So relieved to find a place like this. I have found reading very comforting but have not seen a topic entirely similar to my situation. Firstly, a little backup information (sorry for not using all of your abbreviations....). I have lived with my partner for just under a year. We have a wonderful, supportive and honest relationship. He has two sons aged 8 and 4 who visit him a couple of times a week and sleep over at least one night per week.

I first met my partner’s sons a year ago and immediately hit it off. I do not have children of my own and prior to this had absolutely no experience with kids or desire to have them, so naturally I was nervous about how things would work out, especially when it came to living together. I could not have asked for any better, the way the boys have accepted me has been great and they always have fun in our company.

I have always had a better bond/connection with the eldest. Over time, he has become more and more clingy. Sitting pressed up against me, playing with my hair, tapping my arm to tell me something, vying for my attention – all of which is constant. He is a very affectionate and sensitive boy, I humour this but it can at times feel quite suffocating. My partner has acknowledged this saying he only gets to see me properly when they go to bed, because the eldest “takes over”. When I go to sit down beside my partner (a rare opportunity when the boys are around), it is no more than a minute before his son is forcing himself in between us. I told myself to enjoy this while it lasts and appreciate how easy I have it. Considering I may only see them for a few hours at a time I felt I did not have the right to complain about this and should just get used to it.

My problem is he has begun pushing the boundaries of this physical affection over the last few weeks. We would have the routine of before bedtime or before they leave to go back to their mum’s house we would kiss and hug; this is what they have always done with their dad and once I was comfortably part of the ‘family’ we did the same. The last few times I have had to pull away from the kiss (which would only be a quick peck on the lips) as he is pressing up against me and doesn’t stop. Not wanting to embarrass him and thinking he was just being playful and boisterous I would say something like ‘okay okay that’s enough’, ‘easy tiger’ etc. The same thing happened again last night, but afterwards he kept pleading for another kiss before he left. After gently declining a few times, I gave in. This time he slipped his tongue into my mouth, and bounced off quickly to the car. I was shocked and called for him to come back over. I said very seriously, that he was not to do that again. His father did not see this happen, but he knew something was wrong from my totally shaken reaction.

He later told me that my reaction had shocked or scared his son. I said I did not want to upset him, but I am tired of simply laughing things off and I had to let him know in no uncertain terms that he was not to do that. Also, it was my split second reaction and I could not help it. It was not the first time I have felt a bit uncomfortable but I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back; I feel bad saying it but honestly I was disgusted. He has slapped my bum on a few occasions, but this is not his fault because he was copying his dad and just trying to be funny. He started doing this repeatedly, and had to be stopped. He would stroke his hand along my bum if he is passing me in the kitchen, and actually grabbed and started shaking it, something we have also managed to stop after my protests. My partner shrugged it off jokingly saying he “couldn’t blame him”.

In the mornings after they sleep over, I have started discreetly setting my alarm so that I can get up before they both come in and climb into the bed with us as I no longer want the eldest lying up against me. I cross my arms over my chest so he can't feel that part of me. I know before I ask, that my partner will never tell them to stop coming into the bed (they only do this to waken us). I know it will be unfair on the youngest and they both have to have the same treatment, but at what age does this start being inappropriate? Even when we are about to get breakfast, the eldest begs me to come back to bed with him, alone, to cuddle; I always decline by distracting him with another topic.

My partner and I would not be overly physically affectionate in front of them and they have never seen us be intimate. I dread the thought of him developing romantic feelings and being sexually curious and I desperately want to create some distance now without hurting his feelings because I am scared of where it is going. Should I leave it to my partner to have words with his son or should I have a casual chat with him myself? I do not want to upset his mother if she hears it second hand, or have her think I’m trying to step in on disciplining her children.

Last night I was having pretty resentful feelings towards him because everything had been so perfect up to this point and I do not want him to ruin things with his behavior. My partner blames it on films and television, says “he’s only 8” and he doesn’t realize what he's doing, but I do not agree with this when there have been so many other incidents. I don't want to get the boys out of the bath and dry them off because the eldest gets an erection.

Is this common or should I be more concerned for the long term? What should I say to him that will make him understand the boundaries of our relationship? If I have my own children I feel like I'll come up against some serious jealousy issues, but I'm so tired of him at this point I'm starting to not want to bring any more kids into the equation.

Thanks in advance for your advice and help, and taking the time to read all this....