Fiancee treating one of my bio-sons badly
Been living as a blended family since August of last year. fiancee has his son, ss8, and I have my 2 bio sons 9 and 6. So, they are all around the same age. SS8 as many of you know already, is autistic. Makes him markedly different from my 2 sons, even though he is high-functioning. I attribute part of his behavior toward my oldest son to the fact that he's spent most of his life raising a non-typical child that he doesn't know how to handle a neuro-typical (normal) one.
Last night, my bio son 9 came in the house crying that his bike front end was twisted and that the chain kept popping off and could we go to the bike store up the street and get it fixed. Fiancee starts chiming in about how 'you don't take care of your shit, you aint gettin shit for that bike', etc. um, hello...my son was talking to ME not to YOU....there was more of this back and forth between him and my son, causing my son to cry even more. Fiancee even threatened to throw his bike out onto the highway for the trashmen and he'd have no bike at all anymore. I finally started SCREAMING at fiancee to shut the hell up, that he would NEVER do any such thing with my son's shit and that he needed to stay the hell out of it. Fiancee went up to bed I guess rather than stay downstairs and fight with me about it. Anyway, this is just ONE example of his treatment toward my oldest son. before you ask, YES, I have made him aware of the fact that he does not treat bio9 the same as he treats the other 2. He treats my bio6 fine.
Could it be that my bio9, the totally typical average american boy, is something that he knows his son won't ever be....and he resents my son for it?
Looking for some answers, because I will NOT allow my son to continue to be treated like this by fiancee....
Pack your stuff, take your
Pack your stuff, take your kids and leave.
No child should have to live with an adult who mistreats them.
to all who replied: fiancee
to all who replied: fiancee is really a very gentle guy. I've been in an abusive relationship and this is WAY far from that. He would never lay a hand on my kids or me, I know that for sure. But, yes, he does lilyflowers1981, he does baby his own kid. I truly believe he is ENVIOUS of my 9yr old's 'typical boyness' and that his son will never be able to do and be a typical kid so he takes it out on my son. I think the more he admits to his son's disabilities and limitations, the more and more it pains him. But, that's no excuse, and it's behavior I won't put up with. Fiancee knows this. I never let it slide, EVERY time I see him treating my son in a way that just bothers me even just a little, I speak up. there are times he has apologized to me and to my son, I guess after hearing it from me, he realizes he's doing it and immediately stops.
Dledden- I am sorry to say
Dledden-
I am sorry to say this but if you go forward with this marriage knowing this could continue then sadly you will be responsible too--you know there is a problem with verbal abuse. Even if fiance does say he is sorry it could happen again and again. It does not sound like your fiance will change without major intervention. Reasons about why he does it don't matter as you say. I would delay this marriage.
If it was just you and fiance then you could possibly overlook his temper but this behavior is directed towards your son and that is not acceptable! Your fiance needs anger management-he is taking his frustrations out on your son-an easy target.
Why he does it doesn't
Why he does it doesn't matter. What matters is that it continues.
He mistreats your son. You get on his ass about it. He says sorry, but it happens again. Wash, rinse and repeat.
Nothing changes. This will crush your son and you are allowing it to happen.
My son goes to counseling and
My son goes to counseling and I think I need to send fiancee and my son into a few sessions together, along with me, so we can work on this. I believe it can be fixed. I know it can, because I have fixed many behaviors of my own through hard work and perseverance.
I think you should have a
I think you should have a serious talk with your fiancé and if he doesn't change I would leave. Definitely do not get married until he changes. There is no excuse for that behavior from a grown man.
Diedden, The definition of
Diedden,
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
At least you recognize that what you are doing isn't working by admitting that counseling is needed. However, from what you've described in your posts is that you have only enabled this behavior up to now. There is no way that it should be expected to improve over time as the kids get older. In fact, just the opposite will occur. Your fiancé will become more resentful and the boys will, too. Throw in regular teenage attitudes in a few years and you will have an uncontrollable mess on your hands.
You need to do more than just confront your fiancé about this intolerable behavior. Extracting yourself and your two sons from the situation will send him a message that you will under no uncertain terms accept you or your sons to be treated in such a disrespectful way. That message will show him that you mean business and he will have two choices...change or move on with his life without you. You deserve it, your sons deserve it, and your fiancé and his son deserves it.
I treated my oldest two step-children disrespectfully early on in my marriage. My wife called me on it and I was forced to change to save our marriage or lose her, the kids and our marriage. I chose to change...but it was not an overnight change. Emotional wounds had to heal and my behavior had to change to the point of them trusting that I had their best interests at heart.
Good luck.
ripley, i completely agree
ripley, i completely agree with you, it's between he and I for sure. I think the issue with the bike is the fact that my son tends to leave his stuff out in the backyard smack dab in the middle of the walkway, so fiancee has to move it every morning when he goes to work, or walk around it, step on it, etc. You can tell by my backyard that a load of boys lives here. There are balls, bats, bike, scooters, etc. all over the place, all belonging to my kids because his kid doesn't play with sport toys very often. fiancee's a little on the OCD side, and tends to like things in better 'order'. i say, they are kids and who the hell cares what the backyard looks like. and again, his son is sooooooo very different from mine that i think he's still getting used to living with typical boys.