Hi. This is my first post but I stumbled across this site about six months ago and I've been lurking ever since. But now things have come to the crunch and I'm putting my story out there and asking for advice please.

I've posted this in Blended Family because basically that's where my issue lies.

My brief story: I met my OH nearly two years ago. He has one BD who he has flexible shared care with and I have two BSs who I have 50/50 shared care with their dad. We both are friendly with our exes, although we've all had our normal ups and downs. My OH has never been married and he split with his BD's mum when she was 6 months old.

OH is an amazing father and an equally amazing and considerate and loving man. My ex is also a wonderful father. Both ex and OH have met and even shared a beer at my son's last birthday party.

So I bet you're thinking it all sounds wonderful, right? Well no! We introduced our respective kids to each other at about the 4 month mark. We knew by them our relationship was rock solid and we were in it for the long run. They all got along great initially, especially the two younger ones, but it all turned to shit after a few months, I think when familiarity set in and they all stopped showing their "best behaviour".

SD (it's easier to refer to her as this although we've never lived together as a family) has quite a strong and stubborn personality. My youngest BS (they are the same age) is the opposite. He is quiet and easily led. She has been the ringleader of many incidents that have caused me concern, like running off with my BS in crowded public places and ganging up on my eldest BS. I'm not blaming all the bad behaviour on her but my BS9 has developmental and medical problems (nothing behavioural, just due to premmie birth) and she is 99% the instigator of trouble. She clashes with BS11 like there's no tomorrow. She's done awful things to him in the past where he's taken it till he can't any more and then the fighting starts.

OH and I were looking into moving in together at about the six month mark but after some really abysmal trial sleepovers I put my foot down and basically said "not over my dead body". She is a VERY early riser and would proceed to wake the rest of the house up. She would be generally rude, loud and obnoxious. Sleepovers always happened at my house because OH lives in a tiny apartment. I started to resent these sleepovers. I hated her coming into my bedroom in the morning for cuddles with her dad, in my bed, and farting and stinking up my room, thinking it was hilarious. There's a lot more stories I could add but I think you've got the general gist.

It all comes down to personality clashes, maybe some jealousy, which I acknowledge, and a VERY different upbringing from my kids. Our first dinner together she chewed with her mouth open and burped like a truckie. Even my BD (9 at the time) was disgusted. My OH told her off so she doesn't get away with it. He had told me many times he's so grateful I've come into their lives and been a good influence on her. I feel exactly the opposite, she's been a bad influence on my youngest BS.

Anyway, over time I know I've been disengaging from her (I learned that word from here but did this on my own!) and after some particularly bad behaviour on her part one weekend I spent with her and OH while my boys were with their dad, I decided enough's enough and decided only to see OH when he was child free. This worked out great for a while but OH had a change of job with whacky rosters which meant I saw him less and less. He wanted me to see him when he had SD just so we were able to see each other, otherwise weeks could go by. I found myself making excuses not to come over. So I guess I didn't want to see him enough that I had to also see his daughter too.

Roll on another six months and things have come to the crunch. I've found myself having major doubts about where our relationship is heading and our future, since we can't be a blended family. I am starting to resent her for us not being able to be together. I know I can suck it up if I want to see him when he's got her, but I really don't want to. I can't stand being around her and I seeth in her presence. I think I do a pretty good job at faking liking her because OH tells me how much she loves me. Ugh.

About a month ago I thought I just couldn't do this any more and asked my OH for time to think, just a week. I needed to know how I truly felt about him and sort out whether I could get past this. OH was devastated. He said he knew it was coming, felt rejected and unloved of late and that I'd changed. I admitted all my faults and why, but danced around the issue of not liking his daughter. I just couldn't do that to him. Anyway, after a week I hadn't found that clarity, nor received the great lightning bolt from above telling me what to do. While I had a lovely week on my own, painting my nails and enjoying my own company, OH was in a world of pain, thinking it was all over. He thought we were breaking up, I just needed space to think.

Then one day short of a week he wanted to talk, said he couldn't be left in limbo any longer. I caved and said I loved him (which I 100% do) and I'd make more of an effort. I really didn't want to end it and thought I just needed to put on my big girl panties and stop being so selfish. All was good and we stayed that night together - no kids. A day later he invited me to stay while his BD was there. I declined. The next night I made another excuse when he invited me again. And I realised that I wasn't trying at all nor making any effort to step up. OH called me out on it and we've had lots of in depth talks, texts and emails since then about where to go from here. He wants the honeymoon back, as do I, but I have major doubts about investing any more of my emotions, love and life into a relationship that can't go beyond us "just" dating. I am 45 now and I want to make a life with a partner, not have separate houses and see each other whenever we can grab child free time. I know it sounds like I want my cake and eat it too!

This guy truly is the love of my life. He is the kindest, most respectful man I've ever met and the thought of ending it just kills me. But I don't want to hurt him any more by withdrawing from him because of resentment towards and general dislike of his daughter. I know if roles were reversed and he didn't like my sons I would be out of there in a flash.

So I'm struggling big time. I can't imagine not having him in my life but when the doubts creep in, my wall goes up and I treat him badly. I don't do anything particularly nasty but I know I withdraw and that hurts him. I make excuses not to see him and I pull away.

I've been completely honest about all of this with him, by the way. He thinks we just need to reconnect and I need to try harder. He wants the sexy texts back and the love notes I used to leave him. He still does those things, which I love but which also make me feel like a right bitch for not reciprocating. My friends advice is not to break up if I will reject it later. How do I know I will? Another friend's advice is if you loved him enough you'll see past the daughter thing. That's probably true. Maybe this proves I don't? But I know in my heart he's the best man I've ever been with and I love the hell out of him, so it doesn't make sense.

I had a whole spiel in my head a couple of days ago about what I'd say when I broke up with him, but I can't bring myself to do it. My heart is aching just thinking about it. I don't want to be selfish and string him along either. He deserves an answer. Do you think I just need to rip the bandaid off and end it? I would like to be able to tell him I'll try but I think I'd end up right back where I am now, full of doubt and resentment. Sorry for the long post. If you've gotten this far well done! I would really love your advice please, the good, bad and ugly