help BF having problem dealing with ss not being his
Help! I am engaged to a great guy but the only problem is since he has moved in he seems to have issues with the fact that my boys are mine and my exs. Every time I turn around it seems like when I ask him something he tell me I don't care they aren't mine they are yours and "his". I don't think he relizes how it hurts me to hear him say this. I care for his daughter and would hope he would do the same. I have talked to him about it and he says it isn't that he doesn't care about them he cares to the point of not wanting to see them hurt but doesn't care about things they are involved in like sports and school. He hates the fact that thier Dad is involved in the sports organizations that the boys are in and is always there. (practice, games, etc...)He has a daughter but she isn't involved in anything so we only see her on the days and nights that the court has ordered. I don't know what to do I love him and he loves me (so he says) but I don't know how to make it work with the kids. He has known from day one that my boys come first but now that is coming between us. Can I make this relationship work?????????
WOW Proud Mom
Sounds like he's not the man for you. He's not what you need. You may love him but if he's not giving you what you want and need in the relationship it won't work. Being a step-parent takes alot of work and they MUST be a GENEROUS person. Generous with their time. He must threat your kids as if they were his own. He must want to have a special relationship with each of them, even though they have a father. He should be telling you how lucky your kids are, they now have two dads. Instead it sounds like he's running away from your children. This is a HUGE RED FLAG. If he's NOT benficial to your children then move on.
Beg to differ
I don't actually think that's a realistic or fair expectation. You can't dictate the premise of a complex relationship (which blended families are) on the basis of "He must treat your kids as if they were his own…" or he’s OUT!!
Fact No1. They aren't his. "Parental" bonding doesn't just happen because a person is brought into a situation that superficially appears to be that of a parent. Sure that person can act out the role of a parent, but in reality they are not biologically motivated like biological parents and that makes a whole lot of difference.
What he must do is treat the situation as a mature adult who has entered the domain of a pre-existing family structure; one that has history, different rules, beliefs, pressure etc…etc.
He must have a respect for the boys and as an adult expect children to be children. He needs to have a decent dose of commonsense and patience. And what her partner needs are very clear parameters set in his, her and the children’s minds.
Only over time will there be a potential (and I stress potential) for the sort of bond you allude to. He should not be made to feel wrong or guilty, but rather encouraged and thanked for his persistent involvement in the day to day lives of her boys.
On the other hand he may never adjust and will always see her boys as...well HER boys and the EXs. But as long as he can maintain a level of balance between the complex dynamics of the relationship they can all live in relative unity.
He will need time and so will her boys. I don't see this as a HUGE RED FLAG.
Hmmm...
I see where you are going, but then... my brakes are on.
How do you explain the fact of parents that adopt children? They aren't, how did you put it? 'biologically motivated' either. So, to me, biologically speaking... and I do know first hand of this... that it's not necessary for one to have a 'biological' attachment in order for one to bond with ANYONE for that matter. I know first hand that adoptive parents are no different than biological parents, hence, a stepparent is very much like an adoptive parent. They genuinely do have to want the process to happen- whether it develops over time, or happens pretty quickly and naturally. Every situation is different. And speaking, bonding does not have to happen because of biological equations dictate it. There are countless of step-parents that will beg to differ with you on this.
But, I do think that it really does help that a stepparent is respectful- yes, is motivated to want to bond- yes, and generous with their love unconditionally- yes. Otherwise, it's a rocky road, and if left unresolved, could create resentment in the relationship.
What I hear with this fellow is that he's a little insecure with his place or role in this relationship. I sense a bit of competition with the kids, and that is a problem that can be fixed.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Update
Well had a long time last night and here is kinda where we are standing. I have come to the conclusion that he does love my boys in his own way he is learning just as I am what it takes to be a step parent. He comes from parents that have been together forever and is not really sure where he stands in the parenting role of my boys. They do have a relationship not like a parent child relationsip but more like......I don't know how to explain it here are some examples...the wrestle around together, they throw baseball and football together, play video games together that sort of stuff. It is when we are going to an event or function that thier Dad is going to be is what he seems to have no intrest in. That is when I get excited (of course he says he likes to see that it is cute) but he doesn't get excited and I ask why and he tells me they aren't mine they are yours and "his" you 2 should be excited. So last night I ask him why he felt this way he said (of course after some prying) He feels cheated.(I had a tubal after my youngest big mistake) I had 2 boys with the ex and he didn't deserve them or me. So it seems we are having a problem dealing with the fact I can't have anymore kids. So I think we cleared a lot of the air. Trying very hard to be open and honest with one another. Neither one of had communication before so we are trying to make sure we do now.
Thanks for the advice
Cheated (proud mom)
I can totally see that, proud mom. My husband did actually adopt my son from my previous marriage, so they are father/son in every way except biologically. In the beginning, though, there was some - I don't even know how to describe it! - tension, I guess, due to the fact that my husband couldn't get over the fact that the boy just wasn't and never could be "his" son. They would play, wrestle, hang out and do all the typical father/son stuff, but then my husband would someetimes pull back. It was because he'd suddenly realize that this kid wasn't really his, even though they shared a last name and my son called him Daddy. The adoption wasn't what cured that, it was the TIME. It's been over five years now and it does creep up every now and then, but it's very rare now. It does help, though, that my ex-husband left when I was pregnant and has NEVER been in the picture. There just simply was no competition. But I think men especially get territorial and sometimes it's hard for us as women to get it that they can feel the same jealousies that we do! Reassure him big-time that parenting isn't about genetics and encourage that relationship. Biology isn't what makes you a mom or a dad. He can be a great dad to them as a stepfather, just as many men make great dads to the children they adopt or have naturally. Time heals all wounds. (And time wounds all heels, too, come to think of it!)
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
thank you
Thank you so much for your response. I have gotten that same answer from a lot of people but hearing it from someone who has been there sure does help.
I agree I think time is what it is going to take.
Crystal
Getting better
each and every day. Fiance' recived a job promotion and is now on the road during the week. He calls every night to check on me and the boys. He asks how the youngest ones behavior and tutoring are(he is inattentive ADD) and how the oldest ones grades and baseball are going. Last weekend we took the oldest to get new cleats fiance' bought them, let him pick out new batting gloves and also bought the stuff and helped him with a school project it was like I wasn't even there. He also made sure the youngest had everything he needed for soccer. These things may seem little to some but we are just taking it day by day and step by step.
He called just now is going to be late and is bummed he is going to miss the oldest ones open house for the Iditrod project they made last week. Making progress one baby step at a time.
Heart recipient's body regects heart
Does the title sound familiar?
Even a human body screams "this is not mine"! With the human body, this could be a compatibility issue. With people, its just plain kinship.
Don't expect too much too soon.
Gelling & Defining boundaries are just the first stages of getting to know eachother. Once over that hurdle, the rest should come a lot easier. But it does take time.
I'm interested to know how your kids feel?
You say that your bf won't do things with his daughter either? Hmmm. In your situation I would do some research on the benefits of being an actively involved parent and then perhaps give him the facts at an ideal time chosen by you when he will be receptive.
I just read that here has been progress. That's just awesome!
wisdom, search for it as if searching for gold. ( i buy mine at the jewellery shops, but thats beside the point!)