Grandparents hanging out with Ex Wife's child
I really have no where else to ask this. So does anyone have experience with your husband's parents going to his ex wife's child (not their child together) games, school functions etc?
The scenario: I have been with my husband for 12 years, married 9 this year. We both had children prior. When we got married his parents told him "ya'll dont need to have kids together, you have enough kids". First off, I am not sure how you even tell grown adults "what they need". I was ok with just having my kids but my husband wanted us to have a family together. So we got pregnant and we have a daughter who is currently 8. His parents gave us 5 acres from their 35 acres (they don't live on) as a wedding gift.
At this time, we lived 2 hours away from his parents. We were renting as I gave up my former married home and he hadn't ever had a permanent home, always rented. They said "we want to spend time with our grandchild" so we moved to the 5 acres they gave us which is 25-30 minutes away from them. They said all through the pregnancy they wanted to be active grandparents. Well that didn't happen. We actually don't hear from them, unless they need my husband to do something for them.
His parents have always chased after his kids with his ex wife. Fine. I was upset because they didn't spend time with our daughter but he said he thought it was because she was young and they are older. I didn't really buy that because they aren't that old. They are currently like mid 70s. Ok fine. I kept it to myself. They always made a big deal on holidays to see his kids and would just casually say hi to our daughter. They bought his kids gifts but would give our daughter something small. Ok fine. I felt like this is just who they are, let it go.
A couple years ago, I see a post on facebook by his ex wife. His parents drove over an hour away to go to her child's grandparents day, mind you this isn't his kid. They didn't go on the days that were for his kids. I said something to him because they literally have nothing to do with our child unless its a holiday and they are here or we take her to see them. It started a huge fight with us and then him and them. They told him they had a relationship with this child because they would go to his youngest kid's baseball games and so they knew her.
His ex wife's post was "grandma and grandpa with X kid's name". That kinda pissed me off because at this point they hadn't seen our daughter or called to even ask about her in MONTHS. We live 30 minutes away, they had to pass us to go to this school.
Time has passed. He said they are my parents, I love them. We moved on. It always bugged me but I just kept my mouth shut. Last June his oldest graduated. I wasn't initally invited, fine. It was restrictions on people etc. All of a sudden X person couldn't come so my husband asked if I wanted to go. I said if your kid H wants me to, I will. She isn't obligated to ask me. She told him she did. I went. Our kid, his kids half sister wasn't allowed to go because on x amount could go. Ok, I left our kid with my teenage daughter and adult son to go.
After the graduation, his ex's kid was there and she called his parents "grandma and grandpa". I just walked on, made no comment.
On to the recent. Yesterday our daughter is feeling sick. We found she had a tick on her. We removed it but I have to go into work today and I can't stay home. My 17 yr old and 21 year old will be here with her. I asked him to call his mom (husbands mom) to let her know what was going on and asked if she could be on standby in case our daughter needed to go to the doctor. My job is about 2 hours away and I can't get back fast. Although my kids will be here, I wanted a back up person with experience. So why not his parents who are literally 30 minutes away.
He goes outside to call them. Why? IDK! He comes back in pissed off. I am dealing with our daughter. I asked did you call your mom. He says to me " yes and I am fucking done with them". I was like "ok, what happened". I was thinking it was oh I have to go grocery shopping or something dumb, that's how they usually put off.
He says: I could hear kids and alot of noise in the background so I asked where she was. She said at "ex wife's kid's game" He told me he then got super pissed and asked why they were there because she isn't their kid. So basically why they had gone to a game for a kid that isn't his kid but his ex wife's kid. He said that his mom told him his dad wanted to go. He then told me he told her it was bullshit for them to go to see his ex wife's kid but not to come and visit with their 'actual granddaughter" and hung up on her. He was really pissed and just kept saying he was fucking done with them.
I felt really bad because I asked him to call. I had no idea they were still going to these games or hanging out with his ex wife and her kid. He was really upset, ate and went to bed.
My question is...... Is this normal behavior for parents to hang out with the ex wife and her kid by another man?
I get it if it's his ex wife and their mutual kids. I didn't neccessary like it but that was on me. However, their mutual kids have had games, goat ropings etc and they haven't went to those functions. Why are they so determined to spend time with a child that isn't their grandchild? I usually work from home but this is the 1 time in 2 years I have to go in to get my computer updated after a week and half wait. So it's not like they can't visit whenever they want. Also our child is homeschooled, so there is no "specific time" they have to see her.
They don't call, text or anything to me to ask about our daughter. They contact my husband, their ONLY CHILD, when they need him to do something for them or to tell him about his dad's health issues. One year they didn't even want to come for thanksgiving, they wanted to go out to some restaurant alone. He was mad and told them how he felt about it. They did come but they won't stay any longer here than to eat and go home.
The blame is always put on me for the last 12 years for when his parents or his kids (with ex) don't come here. I am always the problem. I haven't done a damn thing to any of them. I tried for years to be friends with his mom. She would just blow me off. She agreed when our daughter was 2 to watch her on thursdays when I had to go in the office to watch her. It was 1 day a week and we moved all the way out here because they wanted to be "active grandparents". She texted me after I had a called to tell her I was staying home one thursday because Alana was sick. She wrote " so glad I dont have to watch her today, she is a handful. I didn't want to deal with her today". I didn't respond because honestly I was so pissed. Yes a 2 year old is a handful but damn. I told my husband, not to cause issues but to tell him we probably needed to find someone else to watch her from now on.
He got pissed called his mom. She accidentally texted it to me when it was meant for her sister. So she was shit talking my 2 year old, their granddaughter. I have distanced myself from them since. I do go over their house when my husband wants to go. I talk to them nicely. I answer whatever questions they have about not only our MUTUAL daughter but my kids.
I just don't understand any of it. Trust me when I tell you I have done everything I can think of to be a suitable daughter in law. It doesn't seem to matter. It's like I don't exsist and neither does our daughter, their granddaughter.
I don't really care if they give two shits about me but I know our daughter is going to figure it out soon. She doesn't even ask to see them. She has stayed overnight at their house literally once in 8 years and it was like 2 years ago when they asked her to come stay after thanksgiving. She went and I was totally surprised. I packed her bag and told them call if we needed to pick her up. We went and got her the next day. That seemed to be enough time for them because they have made absolutely no effort to see her since.
So weigh in...... what should I do? Just say "whatever" and act like all is well? Or refuse to go over there and take our daughter since she isn't a priority anyways.
I don't go out of my way for
I don't go out of my way for people that don't go out of the way for me. I say ignore it. Sometimes you have a close relationship with relatives.. inlaws etc.. sometimes you don't. Apparently his parents had a bond with his EX that hasn't necessarily ended with his relationship. My Inlaws are still friendly with my DH and his brother's exes.. they are the "mother of our grandchildren".. whatever. is what I say.
Chalk it up to what it is.. it is. As long as they aren't actively interfering or trying to break down your relationship.. let it go. Let your DH deal with his parents as he wants. Enjoy your life.. your child.. tell the white lies that "grandparents are funny.. old.. whatever" Fill her life with people.. friends.. relatives that will appreciate her and support her.. not everyone will in life.. it is not always fair. but you can live without a close relationship with them.
thanks. It just sucks for my
thanks. It just sucks for my daughter.
Couple of questions/comments
Couple of questions/comments to consider:
1.) Were you "the other woman" or in any way involved with your DH prior to the end of his first marriage? If so, they may have lost respect for their son and have none for you, and they feel bad for the XW. That may be why they have "adopted" her.
2.) Did your DH keep in contact with his family when he was married, or did that fall on his XW? Sometimes the ex is the one who maintains those relationships, which means they form different relationships with their ILs not connected to the fact that they're ILs. If your DH wasn't super connected before, and hasn't been since, that may explain why they have maintained a "family" relationship with the ex.
3.) Are the XW's parents still alive? Do her kids have an active father and paternal grandparents? If your ILs were the XW's "only family" and/or her kids don't have a father, that may explain why they have been so involved. They may feel obligated to those kids more than to kids who have two active parents, other grandparents, etc.
4.) Is the XW manipulative? Does she cry poor and abused? Did she lie about why your DH and her marriage ended? If she has lied and manipulated his parents, that may explain why they keep a distance from you all but cling to her. This is especially true if she lovebombs and punishes them.
5.) Has your DH ever had a good relationship with his parents, or have they shown signs of being narcissists? Birds of a feather flock together, so if XW is the manipulstive type and so are they, they're just forming bonds with like-minded individuals. I wouldn't want any part of that.
Ultimately, if they don't want to be involved, don't force it. If your DD asks why, tell her you don't know why. She'll hit an age where she can ask her grandparents herself (if they're still alive). Just remind her that it isn't her fault and it has something to do with them.
#1 I met my DH 3-4 years
#1 I met my DH 3-4 years after their marriage ended. I had nothing to do with it. I do believe she was trying to get him back by saying the kids wanted her to come with them on outings. That stopped after we got serious. I told him it was confusing his kids and if we were going to be serious, he couldn't be hanging out with her as if they were still a family because the children wouldn't understand who I was in the situation. His kids were 6 and 3. We waited a year of dating and deciding we were serious before the kids were introduced to each other. We both have kids. My relationship was the one that had just fallen about the year before.
#2 He and his XW didn't keep contact with his family. They only kept close to HER family. The kids barely knew their dad's parents until they split. The youngest was a baby when they split and she was 3 when I met him.
#3 XW's parents are alive, she lives with them. She lives with her mom and step-dad. Her bio dad sees her and the kids regularly. So they have other grandparents in their lives. Her kid calls her step-dad, DAD.
#4 She is a narcissist. She lies about everything. She cries about being a SINGLE parent while keeping their children away from DH. I have seen this. It's not what he says. We have been together 10 years now. She lied about DH to anyone who would listen. She told her new beau's parents at the time, that DH was with me and not getting his kids. DH was working 7 days a week at this time. We know this because her new beau was DH's highschool friend and the parents contacted his parents.
#5 DH's relationship with his parents to me is toxic. They are very selfish people. They only deal with us when they NEED something. We stopped going to the yearly family barbq because they pretended to be awesome grandparents and hadn't seen our daughter in 6 months prior.
I can't force anything and don't try. I just wanted some feedback on how other people viewed the situation. I have trust issues and obviously this situation is weird at best.
Based on what you wrote, I
Based on what you wrote, I think #4 and #5 are your answers as to why they hang out with BM. She manipulates them in some way, and them being selfish, they do what brings them most joy. My guess is that you and your DH have boundaries with both his parents and BM. They probably don't like that, so the "cost" of seeing you all is too high. But, because BM is manipulative and a liar, she has no boundaries. That's very appealing to selfish people. When BM punishes them for not jumping high enough, both parties become "victims" and can parade around their sob stories to everyone who will listen. Eventually they'll make up because BM will want her supply of people to emotionally manipulate and your ILs will want to play "good grandparents" again.
I've lived something similar with my MIL and BM. It's exhausting, and it's best to just ignore their weird relationship. They'll make each other happy and miserable, and you nor your daughter need that.
It's possible that your in
It's possible that your in-laws formed a bond with the ex-wife's child many years ago. They may really like and "click" with that child. It's certainly possible to have a very good, close, "grandparent-type" relationship with a child who isn't blood.
It's also possible they're using that relationship to "punish" you and/or your husband for something. If so, they're not the type of people you want to be around anyway.
I would worry less about their relationship with the ex-wife's child and more about their relationship with YOUR child. Make sure they're not in a position to hurt her or make her feel "less than." For instance, if they give the other grandchildren obviously better gifts at Christmas to the point that your child will be upset, avoid gift giving holidays with them if others will be there. The in-laws have every right to buy what they want for their grandchildren, but your child shouldn't have to witness the disparity.
I would also not bring it up too much with your husband. He doesn't control his parents and can't make them treat your daughter better. He has already raised the topic with them multiple times. Just accept that's how they are; they're not worth trouble in your marriage.
The child is only 10 and they
The child is only 10 and they started going around HER CHILD 3 years ago.
I wanted to talk to my husband about not inviting them here for holidays. I know this will cause a fight between us because they are HIS PARENTS.
I feel like I am in a hard situation. I don't want them to be around our daughter to treat her less than.
Are they racist bigots?
Are they racist bigots? Because reading this comes across as a racial issue. The fact they made the comment "ya'll don’t need to have kids together, you have enough kids." Reeks they didn't want you or DH procreating. I could be reaching but for whatever reason his parents didn't want you integrated into their family and their shunning your child is just part of it.
Or Financial incompetence...
Or Financial incompetence... if he has asked his parents for help with the kids.. watching them.. paying for them etc.. perhaps they think he has enough on his plate.
I looked back at the prior post and this situation is a lot more worrisome given his apparent past lies and financial shennanigans.
He had financial issues prior
He had financial issues prior to us being married. I have 100% taken care of our child. When we have asked them to watch her, they have been compensated. When his mom was watching her for a few months, I paid their cell phone bills. That's what they requested.
His financial issues were because of his EX Wife. She took out credit cards in his name and got him in FED TAX trouble by not filing his returns for 3 years prior to them splitting.
I can understand something thinking that someone has enough on their plate but that is over and done with. Our child is 8 almost 9 and has been here. So why are they treating a child, who had no say in any of this terribly.
There is no racial issues. We
There is no racial issues. We are all white. They stated we had enough kids. So I guess they decided we weren't worth it because we had another kid together.
My MIL took a similar view
My MIL took a similar view that we shouldn't have kids...but for her it was because she always acts as if DH has abandoned his other children, even though he hasn't. Before DH and I were married she made a big stink multiple times aobut the need to protect SSs inheritance (um, DH had no assets when I met him, so not sure what they were inheriting). I guess DH was just supposed to stay single and unhappy forever to pay for bringing shame on the family for getting a divorce from someone who was just as manipulative and abusive as MIL. MIL sees our daughter, but she does the same thing with buying her something cheap and spending hundreds each on my SSs. BM doesn't have any other children, so we don't have the issue of her spending time with non-grandchildren and not our child, but it is annoying when in-laws do this. I've decided that dysfunctional families breed dsyfunction and I just try to ignore my manipulative MIL. She was away for four months in Florida and just came back and has contacted SSs directly to see them, but has not asked about seeing my DD. She will then complain to SSs that I don't invite her over to see DD, so I guess it's all my fault. I don't really want my DD to spend a lot of time with her manipulative grandmother, so I don't go out of my way to set up time. I'm trying to endure MIL just enough until DH and I can move far away and rarely see her.
If DH would ignore them and
If DH would ignore them and allow me to cut them out. I could deal with that and be much happier. But instead he makes up with them and I'm supposed to forget any horrible stuff they did.
My parents are my Skid's GPs. Woe to anyone who told them
otherwise. Of course my situation is not one of SS-29 being my XW's child. His mom and I are still married and I adopted him at his request when he was 22.
Your situation on the other hand, you have jack nasty ILs who I would not want anywhere near my kid if I were you. Any of my kids. Related to these nasty idiots or not. That your DH's XSkid has a relatioship with DH'd dipshit parents is no blessing. The blessing is that your joint child does not see the jack nasty GPs. If I were you, I would keep it that way as much as possible while having the continually compiled facts on hand to share with your child as she grows up and starts to recognize what is going on regarding your DH's parents.
Though I would regularly be blasting your MIL's comments about your daughter to the whole "fam damily" so everyone of them would have to see your MIL's toxic shit.
Beyond that, I would not give this any more space in your head. This is not a hill to die on IMHO and to do more than write them off and keep their asses bared with their toxic crap is detrimental to your life and the life of your child(ren).
IMHO of course.
Grrrrrrr!
DH won't write them off. He
DH won't write them off. He forgives them and then I'm supposed to forget that they have done nasty crap to us. He will be back on with them in a week, I am pretty sure.
I just don't understand people that do stuff like this to CHILDREN.