" deal.Over and over and over again... good luck!!
Yes I do--I am new to this forum--please if you would like read my post under new posts --new-please help-- friend me if you would like..
"I do not want to go through another divorce but the thought has crossed my mind and we haven't even been married a year"
i agree with you above--I am going for a separation--but it can never be as bad as the 1st one--I just hope at some point I will learn..based on my life with my DH--my husband (1st) it was better then this..
GF
I am sure everyone probably thinks their situation is the toughest; however as a person happily without Children I think this scenario is very challenging. I would think those that have kids prior are use to some of the typical annoyances and impositions that parenting can present. When you have been in a childfree zone it is very taxing trying to embrace children in your world and combine that with guilt parenting, does not make for an easy pill to swallow. I think often ppl assume because a person is childfree that they do not understand the dynamics of raising a kid (and to some degree that is a true statement) however as someone once said " ppl do not have to become dogs in order to know how to raise one" ! I think people without kids are more sensitive to the bad behavior and poor parenting. Certainly not all parents do a bad job but in this skid scenario I think we can all agree that the bio parents in each of our situations are less than superb.
I agree with you Whateva, I came into my marriage childless and it was difficult to adjust with 2 instant kids and we had them 50% of the time... it was awful sometimes, because they're really active rambunctious 7 and 8 year old. Great kids but it was hard to make the adjustment. I wanted to ask for a break sometimes and BM would often ask him to take extra days and change the schedule. When I asked for a more predictable schedule that was the same week after week, he said it was a good idea... BM was really mad and saying that I was ruining everything bc she was used to him doing whatever she needed from him. So later he told me that I was making things difficult by wanting a predictable schedule It was awful and many times I have mixed feelings about whether I regret marrying him or not. A lot of times I do but I love him a lot.
Hi Lola
Yeah the behavior that your BM exhibit in being Mad because you wanted a more structured schedule is very typical. When ever there is another woman present and they can no longer dictate, it is always always going to be our fault. I am experiencing something rather similar in my world, however I do fault the men as well and not sure if they allow this dictatorship to continue for the sake of keeping the peace or they just need another woman in the picture to shed light on the situation?? I really don't know!
You know what being a childless mom makes it worse..I am 43 he is 60--I know he is too old--I talked about adoption, surrogacy..he has kids 37, 36,25--they have never met me and will not..It hurts our marriage--what is keeping us together--I d not know and cannot say I am happy--I wish I did not marry.
My SS15 was 6 when I married his dad. I had no bk's of my own. I was a little detached from SS at first and I tried to be understanding. It couldn't have been easy for him to have to share dad w/ a new wife. We had our own BS a year after the wedding and I thought it would make me more sympathetic and caring to the SS...Wrong! It just made me see how differently I wanted our BS to be raised. DH wants to be the nice guy all the time and now we're all paying for it. I have told myself in the past that "someday, when my boys are older, I'll leave". Well, I'm getting to the point that I don't know if I can keep it together that long!
There are times yes, I do. We have been together for almost 16 years. We spent about the first 3-4 years of our time together barely seeing his kids because their mom was moving all over the place and would not let him see them. When shit hit the fan for her, we ended up with his son living with us. She couldn't handle him any longer. We had him up to the point I got pregnant with my DD(8) and decided that for the safety of our baby on the way, he needed to go back to his mom. It was a difficult decision at the time, but once he was gone we spend at least a year recovering from a form of PTSD. He was a horrid child. I regret every minute with him.
I love my DH with all my heart though. We are soul mates, and best friends. I can not imagine my life without him most of the time lol. We have just a few more months to endure and she will be out of school and she can do whatever it is she wants from that point on and we are not responsible any longer.
I should have NEVER agreed to have either one of them come to stay with us. My mistake. I could have said no.
Yes, especially early on. I still regret it, but not as often. I think spouses in "entact" families regret marrying, but I would wager that spouses in second or blended marriages have more frequent bouts of regret.
Sometimes I regret it... Mostly when having to deal with ss8 and BM. It's been horrible pretty much from the beginning, DH and I met very shortly after they split, and visitation has always been an issue. So I've had limited time with SS8 which makes it hard to have a relationship with him. BM is crazy and I've wanted to post a rant but I don't even know where to start. I thought things might be different once DH and I had our own children (I didn't have any children and didn't have alot of experience with kids) but I think it has gotten worse because I resent all the drama going on and the time it takes my DH away from our BS. I don't trust SS with my son as I've caught him poking at him and trying to hit him "accidently" with toys (My son is only 3 months old!!!). So when SS is here I am very on edge.
I love my DH dearly and can't imagine life without him. BUT if all of the drama begins to affect my son or any future children I will leave because they deserve the best life they can have.
Nope. Not for a second. I love my SD's as much as I can and I would be miserable without them. I have the opposite problem that most of you have. My DH knows I love his children and would never leave them, so he can be as big of a jerk as he wants and I have to put up with it because otherwise I kiss my girls goodbye. It's not always peachy on this side of the fence either.
Unfortunately, I regret it. I love my DH a lot, but that loves seems to be degraded rapidly by the situation. If I had to do it over I don't think I would have done it. His two kids are great kids, but I came into the situation childless and it was overwhelming for me. I was afraid to say anything so I just tried to bare it. Their visitation schedule was erratic and unstructured, I asked that we have a stable schedule from week to week and the exWife went off and said that I was ruining everything, what she meant was I was ruining how she used to control everything. She didn't want me to be in the car when he went to pick up the kids, and now that they live in Germany she asked why I had to be sitting in on the SKYPE calls. Everytime there was something new and exciting happening in our lives she would call him crying about her life and want to see him. He has only recently found the backbone to put up boundaries needed. Its a horrible situation.
Sadly enough YES. And it makes me kind of a hypocrite because I have BKs myself. I guess the big difference is or was the way we think children should be raised. Don't get me wron my children are NOT perfect and I don't think his children should be perfect either but there comes a point when discipline needs to be brought into the picture. I discipline and he doesn't. My ex is not a psychotic money hungry self absorbed person either. My SO and BM lets their 2 girls just rule the house and they have always done so. There has never been boundaries or rules.
I have not married my SO yet and he is asking me to set a date, however I am very hesitant because these girls have really done me wrong and I feel that there are always excuses for their actions. I am not even sure at this point that my SO and I will even make it because of his children. It hurts me so much because he loves and adores my kids (probably becaus they RESPECT him and they would never say "F YOU" to his face. :jawdrop:
I fear I will regret it when they are teenagers. Or if DH for some reason would get them 50/50 or all the time someday when they are old enough to stay home by themselves. That can't happen now because of DH's work schedule. I can handle it now. EOW. I have already made it known to DH that I will not stay home with his kids just so he can have them more and not pay CS. I'd rather him pay CS and have my privacy and time with DH. Plus with the hours he works they would be around me and barely him so it isn't even worth it for them. And I will not me a maid or a doormat to kids who I did not give birth to. They don't need to be hanging around me anyway. If I had to share my house with them when their dad isn't home I think I would be very unhappy. They are not in my home unless their dad is here. Because I will not take care of them. It isn't my responsibility. I am on edge enough EOW as it is.
tskarbow - I was lucky enough to have my tubes tied before I met H. He's even used that against me in a fight before saying that I wasn't a "real woman." HA!
sky
That is a cruel thing for your H to say. I hate that stigma that just because as a woman you opt not to have kids there is a deficiency of sorts. Everyone isn't baby crazy! and I agree you were a real smart woman!
A "real" woman? LOL Tell him that he does not obviously know what a "real" man is either. If he were, he would not feel the need to put you down all the time.
Butterfly, he's admitted that he quit maturing at about 12 or so.
What he says doesn't bother me near as much as back when I believed that he really KNEW me! Now I know. He THINKS he knows me. He thinks he knows how women are. But he doesn't really KNOW me.
How could he? Any story from my past that involves any male (even if strictly platonic) is cut short by his jealous insecurities.
I gotta add that even though I have BKs of my own, I at one point would have LOVED to have a baby with my SO (down the road) but now after seeing the "spawn" he has created...THANK GOD he had a vasectomy before I met him (at one time there was talk about a reversal) and THANK GOD I also have an IUD. I want to make DOUBLE SURE I can't procreate with him. lol
Yes, i don't think we realise how hard it will be when we first enter a relationship where step children are involved. 100% hardest thing ever and to be honest if i'd know what it would be like i wouldn't have got involved. It's my choice so i have to live with it, but its tough. Every situation is different through, but i would strongly recommend really thinking about if it's worth it!
A lot to think about here... Not a lot to say, when it comes down to it.
Yes, I have my moments.
But I also look at what brings the moments of regret, and it boils down to DW's Disneyland parenting style that keeps cropping up and setting us back. It's something that I look at, and think, "Dang, girl... you're so wonderful and generous. But you're taking out 401(k) loans to pay off your credit cards and blowing through ANY money you get to give your kids Spring Break Caribbean cruises with excursions, season passes to amusement parks, frequent dinners out, lots of sleepovers, and everything they ask for. And when they're gone, we'll be down to my retirement, and whatever sliver will be left of yours because you sold out OUR future to pamper a couple of spoiled, entitled BRATS. You clean up after them, you do EVERYTHING for them, and expect NOTHING of them - and they're giving you squat in return - and giving me even less. I honestly don't know why I continue, because this is just getting worse and worse, and you're doing nothing about it. And in so many ways, I feel TRAPPED in a home with a lady who is a financial mess and keeps making stupid decision after stupid decision, who has two kids who are kept in the dark about their mom's horrible money habits, and these kids simply don't give a hoot in a boot about me because you take credit for everything."
If I had it all to do over again, I'd probably have taken control of the finances - which would certainly have made her split us up. She's a very poor steward (stewardess?) of our fortunes. Ironically, she is a flight attendant - a stewardess - LOL.
Amazing how that rearview mirror lets you see the road behind you without all the pretty scenery that got you to that point.
I do sometimes. We are finally in our own home after ten years together and DH kids are not with us. There are two SDs that I met when they were 12 and 15. Now 23 and 21. I am happier when the kids are not around. The oldest SD doesn't talk to her dad and hasn't for about a year now because we didn't go to a party last year when COVID just started. The youngest SD just moved with BM (they both were with us FT because DH had custody) but YSD comes to our home we just moved into a month ago once a month to work. My DH and I get along fine when the kids are gone but when I know the YSD is coming, I get frustrated and tense. He never really disciplined his kids or put consequences on them and followed through with it. It was because he wanted to be their friend instead of their parent. His kids are so self centered, selfish, self entitled brats and I have to admit that I don't like them. If I could not have them in my home, I would do just that. But my DH has his YSD come to our home and stay when she comes back to work. I know that I shouldn't be selfish like that because I knew he had kids but I thought that life would get better. Well, it took a long time but we still argue about his kids and what brats they are. He doesn't deal with their attitudes and he never has. The YSD is like a miniwife and if she tells him not to talk to her a certain way, he shuts his mouth. It's like having a pansy for a husband when she comes around. It's ridiculous. I actually wish the YSD would disappear and never come back.
I do overall but try and make the best of it. I do tend to not get overly involved anymore. If I could do it over I would not have gotten married to a man with young kids and an unstable ex
Only right before skids arrive, the end of the weekend before they arrive (because I'm realizing that my free time without them is coming to an end), and anytime we have to see DH's family. They are only with us EOWE and our relationship is pretty solid when they are not here, but I do wish they did not exist most of the time...which then makes me feel like a bad person, but I didn't create the dysfunction and can't fix it, so I try to tell myself that my feelings are normal and valid.
But I married the mutant or alien implant of prior relationship breeding blended family equity life partners. Neither she nor I would put up with the shit that so many in blended family marriages tend to put up with. Not from ill behaved kids, not from the shallow and polluted toxic gene pools of an X, not from ILs, and for damned sure not from a spouse, etc.
Standards matter. Set them, enforce them, and much of the shit never has to happen. Those who choose to violate the standards choose the consequences that follow. Deliver the consequences without fail and few will fail to comply with your established standards of behavior and performance.
I usually do the day before
I usually do the day before they come for their visit until the day after they leave. It is hard because they are with us 50% of the time. I love their dad very much but somedays (some more than others) I have questioned if he is worth it.
I do not want to go through another divorce but the thought has crossed my mind and we havent even been married a year. Things with the SK's have gotten worse since we married as opposed to when we lived together. I'm hoping its an adujstment period for them.
I do count the days/years till they are 18 and I often hope, pray, and wish that they will decide to live with their BM at 12.
At 12? Why would they get to
At 12? Why would they get to make this decison at such a young age? I know my SD17 will be here every singe assigned visitation day until she's 18 and even then I know DH will tr to keep it going. Like you I am counting down the days till she is 18 (7 months) and praying she wants to stop sleeping here.
I do at times. Me and dh have
I do at times. Me and dh have only been married 8 months, but i have known sd7 since she was 3 and half. I love her, and she is not a bad kid, but i hate dealing with a bm who thinks she is the only parent and thinks she can control things with dh. my dh doesnt guilty daddy, and doesnt let bm step on him either. So he is doing everything right, its just stupid bm who thinks she has the golden uterus.
90% of the time I do.....It
90% of the time I do.....It is sad and I may not be the person to ask right now? with one foot out the door... There where/are flags everywhere - when little things happen that you know aren't right but you just let go.
Seeing your stories has made
Seeing your stories has made me think about whether I could ever marry myf bf.
Yeah...I regret it. And,
Yeah...I regret it. And, yes, there were red flags all along the way, but I let DH "enable" his kids and made the flags go away.
DH is a GREAT guy. He's my best friend, and he's handy as heck to have around the house. But, I'm seriously starting to make a "Pros and Cons" list in my head about this. We are just fine when his kids aren't around, but throw one of them into the mix, and it's "On, like Donkey Kong"!
I've disengaged completely from them. I can no longer tolerate the disrespect, rudeness, and overall trashiness. I do not need, nor do I want them in my life. To a point, I feel sorry for DH because I KNOW he sees what a mess he's created with both of them. But, it's not too late to put his foot down and show a little "tough love" and straighten them out!
Boy, do I ever! And until now
Boy, do I ever! And until now I thought I was 'stuck' here!
I am soooo glad I found this site last week. I have spent the last 9 years lying to my DH when he accuses me of not liking my SS15 because I thought I was supposed to just love him like my own. I always have felt guilty because I don't like him and I felt there was something wrong with me! Well, after reading so many stories similar to mine, I finally see that I don't have to like him. I have decided not to lie to my husband the next time he says something. I am tired of feeling like the low man on the totem pole in my own home. I am constantly being disrespected by my SS and ridiculed about how I treat him by my DH.
I always thought that things would get better, when in fact they have gotten worse. Fortunately, I am starting to grow a set (lol) and I am going to say the things I should've been saying all this time. Life is too short to be a doormat.
It's like you are living my
It's like you are living my life End_of_my_Rope. I so regreat the decision I have made and after 11 years it does not get any better. I stood up to my wife when first SD turned 18 and her Dad's $200.00 a month child support ended. I told her I am also no longer financially responsible for your daughter. Second time I told her when you get tired of cleaning up after other SD14 you will do something about it, I was done being a butler in this house. Disengaging is/was the only way to go.
Your story very much is my
Your story very much is my story to.. I am now divorced for 3 months.. my ex wife 's 3 children were coddled, and nerver responsible for anything ( they are all over 18 years old)..I loved my wife very much and had a wonderful relationship with her..But she enabled the step kids.. It eventully blew up , and sadly our marriage ended.. I was made into the scapegoat who did not "love them".. I have seen on this Blended Family forum over an over again the same story..And I realized it is always a parenting issue..That is the root cause .. So Sad.. The natural parent coddles the kids..(no matter what age) and eventually the Step Parent is alienated and blamed .. And they either disengage and ignore the whole situation.. or the whole thing explodes.. After lurking on here for the last year.. Its a "history repeats itself" deal.Over and over and over again... good luck!!
LOL - you are too funny!!
LOL - you are too funny!!
What led to the change of
What led to the change of heart?
UH OH - Spunki - that can't
UH OH - Spunki - that can't be good...
Yes I do--I am new to this
Yes I do--I am new to this forum--please if you would like read my post under new posts --new-please help-- friend me if you would like..
"I do not want to go through another divorce but the thought has crossed my mind and we haven't even been married a year"
i agree with you above--I am going for a separation--but it can never be as bad as the 1st one--I just hope at some point I will learn..based on my life with my DH--my husband (1st) it was better then this..
Have any of you taken steps
Have any of you taken steps to leave and how many of you came into the marriages with children of your own?
Does being a childless step-mom make it harder?
GF I am sure everyone
GF
I am sure everyone probably thinks their situation is the toughest; however as a person happily without Children I think this scenario is very challenging. I would think those that have kids prior are use to some of the typical annoyances and impositions that parenting can present. When you have been in a childfree zone it is very taxing trying to embrace children in your world and combine that with guilt parenting, does not make for an easy pill to swallow. I think often ppl assume because a person is childfree that they do not understand the dynamics of raising a kid (and to some degree that is a true statement) however as someone once said " ppl do not have to become dogs in order to know how to raise one" ! I think people without kids are more sensitive to the bad behavior and poor parenting. Certainly not all parents do a bad job but in this skid scenario I think we can all agree that the bio parents in each of our situations are less than superb.
Whateva
I agree with you Whateva, I
I agree with you Whateva, I came into my marriage childless and it was difficult to adjust with 2 instant kids and we had them 50% of the time... it was awful sometimes, because they're really active rambunctious 7 and 8 year old. Great kids but it was hard to make the adjustment. I wanted to ask for a break sometimes and BM would often ask him to take extra days and change the schedule. When I asked for a more predictable schedule that was the same week after week, he said it was a good idea... BM was really mad and saying that I was ruining everything bc she was used to him doing whatever she needed from him. So later he told me that I was making things difficult by wanting a predictable schedule
It was awful and many times I have mixed feelings about whether I regret marrying him or not. A lot of times I do but I love him a lot.
Hi Lola Yeah the behavior
Hi Lola
Yeah the behavior that your BM exhibit in being Mad because you wanted a more structured schedule is very typical. When ever there is another woman present and they can no longer dictate, it is always always going to be our fault. I am experiencing something rather similar in my world, however I do fault the men as well and not sure if they allow this dictatorship to continue for the sake of keeping the peace or they just need another woman in the picture to shed light on the situation?? I really don't know!
You know what being a
You know what being a childless mom makes it worse..I am 43 he is 60--I know he is too old--I talked about adoption, surrogacy..he has kids 37, 36,25--they have never met me and will not..It hurts our marriage--what is keeping us together--I d not know and cannot say I am happy--I wish I did not marry.
Yeah, its definitely much
Yeah, its definitely much harder....
My SS15 was 6 when I married
My SS15 was 6 when I married his dad. I had no bk's of my own. I was a little detached from SS at first and I tried to be understanding. It couldn't have been easy for him to have to share dad w/ a new wife. We had our own BS a year after the wedding and I thought it would make me more sympathetic and caring to the SS...Wrong! It just made me see how differently I wanted our BS to be raised. DH wants to be the nice guy all the time and now we're all paying for it. I have told myself in the past that "someday, when my boys are older, I'll leave". Well, I'm getting to the point that I don't know if I can keep it together that long!
There are times yes, I do. We
There are times yes, I do. We have been together for almost 16 years. We spent about the first 3-4 years of our time together barely seeing his kids because their mom was moving all over the place and would not let him see them. When shit hit the fan for her, we ended up with his son living with us. She couldn't handle him any longer. We had him up to the point I got pregnant with my DD(8) and decided that for the safety of our baby on the way, he needed to go back to his mom. It was a difficult decision at the time, but once he was gone we spend at least a year recovering from a form of PTSD. He was a horrid child. I regret every minute with him.
I love my DH with all my heart though. We are soul mates, and best friends. I can not imagine my life without him most of the time lol. We have just a few more months to endure and she will be out of school and she can do whatever it is she wants from that point on and we are not responsible any longer.
I should have NEVER agreed to have either one of them come to stay with us. My mistake. I could have said no.
I did for a long time..Not
I did for a long time..Not the kids but their mom and sometimes their dad...We worked through them all...Compromise is my best friend.
Yes, especially early on. I
Yes, especially early on. I still regret it, but not as often. I think spouses in "entact" families regret marrying, but I would wager that spouses in second or blended marriages have more frequent bouts of regret.
EVERY OTHER
EVERY OTHER WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
whateva
Sometimes I regret it...
Sometimes I regret it... Mostly when having to deal with ss8 and BM. It's been horrible pretty much from the beginning, DH and I met very shortly after they split, and visitation has always been an issue. So I've had limited time with SS8 which makes it hard to have a relationship with him. BM is crazy and I've wanted to post a rant but I don't even know where to start. I thought things might be different once DH and I had our own children (I didn't have any children and didn't have alot of experience with kids) but I think it has gotten worse because I resent all the drama going on and the time it takes my DH away from our BS. I don't trust SS with my son as I've caught him poking at him and trying to hit him "accidently" with toys (My son is only 3 months old!!!). So when SS is here I am very on edge.
I love my DH dearly and can't imagine life without him. BUT if all of the drama begins to affect my son or any future children I will leave because they deserve the best life they can have.
Only when I laugh, only when
Only when I laugh, only when I cry, only on days that end in Y!
Nope. Not for a second. I
Nope. Not for a second. I love my SD's as much as I can and I would be miserable without them. I have the opposite problem that most of you have. My DH knows I love his children and would never leave them, so he can be as big of a jerk as he wants and I have to put up with it because otherwise I kiss my girls goodbye. It's not always peachy on this side of the fence either.
Unfortunately, I regret it. I
Unfortunately, I regret it. I love my DH a lot, but that loves seems to be degraded rapidly by the situation. If I had to do it over I don't think I would have done it. His two kids are great kids, but I came into the situation childless and it was overwhelming for me. I was afraid to say anything so I just tried to bare it. Their visitation schedule was erratic and unstructured, I asked that we have a stable schedule from week to week and the exWife went off and said that I was ruining everything, what she meant was I was ruining how she used to control everything. She didn't want me to be in the car when he went to pick up the kids, and now that they live in Germany she asked why I had to be sitting in on the SKYPE calls. Everytime there was something new and exciting happening in our lives she would call him crying about her life and want to see him. He has only recently found the backbone to put up boundaries needed. Its a horrible situation.
Sadly enough YES. And it
Sadly enough YES. And it makes me kind of a hypocrite because I have BKs myself. I guess the big difference is or was the way we think children should be raised. Don't get me wron my children are NOT perfect and I don't think his children should be perfect either but there comes a point when discipline needs to be brought into the picture. I discipline and he doesn't. My ex is not a psychotic money hungry self absorbed person either. My SO and BM lets their 2 girls just rule the house and they have always done so. There has never been boundaries or rules.
I have not married my SO yet and he is asking me to set a date, however I am very hesitant because these girls have really done me wrong and I feel that there are always excuses for their actions. I am not even sure at this point that my SO and I will even make it because of his children. It hurts me so much because he loves and adores my kids (probably becaus they RESPECT him and they would never say "F YOU" to his face. :jawdrop:
Please don't set a date
Please don't set a date unless you are certain you can live with those kids the way they are, because it won't get better.
I fear I will regret it when
I fear I will regret it when they are teenagers. Or if DH for some reason would get them 50/50 or all the time someday when they are old enough to stay home by themselves. That can't happen now because of DH's work schedule. I can handle it now. EOW. I have already made it known to DH that I will not stay home with his kids just so he can have them more and not pay CS. I'd rather him pay CS and have my privacy and time with DH. Plus with the hours he works they would be around me and barely him so it isn't even worth it for them. And I will not me a maid or a doormat to kids who I did not give birth to. They don't need to be hanging around me anyway. If I had to share my house with them when their dad isn't home I think I would be very unhappy. They are not in my home unless their dad is here. Because I will not take care of them. It isn't my responsibility. I am on edge enough EOW as it is.
tskarbow - I was lucky enough
tskarbow - I was lucky enough to have my tubes tied before I met H. He's even used that against me in a fight before saying that I wasn't a "real woman." HA!
A real SMART woman!
sky That is a cruel thing for
sky
That is a cruel thing for your H to say. I hate that stigma that just because as a woman you opt not to have kids there is a deficiency of sorts. Everyone isn't baby crazy! and I agree you were a real smart woman!
Oh, I have a son. Just not
Oh, I have a son. Just not HIS son. I guess that was an issue, even though I told him I wasn't having more kids!
@ Sky- A "real" woman? LOL
@ Sky-
A "real" woman? LOL Tell him that he does not obviously know what a "real" man is either. If he were, he would not feel the need to put you down all the time.
Butterfly, he's admitted that
Butterfly, he's admitted that he quit maturing at about 12 or so.
What he says doesn't bother me near as much as back when I believed that he really KNEW me! Now I know. He THINKS he knows me. He thinks he knows how women are. But he doesn't really KNOW me.
How could he? Any story from my past that involves any male (even if strictly platonic) is cut short by his jealous insecurities.
I gotta add that even though
I gotta add that even though I have BKs of my own, I at one point would have LOVED to have a baby with my SO (down the road) but now after seeing the "spawn" he has created...THANK GOD he had a vasectomy before I met him (at one time there was talk about a reversal) and THANK GOD I also have an IUD. I want to make DOUBLE SURE I can't procreate with him. lol
Yes, i don't think we realise
Yes, i don't think we realise how hard it will be when we first enter a relationship where step children are involved. 100% hardest thing ever and to be honest if i'd know what it would be like i wouldn't have got involved. It's my choice so i have to live with it, but its tough. Every situation is different through, but i would strongly recommend really thinking about if it's worth it!
A lot to think about here...
A lot to think about here... Not a lot to say, when it comes down to it.
Yes, I have my moments.
But I also look at what brings the moments of regret, and it boils down to DW's Disneyland parenting style that keeps cropping up and setting us back. It's something that I look at, and think, "Dang, girl... you're so wonderful and generous. But you're taking out 401(k) loans to pay off your credit cards and blowing through ANY money you get to give your kids Spring Break Caribbean cruises with excursions, season passes to amusement parks, frequent dinners out, lots of sleepovers, and everything they ask for. And when they're gone, we'll be down to my retirement, and whatever sliver will be left of yours because you sold out OUR future to pamper a couple of spoiled, entitled BRATS. You clean up after them, you do EVERYTHING for them, and expect NOTHING of them - and they're giving you squat in return - and giving me even less. I honestly don't know why I continue, because this is just getting worse and worse, and you're doing nothing about it. And in so many ways, I feel TRAPPED in a home with a lady who is a financial mess and keeps making stupid decision after stupid decision, who has two kids who are kept in the dark about their mom's horrible money habits, and these kids simply don't give a hoot in a boot about me because you take credit for everything."
If I had it all to do over again, I'd probably have taken control of the finances - which would certainly have made her split us up. She's a very poor steward (stewardess?) of our fortunes. Ironically, she is a flight attendant - a stewardess - LOL.
Amazing how that rearview mirror lets you see the road behind you without all the pretty scenery that got you to that point.
Yes, Yes, and Yes
I do sometimes. We are finally in our own home after ten years together and DH kids are not with us. There are two SDs that I met when they were 12 and 15. Now 23 and 21. I am happier when the kids are not around. The oldest SD doesn't talk to her dad and hasn't for about a year now because we didn't go to a party last year when COVID just started. The youngest SD just moved with BM (they both were with us FT because DH had custody) but YSD comes to our home we just moved into a month ago once a month to work. My DH and I get along fine when the kids are gone but when I know the YSD is coming, I get frustrated and tense. He never really disciplined his kids or put consequences on them and followed through with it. It was because he wanted to be their friend instead of their parent. His kids are so self centered, selfish, self entitled brats and I have to admit that I don't like them. If I could not have them in my home, I would do just that. But my DH has his YSD come to our home and stay when she comes back to work. I know that I shouldn't be selfish like that because I knew he had kids but I thought that life would get better. Well, it took a long time but we still argue about his kids and what brats they are. He doesn't deal with their attitudes and he never has. The YSD is like a miniwife and if she tells him not to talk to her a certain way, he shuts his mouth. It's like having a pansy for a husband when she comes around. It's ridiculous. I actually wish the YSD would disappear and never come back.
I do
I do overall but try and make the best of it. I do tend to not get overly involved anymore. If I could do it over I would not have gotten married to a man with young kids and an unstable ex
Only right before skids
Only right before skids arrive, the end of the weekend before they arrive (because I'm realizing that my free time without them is coming to an end), and anytime we have to see DH's family. They are only with us EOWE and our relationship is pretty solid when they are not here, but I do wish they did not exist most of the time...which then makes me feel like a bad person, but I didn't create the dysfunction and can't fix it, so I try to tell myself that my feelings are normal and valid.
Nope, no regrets at all.
But I married the mutant or alien implant of prior relationship breeding blended family equity life partners. Neither she nor I would put up with the shit that so many in blended family marriages tend to put up with. Not from ill behaved kids, not from the shallow and polluted toxic gene pools of an X, not from ILs, and for damned sure not from a spouse, etc.
Standards matter. Set them, enforce them, and much of the shit never has to happen. Those who choose to violate the standards choose the consequences that follow. Deliver the consequences without fail and few will fail to comply with your established standards of behavior and performance.
Every day
Every day of being ignored, being the outsider and still paying the bills.