HELP!! This is about to cause a 2nd Divorce!!!
My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years now. We have a 2 yr old little girl together and we both have children from our "first lives" (first marriages). Before we were married and even after we were married, my husband's ex-wife demanded that her children NOT be around me because she hates me so!! She blames me for their divorce and tells her children that I took their father away from them. She would not sign divorce papers until my husband agreed to have wording in there that the children would not be around me. Finally he agreed just to get the divorce done and his attorney explained to him that as soon as we married, that wording would not matter any more. However, after we married, it continued and I have continued to deal with it. When my husband spent time with his kids, that was time he was away from me and OUR child. After 2 years of absolute HELL and trying to deal with this (and even divorce proceedings filed because of it), at least we finally have his children with us every other weekend. HERE IS THE PROBLEM.... His ex-wife does not want her children to be with us on the same weekend that MY children are here. I have full custody of my 2 boys but they visit their father every other weekend. This is simply her way to try to destroy our marriage again!! And it is sooooo working!!! She knows that if we have children every weekend, we will never be able to plan anything for ourselves as a couple. And she doesn't want our children to have ANY kind of relationship, she wants them to hate each other! My husband and I argue constantly, because we NEVER have any time together as a couple. I love my children and my husbands children. I just feel that it is best to have them all together on the same weekends so that we can form some kind of family. They all go to the same school and my husband's kids are being taught by their mother to hate my children. My SS treats me so badly because he is taught to by his BM. He won't eat anything that I cook, ignores me when I am talking to him, etc etc. This is all too much stress on our marriage. I am soooo depressed and desperate. Our sex-life is suffering severely.. our whole marriage is at stake!! Any advice from anyone? Am I just being selfish?
So sorry.
I can't believe this woman can dictate your schedule...this is B.S. Just try to handle "today" for now. Something will change...things will get better. You have to believe that...Good luck.
Thanks Bonus Wife
I was hoping to get some advice on these issues. I appreciate your reply.
Tell her to go pack sand.
If he's entitled to visitation, then she must give it. Doesn't matter how she feels, what she wants, etc., etc., etc. It just doesn't matter. He simply has to enforce his visitation rights and screw her. If she withholds visitation, then she is in contempt. Both of you, as well as all of the children, have a right to enjoy a family life that is unimpeded by her machinations. Talk to your husband and see if you can get him on board in taking back your life! It might mean on missing out on some visitation, it might even mean going back to court to charge her with contempt, but ultimately, as long as HE lets her get away with it, she will continue to rule your roost.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Sounds like you know my husband pretty well!!
Thanks Janice for your reply. Those excuses you listed are exactly what I hear from him. Ya know, we live in a small town and are subjected to both of our ex's all the time (and they are both psychos and still very bitter of the divorce). My husband is not going to see his 13 yr old daughter this weekend because she called him and said that she was going to Atlanta with some of her cheerleader friends so he tried to work it out for him to see her last night. Well, I had already scheduled a babysitter for our 2 yr old daughter so that maybe we could actually have some couple time and maybe go to a movie. Well, luckily, when my husband found out that I had planned that, he cancelled seeing his daughter last night since he will see her alot next week, with it being spring break. We went to eat at my favorite restaurant before the movie and guess whose vehicle was out front? You got it, the BM. My husband just drove off and that just pissed me off! He said that if his daughter was with the BM, he didn't want to hurt her feelings since he had cancelled seeing her. In other words, he doesn't want BM and SD to know that WE actually have any plans other than doing what BM wants us to do which is ALWAYS having our kids around with NO COUPLE TIME!! He is still catering to her wishes and I am so pissed off I don't know what to do!! Am I just acting ridiculous do you think?
So this is what you do.
Since she will not or does not want the kids together on the same weekend. If you and your ex have a working relationship for the kids talk to him about switching weekends with you so that your kids and his kids will be together. Do not tell her first. She cannot stop visitation on his weekends.. So switch with your ex since he may be saner then she.. LOL. Then all the kids will be together and she cannot do anything about it. She does not control everything. She only controls what your husband lets her control.. Does that make sense. I understand to a point where men do not like confrontation but they need to realize it causes a strain in any relationship they have with a wife, GF whatever that other person may be..
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
Great Idea.... BUT.....
My EH is about as insane as my husband's EW. It has been 5 yrs since my divorce with my EH and 2 1/2 yrs since my husband's divorce. Neither exes have moved on with dating anyone else or marriage. I sometimes think they are working together to make our lives HELL!! Anyway, believe me, I have thought about this, but my weekends have been the same for over 5 years now. My EH will not do me ANY favors. He takes me to court at least 2 to 3 times a year over trivial issues. For instance, EH has my boys every other weekend and since a mediation agreement last year, he now has them every Wed and Thurs night. Well, he is taking me to court now over the fact that I do not pay for the boys' lunch at school on Thurs and Fri (the days he has them and takes them to school). He says this should be part of his child support payment to me (a measly $600 a mo for 2 children)!! So see, I am screwed on both ends!!! Now what? Everywhere I turn, there are problems!! I really just want to move away!!!
I really appreciate your advice!! Please keep in touch!!
Chaisy,Your husband needs
Chaisy,
Your husband needs to take control of the situation and if he does not, you need to. Sounds like his kids take prioriety over you and your baby, must be guilt. Insist that weekends are with all the kids together, if she refuses he needs to bluff and tell her that he then can no longer visit them on a regular visit. She will change her ideas very quickly when she learns she will never have a free weekend to herself. My husband's ex was great at laying the guilt trip on him for years. He used to see his kids every other weekend and two days a week. The during the week visit was to last three hours, with the drive from bio mom's to ours , feeding the kids and then doing homework , getting back in the car for another 30 min drive we felt there was no quality time. The kids were crabby, wanted to be at their own home, husband was stressed and yelling at the kids, we were fighting . So I suggested we stop the regular visits during the week. bIO-MOM went nuts,,we were her babysitting service, regardless of how the kids and dad felt.
She would have the kids call and cry and beg him to come pick them up,( we knew the kids were okay with stopping the visits we talked about it with them before we did it ) Mom even went as far as trying to get the courts to enforce the during the week visits.
I am saying take control now and show her who runs your household.. Bio-mom despises me , and now makes digs to my husband that I make the decisons. Yup did it to save my sanity and marriage and forced her to back off with the guilt.
Yes, I agree that he needs to take control...
Unfortunately, he won't threaten to forfeit his weekends. His EW would love for him to do that. She has no life. She doesn't date, hasn't dated anyone since the divorce 2 1/2 years ago. When the kids are over for the weekend, she is text messaging their phone at all hourse of the night telling them that she misses them, etc etc. These kids are petrified of her. They panic if EVER I am even in the vehicle when we take them home. They want us to stop at the end of the driveway so they can walk down to the house where their mom won't see me!! It is absolutely absurd!! My husband does this and says that it is for his kids' sake as well as mine and our little girl's. He says he is afraid of what she might do. I wish that b**** would try something!! I can promise she wouldn't try it again!! I'm so frustrated over this woman controlling my husband and MY life!! What to do? What to do?
Sorry to vent!! I really appreciate your advice!! Keep in touch with me on your situation too!!