Feeling overwhelmed
This is a vent/rant because I have no one in real life to talk to and can't afford counselling. Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.
Our family has been blended for a little over a year. I have 3 bios and one sd.
There's been the expected dramas with bioparents. There's been nonstop drama with the other BM. Lawyers and police have been involved but it feels like there's nothing to protect our family from the endless assault from the other BM. It's messing with sd so it's messing with our family in general. BM has done everything she can to try to ruin our careers, destroy our reputations, and break us up. It's been so bad that a few times I've wondered if our relationship is worth it.
My partner is very busy with work so I have to step up as another parent figure to sd even though I've been under constant attack from BM. BM is constantly in sd's ear about how to treat me. Sd and I used to get on so well but BM has put an end to that. I can't disengage from sd because her dad's usually not available.
My partner and I have different parenting styles. I think it mostly stems from you can be more relaxed when you only have one kid.
My partner has double standards when it comes to the kids behaviour. He'll grump at mine for something but when his does the exact same thing he let's it slide and even gives her kisses and cuddles. Sd is smart and she's learnt that she can play dad like fiddle. So she'll intentionally misbehave knowing daddy will save her from any consequences. She used to being pandered to and spoilt. She's got the helpless cutsie act down pat and if that fails there's alway the dramatic tantrum to fall back on, knowing daddy will step in to do whatever it takes to make her happy again. She rarely has tantrums when dad's not around and they're much shorter and less dramatic.
She actually has behaves differently depending on if her dad is around or not. When he's not around she'll be rude, mean, disrespectful, even hostile, and break every single rule while checking to make sure I'm watching. When dad's around she'll be all cutsie and helpless, and make a show of being kind, helpful, affectionate, and respectful. Sometimes I kind of want to put hidden cameras around the house to show him the dichotomy.
Don't get me wrong, she's improved dramatically since our family blended. I know it's not her fault she was raised the way she was. It's not her fault her mum is psycho and constantly dripping poison in her ear. I know sd is resentful because I do the motherly things she wishes BM would do. But everyday she's with us I feel like I'm walking a tightrope or on eggshells. I'm not her mum but need to be a mother figure to her. I try to treat her exactly as my own while taking into account that she's not my own and she's had a different upbringing. I try to remember it can't be easy for her bouncing between two household with extremely different rules, boundaries, and parenting styles. I try to keep everything fair. I try to keep everything in our home consistent and predictable because I can see how it makes her feel safe and secure (she never knows what to expect at BM's house or from BM). But sometimes I feel like an intruder in my own home when she's around. Sometimes when she gets really bad (because of what BM has been telling her) I dread her time with us.
All in all I'm overwhelmed with life in general; the constant assault from BM, work, covid-19, running a household, and raising a blended family. It all feels like a tsunami, it just keeps coming with no end in sight. I've struggle with depression in the past and I can feel it starting to rear it's ugly head. I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat, but every day it's getting harder to do.
Welcome to the site!
It seems that your partner is at best ineffectual when it comes to enforcing rules and boundaries and you shouldn't be expected to look after SD because he is at work. I'm assuming you and he are not custodial of SD - but even if you were - he should make arrangements to look after his own daughter or get a babysitter, not expect you to pick up the slack. Visitation time is for HIM to spend time with his child. It would help to know what ages all the kids are?
You say you've been under constant attack from BM. Don't allow her any access to you personally, whatsoever. Don't engage with her at all, don't give her your phone number (if you already have, block her or change your number and/or email). Your partner should handle all communications with her, which should be limited to necessary practical matters regarding SD. You and your partner need to sit down together and hammer out an agreement regarding enforcing the same rules for ALL the kids that spend time in your household. It doesn't matter if BM is chaotic, or what she does in her own house - you need structure in your household and the SD will accept it if you both enforce consistently.
Bio kids are 14, 10, and 8.
Bio kids are 14, 10, and 8. Sd is 7.
We used to have sd 90% of the time, now it's roughly 50/50 custody. It's supposed to be week about but BM likes to mess with that. The latest roster she sent had handover happening every 2-3 days. We said no way.
I've blocked BM on my phone and social media. I avoid her like the plague she is. She still texts and calls my partner constantly. I'm trying to convince him to use our family wizard for all communication with BM. She flips out if she can't ring or face time sd every day and accuses us of withholding her daughter from her, and threatens to get police and lawyers involved again.
BM sounds an utter nightmare
BM sounds an utter nightmare - but not a lot different to the NPD BM in my life and the ones a lot of folk here are dealing with. Family wizard is a good idea - push hard for this. If BM flips out - your DH just needs to ignore ignore ignore and if necessary turn his phone off for a few hours.
BM targeting me was my line
BM targeting me was my line in the sand - if my DH had been ineffectual at stopping her intrusions into our home, or had allowed her to target me directly, I'd have been gone.
Fortunately, she did not target me directly, and he was very good at standing up to her and addressing her behavior. This is really on your partner to make you feel safe when it comes to HIS ex. If he can't/won't, I'd strongly consider whether you can stay. IMO, no man is worth that.
Time to disengage. If she's
Time to disengage. If she's being rude and disrespectful, send her to her room and let dad handle her when he gets home. No more running yourself ragged to ensure everything is "fair." Stop doing all of the WORK as her parent in that house without any of the perks or authority. It will take time and practice, but it will work to restore your sanity.
I'm so sorry :(
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that you've been going through this and are feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are juggling many balls at once, to say the least. And with all that you experienced with BM...it reminds me of the phrase "hurt people, hurt people." She must be in some serious depths of despair to go to the lengths that she has gone to negatively impact your life. Despite it all, you still strive to create a predictable, secure environment for your SD - hats off to you.
If I feel overwhelmed or sad, I try to do something for myself when I have time (usually on a weekend), and this can help improve how I feel to some extent and helps me feel more refreshed. Maybe schedule some time just for you YOU, where you can do something - anything - that can help take your mind off things? Maybe this could help some? Hang in there!!
Time to bring the facts with all of them.
Time to take the facts based approach with SD, DH and BM.
SD: "Have I ever treated you like your BM says or have I ever said the things she lies about that I do? No, and you know it. So, use your head, don't let your mom ruin your life here in this family and if you have any questions, ask me or your dad and we will tell you the truth. We will not lie to you like your BM does." Lather, rinse, repeat.
DH: " You ignore your own daughter's behavior while confronting my kids. Your double standard for parenting will end now. You will require the same behaviors from your daughter adjusted to be age appropriate that you require from my children. If you fail to do this, I will parent your daughter and neither of you will like it much." Lather, rinse, repeat.
BM: Tolerate no crap from her. Make sure SD has every fact that counters any crap from BM, in an age appropriate manner. As SD grows up, she gets more and more factual information regarding her toxic mother. Nail BM's ass in court for every lie she tells, every time she files false reports with the police or CPS, and make sure she understands that you will make it your goal in life to destroy her if she does not knock her crap off. Her attempts to destroy your career and DH's career should have nudge $ law suits associated with that behavior and those suits should smack her in the face aggressively and regularly when she pulls her shit. Lather, rinse, repeat. Remember, family law courts are not the only legal option available to confront toxic blended family opposition crap. Going for her throat in civil court with a targeted law suit can be done in a court different from where any Custody/Visitation/Support order was issued.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. It's great to get an outside opinion and fresh perspective.
My partner and I had a long chat after the kids went to bed. He's a good listener and I could see he was taking it seriously. He's currently tidying up the kitchen and thinking things over. He feels bad he hasn't stepped up more (with SD) before now. He's going to work on eliminating the double standards. He said he thinks it stems from a mix of guilt parenting SD and overcompensating because he felt like I was being harsh on SD sometimes. I pointed out some of the ways SD manipulates him and he can see it's true. He asked for advise (I've worked in a range of childcare settings including looking after CYPS children). He asked what changes I'd like to see in general.
So now to wait and see how it all goes.
Excuse me if I missed it, but
Excuse me if I missed it, but are you working from home?
We own a business, so I
We own a business, so I mostly work from home, he works outside the home most of the day and most evenings he's working in the home office. We're in the process of hiring a manager to take over some of his workload so he has more family time.
How can he expect you to work
How can he expect you to work from home and take care of 4 kids at the same time? That's just ridiculous. It's hardly surprising that you're overwhelmed. I think that hidden cameras might not be a bad idea just in case your DH relapses ... It might also be a good idea for him to go to court to get a proper custody order that sets visitation in stone which would effectively take away bm's power.