god I hope I am not going to be sorry
Hi all
I need help, my FH and I had decided that we want to move in together. ( not after long deliberation on my part)
the problem is his 18 BS. Some of you may know that he is a 9th grade drop out, smokes drinks, ( he does have a job finally) pretty much living with his girlfriend over at FH house. (rental) With the economy so bad and money tight we decided that moving in together would be a smart thing. Now part of this moving in was that his 18 y/o needs to follow the rules. ( he has had none for about 2 yrs)and that if he breaks any one of the rules then FH will tell BS to leave. Some very smart people have cautioned me on this move in and believe me I do this with much trepidation those same smart people also said if you are going to do this then get a list of does and dont's and make the BS sign it sssssooo
I have a few ideas about what rules will be on this "contract" but I was wondering with all the vast experience my ST friends have what would you suggest go on the contract.
of course no smoking, no drinking in the house or on the property. friends have to leave by 10pm on week nights.
no sleep overs for girlfriend.
keep the house picked up...
suggestions...
Ew.
When it comes down to it, will FH really forcibly evict this kid if/when he chooses not to follow whatever rules you put into place? Because rule #1 for me would be that he must move out when asked, given reasonable notice.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
that was the one thing I made sure
I told him that he must understand that if BS breaks the rules then he will have to go, that is the only reason I decided to let them move in
I am prepared to ask them both to move out if FH does not respect the agreement. He will sign it as well as me.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Good! Then I'd make sure he
Good! Then I'd make sure he understands that he's responsible for a portion of the grocery bill, a portion of the utility bills... make him pay something. Don't let him just live there for free. It might be a good idea to make him set aside a portion of his money into a savings account every month to help him prepare for getting the hell out eventually.
Are you going to put a provision in there that he must be out within a year or some other reasonable time frame? That might be worth considering. You don't want to still be tripping over him when he's forty.
Definitely assign him a share of the chores. Cutting grass, taking out garbage, whatever other routine chores you and FH do, make sure he's splitting them with you.
Make sure he understands that he is responsible for any damage done by him or anyone he invites into the home. That means paying to have damage repaired or the item replaced at his expense.
He needs to accept that a word from you is the same as a word from his Dad... he's living in YOUR house, must follow YOUR rules and will treat you with the proper respect due your position in the home.
And then all the usual stuff... if it's not yours, don't touch it. If you didn't pay for it, then don't assume you can use it. That kind of thing.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
GOOD IDEA
I did not think about my word being as good as his dad's I assumed it would be understood but it is a good thought.
Well I am pretty sure that the Stson is not going to want to stay there very long anyway he has had his taste of freedom and I believe that once he has to live by rules he will be packing his bags ASAP, I am not 100% sure he is moving in, but I want to be prepared.
thanks for your help Georgia!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
money
"With the economy so bad and money tight we decided that moving in together would be a smart thing."
Those two will be saving a lot of money if they move in with you and you will be stuck with all the bills and truly miserable.
Sai Deschain
Is your Dh really ready to support you in the event that ss breaks the rules? This concerns me. Once you move in with him and ss moves in it may be more difficult than you think to get ss out.
Dh may end up feeling guilty and want to give his son chances. He has already let ss to do things that should not of ever been allowed to happen ans ss is used to this.
Ss may think since dad has allowed it what right do you have to tell him no. My bs thinks that since he is 20 that he is an adult and should be allowed to do whatever he wants no matter who's roof he's under. This is why he does not live with me and trust me, this is my kid and I am the bad guy in his eyes for not putting up with his shit.
Dh is going to have to be strong on this. Do you think he can be?
Georgie
I agree
Fearless is 100% correct. Personally, I wouldn't want to see anyone do that to themself.
"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears" Proverbs 26:17
Sai Deschain
Is your Dh really ready to support you if ss does not follow the rules? This really concerns me. It seems that he is not enforcing any rules now and has not been and ss is used to this.
What if he wants to give ss chances? Are you ready for that? It may be harder to get ss out than you think. Ss may not respect a contract and may even feel like his dad lets him do what he wants so why do you have the authority to tell him any different?
My own bs is 20 and thinks that since he is an "adult" that he should be able to do whatever he wants no matter whose roof he is under. This is why he does not live with me and let me tell you that I am the bad guy since I won't put up with his sh*t. But then I have never have.
Your Dh is putting up with this now. Do you think he is really ready to change that?
Please be sure that you are ready. The outcome may not be what you want.
Georgie
Oh sweetie,
this is really not a wise choice. The moments of happiness of having your man by your side will not equal the many hours of torment you may have ahead. A better idea would be to wait until the 18 year old is up and out for good and does not pose a threat to your future (peace of mind, money, family) because your man is "finished" with the parenting part of his life.
I wouldn't
but that's just me. I see how my SS treats his mom and sister where they live. SS has taken over the whole house and gives BM and SD the orders. BM has had no direction for this kid and no discipline. I see how he has overtaken the house with animals that belong outside. I've heard him raise his voice to them and make his threats. SD has not wanted to go home at times due to fights with SS. BM seems to stay away from the house as much as possible too.
I would hate to see that happen to you.
Yeah, I posted this but now I'm adding more. Some undesirable kids have shown up at BM's house who were once friends with SS. Later the house got broken in to. Hmmm. I wonder who that was. Come to find out these hooligans are into meth and who knows what else. The sheriff had to be called out. SS said he told them if they show back up out there, he'll shoot them. What's SS doin with a gun??
I have three letters that may nip this in the bud
G E D
SS needs to get that first. If he does, well, HEY. How 'bout that! Maybe he is capable of change.
I would start there.
Everything else is secondary. This is the only way he will be able to move on into his own adult life and get a decent paying job.
I have a feeling from what you've said that he's not motivated enough to do that, and that may nip it all in the bud regarding him moving in.
Other than that-
100 bucks a month or more in rent
100 bucks a month or more in groceries
Pay his own car insurance, gas money, clothes, etc.
Pay his own medical insurance
In other words, all he's doing is sleeping there.
As far as friends and such, I say no visitors. This is a boarding house. He can visit his friends and GFs at THEIR houses or get his own apartment.
If that all doesn't scare him off, then maybe he'll step up to the responsibility. Once again, I have a feeling....the more uncomfortable the surroundings the less appealing this will be for him.
In other words,
my friends
I appreciate all the advice harsh or otherwise.(although I did not think any of the advice was harsh)
I guess I am going to rethink this whole thing.
I really would love to have FH there and helping with the bills, as it is he lives with me and pays for his son to live at his place.
all of you have made good points.
Zen, GED he doesnt even know how to spell it! ha.
fearless I know what you are saying thanks for being honest.
and SS' friends are less then honest.
good point
thanks again all, I am going to really think again on this.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”