I hate being in the same city as his ex wife and child. Everywhere I go, I see them and of course, everyone here knows them as a broken family and me as the newcomer. I don't care about that, because I get great support (they all hated the ex!) from everyone, but yeah, I'd much rather be able to make a trip to the grocery store without running into his ex!

He's ready to move, I'm ready to move and we've set a plan in motion to save money and try to find jobs outside of the state. We're in Colorado now and want to move to Virginia.

I don't have any advice to give since I'm in the same boat, but I don't care what anyone thinks of me really. Let them talk. DH and I are in love and perfect for each other and ex wife is a tramp!

Good luck

Try living in the same city with BM and to boot, the once house of BM AND DH and child... :O

I don't think moving is the answer. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

People get divorced and remarried all the time. The fact that people are surprised that your husband is remarried seems to say that he has not done a good job of keeping his friends up to date on things. Although if it's been fairly recent since ya'll have been married I'd give him some slack in this area.

It may be he just doesn't realize how all this makes you feel. Nothing wrong with talking about the former wife but hubby needs to cut the conversation short.

Moving is not the answer.... that is only running from some feelings you are having regarding this woman. The fact that everyone knows he was married before won't go away. Why keep asking your SO questions about her? It only gives you more info to store in your head. BE done with her. He is. Asking him to move from his child isn't fair to him either..... My DH's BM moved 6 hours away from him. He is now a "part time" father. And it's killing him. Sometimes we have to deal with our insecurities. I have to deal with mine. As I deal with 2 BM's....... and it's on a daily basis in our home. Because not a day goes by without their drama....

Be the bigger person here. Deal with what you are feeling don't run from it. It won't go away simply because you moved.

Not trying to come down on you, but you sound insecure. You know you are a dime piece compared to her, you know your hubby can't stand his ex, and yet you worry that he misses that part of his life.

Maybe he missed having an intact family, but doesn't sound like he misses HER.

So how do you deal with these thoughts?

By talking to your husband about how you feel. Hopefully he will reassure you that your feelings are groundless. And you need to tell yourself that you shouldn't feel embarrassed that you're the second wife, or that SD isn't yours by blood. So what? People get divorced all the time. They remarry all the time. You are not the first step mom/second wife in the world and you won't be the last.

Sometimes I think about these things. My BF is a different race than me and my daughters so sometimes I wonder if people are staring at us and trying to figure us out. But then I realize THEY are the ones with the problem, not us.

And sometimes people are just curious, they don't mean any harm.

You married a man with a past. It is wrong for you to want your insecurity/jealousy to run your life...let alone his.
I'd suggest you find a way to get over it. The world won't end. But to selfishly want him to leave his job and his daughter because you don't like it? WOW.

My DH was married to BM for 20 years. I know what it's like to have the "ghost" around. Talk about sharing friends and family with BM. (Of course, no one mistakes me for her!)

I understand where you are coming from. I live in the same town and same house. I have and still do have some insecurities about this but it is getting better with time.

DH always introduces me as "his new wife" when we run into someone from his past. Which I thought was kind of weird, like he has 3 or 4 wives or something. But I think he gets a kick out of it so I let it go.

BM friends have came over to our house to get in touch with BM even though they knew she didn't live there anymore but knew that DH did. That made me mad.

I have ran into BM and BM friends and family and to tell you the truth I just hate it but what can you do?

Most people know that SS is not mine so I don't have that problem and don't think about it too much. When other people from DH's past see SS they rant and rave about him but I just smile and stay quiet.

I would love to move but for right now I am trying to be patient. I drop little hints to DH every once in a while to let him know that eventually I want US to buy a home together that fits "me and him and our needs".

The worst mistake DH did in our marriage was take me around the world to visit all his past friends/family. When all I got was criticism, comparisons, listening to them talk about all the things DH & BM used to do together, THEM reminiscing about when SD was a baby--it all had me ready to pack up my car and leave DH during our first year of marriage!

I heard things like, "Are you sure she will make a good mom for SD?" "You need to think of SD first and don't bring a woman in SD's life who isn't ready to sacrifice everything for SD." "SD needs her real mom."

Oh, and my favorite-- "Are you sure this person you married is The One? That's what you said the last 2 times you brought a new wife to our house."

So yeah, people's comments from DH's past have been so fucked and have made me feel more terrible than I already did in dealing with this new relationship with "baggage." I hated the insensitive talk and bragging about the things DH and his friends did with each others' first families. I felt so left out. Still do.

BTW, moving won't neccessarily allow you to escape the abuse!

We have never lived in the same town as BM or any friends/relatives from DH's past--and their crappy insensitivity still manages to find us!

I hate it.

When I met H he was a mess. His ex had just left, he had three small kids and unbeknownst to me, loved to find people to "do it for him". So for the next 15 or so years, I was his paralegal, filing, fighting and wining every court battle he had with that miserable bitch he had two of the three kids WE supported. Two years ago my SD had come to live with us bc she was pregnant, broke and her baby daddy was in jail. We turned our whole house upside down: set up a nursery, the whole nine yards. She had lived with is before and we got along great but i guess it was time for me to move over bc she was "here to stay". My SD started wearing her BM's wedding rings that my H gave to her. She freely pulled her boobs out to feed in front of my H and 18 BS. She asked H personal questions about his sex life. She slept all day and texted all night and the day that baby was old enough she informed us she was off to Texas to visit her mother. Once she got there I told her not to come back. My H freaked. For like two years. As did my BS. Poor, poor SD who was never anything but a drug addicted stripper who had a baby bc she failed at college, couldn't hold down a real job and stripping was getting the best of her. How I could possibly be so mean? This went on for two years. In the meantime she made her way through three sets of grandparents, caused two more divorces had ANOTHER kid and started using my BS's childhood nickname for it and all the while texted my husband like the little imp she is. They said I told her to stay inTexas bc I was jealous (won't dignify it). This past July I flew her and her two extremely feral children here. I stayed upstairs when my husnad was home bc really, I can't stand her and also so she could have him all to herself. She stayed for two weeks. That was about 4 weeks ago. Her and I got along great bc I treated her like my BS. If she was lazy, I told her. If she left shit all over the place, I told her. Right before she left she went and bought me a whole bunch of gifts and bought my husband nothing. She also no longer texts my husband. When he asked my why I thought this was so I told him: "She came, she saw, she went". It was obvious to her I didn't give a shit what she, her father or her brothers had to say about me. Therefore, it wasn't fun for her anymore. My husband finally gets it.

My point: who cares what those asshles think. It's what we think of ourselves that count

You can't uproot entire lives just because you feel awkward and insecure about being the new wife. You knew he'd married before and had a child so you had to know that sometimes people would have innocent comments especially if they haven't seen him in a while. I hate going with my Husband to doctor appointments and being called his First wife's name regarding any insurance because they had very old information in their systems. But it's nothing to get bent about--a fleeting annoyance normally corrected with an update to the receptionist.

I don't understand what's so bothersome about the innocent comments of others regarding his past. They didn't know and now they do know so that's not going to happen but a few times before everyone knows who you are. They all also must know the EX is a drug addict and good riddance to her. It doesn't sound like anyone is saying anything derogatory about you or even comparing you--that's all in your head it seems. She's a drug addict and "slutty toilet faced bitch" yet you are worrying what others think about you vs her?? Doesn't that seem a little nuts? I could see maybe if she was gorgeous, successful, great Mom, funny, etc. But insecure about a meth head?

Back before marriage prior to the present issues with the BM, I was in her house at SS8 (then 5th) birthday party. DH had dated BM for 11 years BEFORE 6 yrs of marriage and they'd been divorced for 4 yrs when I came along so 20 yr history there. They were interracial couple and came from same small town so everyone knew them. ALL of her friends were there and people she and DH had known for years. Trouble is some of them didn't even know DH was still around since the kid is not his (Bm had affair). So it was more awkward for HIM than for me as they'd express surprise that he was around at all. Now these were relatively close friends of hers from their hometown but I guess she'd tried to hide the fact that DH was acting as the Dad. THEN it gets better--the boys REAL Biological Paternal Grandmother and her daughter shows up! Quick summary (per BM, the real dad has no idea this boy exists from their fling. But his mom found out when child was 4 and wanted to be in his life. Supposedly she did not tell her son about the kid for some reasons). So there poor DH was in middle of this coven with her friends AND the real Dad's MOM and daughter and the boy is calling them Grandma and Aunt. And there I stood -new fiance- in the middle of all of this mess. I'd see whispers trying to figure out who I was & she'd explain and tell them "oh you know I'm cool; I'm not like that". (That's her false image and this is was before lap-band, before boyfriend, before marriage -now I don't even want to look at the sloppy heffa. lol)

So you talk about awkward stuff but you know what, I actually didn't care that much. Why? Because she's a loud, arrogant, unappreciative slut and has nothing on me but time of knowing him. And what did she do with that time--cheated over and over and eventually got knocked up with some random dude's jizz and now she has this kid with no Father beyond that of the kind big heart of my Husband. Why in the world would I worry about anyone comparing me to that?? If anything, he gets high fives (cause it doesn't hurt that I'm kinda hot and she is sooo not, lol -pardon my pettiness).

On a serious note, you can't let stuff like this worry you beyond a fleeting thought. To uproot all of the lives involved is a placebo at best because if you are of that worrisome of a nature, you'll find something new to stress over in a new place.

Some strategies for the future:

Don't stand around listening if it makes you feel weird--wander off and meet him at front of store or what not.
When you meet his friends, engage in the discussion in an appropriate way-humor, warmth, etc are all endearing and will quickly stop any comparisons that would be made.
He has full custody of his daughter so your role is known to any involved-the stepmom; that's not uncommon and no one is stressing it as much as you apparently are. So let the comments play out and choose to disregard it--they are just making small talk.
Focus on your marriage, not on his past. The child is the result of his past but you guys have her now so your dealings with the BM are limited vs those of us who have to deal with custody, visits, etc. Think about what you have now, not what he had then.

Good luck!

My DH and I moved 2 hours away from BM and it is the best thing we could have EVER done! You can figure out the little stuff in between but the feeling of freedom is amazing. I even put my own house up for sale and quit my job so we could move away. It has been hard because I have yet to find a job here but it was so worth it! I would do it ten times over again. If your serious about it, do your homework about jobs and homes, then present it to your hubby. It will go a lot smoother and keep from piling unnecessary worry on him