Going thru Hell... would love some guidance
Oh the sense of relief at reading some of your stories... this weekend is the weekend we have our SS. He's 5. I've been married to his father for 2 years and have known him for 3 years. When I first got together with his father, we all lived together along with my own daughter (who's 4 years old). Things were wonderful other than when we had to deal with the ex.. but it was understandable and something I could put with. My SS and I had a pretty good relationship for a while, but he's always had behavioral issues. He was a biter for a few years, my daughter actually has a scar from one of his episodes.. thankfully that has stopped, but it always seems like when we conquer one challenge, another one comes up. He's now with his mom full time (something we are fighting) and when we have him, things are horrible. I dread weekends with both kids. As soon as he finds out he's coming over he throws a fit. He then proceeds to back talk, destroy anything he can get his hands on, lie, steal etc etc for the entire weekend. When asked why he does it, we get the typical "I dunno"... which is somewhat understandable for his age and yet is somehow no longer acceptable in my eyes. I've always treated this little boy like he was my own... we plan trips to the pumpkin patch, we make cookies, we sing songs etc ... everything I do with my own daughter. It all used to be good ..but about 6 months ago it changed. Now everything I cook isn't good enough, he doesn't want to participate. He tells his father and me that he hates us. His mom has a new man in her life and he calls him pappa. It doesnt seem to bother my husband (or if it does he's just not speaking up about it) but it just seems unfair. I miss my little boy. I've never asked him to call me mom or anything of the sort. I've always explained that we are friends. Maybe that's how I screwed it up. Whenever my husband goes anywhere this little boy tells me how he doesnt have to listen to me. If I take something away, he goes and gets it from his mom. He's violent and rude, with no manners. He's behind in school... heck he got suspended from Kindergarten. Who gets suspended from KINDERGARTEN?!?! I'm resentful.. I know that if he'd still be here in our home things would be different. His mom has a lot of mental problems, but refuses to get her son checked out. My husband is so focused on trying to keep things calm that he's not thinking about what things will be like in the future. He gets involved to some extent, but he just wants things to be nice for his son (understandably) when he comes over. it breaks his heart when SS doesn't want to come over. This child is out of control... but what can I possibly do? Recently my husband lost his drivers license (long story). We somehow always get wrangled into doing all the transportation. Well I don't want to drive to drop him off.. i don't mind picking him up but it should be an equal street. I asked the ex if she'd come pick him up and instead i get all these excuses which basically boil down to her wanting more money. We made holiday treats today and everyone in the house is excited to taste the fudge and eat cookies and my grandmother's special hot chocolate... but instead of being excited the SS is complaining and not wanting to take part. He says he doesnt like fudge... yet he loves chocolate and that's all this fudge is. I went all out for xmas last year and he threw a fit because he wanted to bring his presents from his moms. He didn't even want to open my gifts. I just don't know what to do anymore. Part of me just wants to step out of it, to not give this little boy any other special gifts until I get some love and respect back... but I have a feeling that the only love and respect he gets is from me and my husband. I'm just so angry. Everyone, his mom, his dad, everyone has told him that he has to listen to me and do what i say etc etc... but he still doesn't. I have SO much more respect for those step parents... I don't know how you all do it, but I can tell you that it's much harder than raising your own kids.
Any advice or words of wisdom would be most appreciated.
Thank you
Jen
Thank you Bio Mom. Today
Thank you Bio Mom. Today was rough on me, we sat down and had a chat and I thought all was well and he decided to drop kick our new kitten across the living room. I talked with his mom about the whole situation and she says he does it to her boyfriend too so at least I'm not alone.
It is hard with him being so young. After we dropped him off I thought some more about the whole situation and ultimately I can't help but feel sorry for him. My parents divorced when I was his age and I remember going through a lot of what he's going through now. Wouldn't it be nice if we could have some sort of crystal ball just to tell us if things were going to turn out right in the end? His mom resorts to yelling and spanking.. I however just cannot do it. I can't see how hitting a child is going to have any good impact on a parent or step parent's bond. Luckily right now things have been fairly civil with the Bio Mom. We (my husband and I) have no idea what goes on in that house. We've asked about schedules and rules (to try and keep things the same at ours) but she says it's none of our business. I offered to get our little guy into some fun activities and she's fighting us on that too.
Just my advice.
You know, I grew up with divorced parents too. And I agree with BioMom on the fact that if you open your feelings first, he may follow. But more importantly, you have more incommon with this little boy than anyone else in his life right now because you too are a child of divorce. If you confide in him your feelings, how you felt about your parents divorce and reassure him that it's not his fault, he may feel better and gradually come to trust you. He sounds as though he may be feeling that he's not being heard either, and probably is really confused about what's going on.
Also, I won't worry about the schedules and rules that SS has to contend with at BM's. Set your own rules that he has to follow, and be firm about it. He's really young and at the age to push and experience boundaries that a child will do at this age.
I wouldn't stop giving him hugs and kisses but instead, keep reassuring him that he's safe, secure and loved in your home. Keep a solid schedule and stable environment for him at your home. If you want to plan fun things... than do it. Find things in your area that are on your visitation days... they are your days, not BM's, to plan.
Also, maybe you need to pick a public halfway point between you and BM. We use a public designated shopping strip mall, that is half way between us, to pick up/drop off my SS and it helps level the driving time, not to mention gas. We had it put in our court order because our BM used to pull all kinds of crazy crap that she used against us, yet she kept calling us and changed it... so, we had her forced to use this specific location.
I am also concerned with the fact that he kicked a kitten. That's really abusive behavior and he had to learn that from somewhere. Either he's being abused or bullied somewhere and he's taking it out on a kitten. He feels powerless somehow, out of control. Perhaps you should take him to a counsler when you have him at your home. I know that's easier said than done, but it concerns me that it's going to continue without any attention or corrective action.
Do you have a solid parenting/visiation schedule? If not, one needs to be created to help foster a stable environment that this little boy can relay on.
RE:
The thing that concerns me most is that he kicked the kitten...everything else to me seems to be emotional backlash from whatever he's experiencing related to his parents being separated or what pressure he may be getting from outside sources about you or his father...but kicking a kitten? I'm with Step Mom, that to me is more like an exhibition of his frustration over being abused or bullied. That or he has a lot more pent up anger about the situation than he can handle. Hopefully you or someone can have some heart-to-hearts with him before it gets any worse. Have you or your DH talked to his mother about your concerns and what you all can do about it? So far it seems her only input is "he does it to my boyfriend too". Correct me if I'm wrong? He might benefit most from stability and emotional support from all four parents, but it's going to take all of you being on the same page to accomplish that.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Yea, i've been worried about
Yea, i've been worried about it too. It started with the biting... but I've finally managed to get him to stop doing that. He is very abusive. He's put holes in my walls of our previous home. He isn't allowed to be around my daughter unsupervised. The kitten was asleep on the couch when this happened. He just randomly picked her up and drop kicked her across the room. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him do it too. I guess he's having trouble at school too.. he's been spitting on his teachers. (Where do you learn to spit on people?!?) I've suggested therapy and counseling.. we know his mom is bipolar... but both the BM and my hubby don't think it's necessary. They think he'll just grow out of it. I'm sorry but I'm a future psych major.. you'd think i'd know LOL. Thank you all for your support and advice. I've been given the opportunity to take him for a week after christmas and I've got some fun things planned for just him and me. I'm going to see if I can't figure out what's going on in this little boy's head.
I agree on the abuse thing... We don't use physical discipline in our house, but I know she does. I also know that her ex was abusive. We let her stay in our home for a short amount of time to get her out of that situation. But as far as I know, SS was never around to see that... although children instinctively know what's going on.
What amazes me however is that CPS won't get involved. About a year ago we went to pick up SS from his mother and she was high as a kite. We immediately called CPS and they said that as long as their was no abuse happening, they didn't want to get involved. Can you believe that?!
It's so different being on the other side of a divorce. I went through one myself and a hellacious custody battle for my daughter. But it's interesting to see what it's like coming from a father's point of view.
May I suggest...
It's obvious that both BM and BF are in denial that this child needs therapy. Perhaps you should set up a 'hidden' camera around the home every so often? Have any webcams around that you can put up and let run? I only suggest this so that maybe BF who seems to make light of situations can't make light of it when it's so obvious in his face. I think that they are missing the critical indicators here.
How does your DH listen to you when you tell him of the happenings? Does he just push it aside and come up with excuses? Or does he really take into account your perspective? He may be scared.
It would also be good to know whether this child is ADHD, ADD or has some other neurobiological disorder, especially since BM has been diagnosed as bipolar.