Help me before I pull all my hair out!
Hi. I stumbled upon this website and am hopeful this will help me in dealing with my boyfriend's son. I love my boyfriend very much. We've been together about 2 years now and live together now. He has a 6 year old son and I have sons aged 17 and 15. His 6 year old seems to have no discipline at all at his house, so when he comes to our house, he is out of control. He has horrible manners - chewing with mouth open, touches everything in the house, wanders in everyone's room, will not listen to my children when they tell him to leave their stuff alone, etc. The list goes on and on.... I've spoken with my boyfriend about it and he does work on some things, but I understand - he does not want to spend his entire weekend with his son on his case, but at this rate, the child is going to be severely out of control as he gets older. My children and I are absolutely miserable when he comes over. He hardly touches his regular food when we have meals, but begs for sweets and stuff afterwards. I rarely give him any, but his dad does. He has tried asking me and when I say no, asking his dad. Luckily, I've caught him the last couple times. This is a touchy topic for my boyfriend as he misses his son terribly and is touchy about anything negative about his son. He terrorizes and bullies other kids his own age so nobody really wants to play with him. He screams and yells inside - just creating a wild and crazy atmosphere when we are used to things much more subdued. This last visit, he begged his dad to sleep with us. When he said no, he went on to bed in the usual way, but kept coming to our room every hour until his dad slept in the room with him. This is ridiculous and I just don't know what else to do or what advice to give my own children on how to deal with him. I don't want him in my room at all because he is so touchy and has no respect for other people's things or privacy. Any suggestions out there? I'm all open to any ideas!
This kid has issues..
it sounds to me like he is cryin gfor attention in any way. Maybe he is trying to get his daddies attention anyway he can. I am sure it is a very different situation for you and yours.
Maybe tell your BF to take his son and spend alone time with him when he is there. Just to maybe get him to open up and tell his dad if something is bothering him..
Maybe you could sit down with him and talk to him one on one.
I am just throwing these out here.
Family Meeting....
I would sit down with everyone and say that we are going to have a family meeting to discuss the rules and what is expected of everyone, as well as get everyone's feedback of the new situation. Go over the rules, what is allowed, what is not allowed, general courtesy is required from and for everyone in the family. Explain you and your BF understand that this is a new situation and it will take time for everyone to adjust. You and your BF love all of them and want them to be happy. If they need to discuss anything with you or your BF, feel free to bring it up. After that, when things arise, tell the future SS to "please close your mouth when you chew". "You don't want to see what's in my mouth do you when I eat"... If he keeps doing it. Show him what's it like. Your BF should follow suit, or more appropirately, take the lead in getting your future SS to start behaving. He is probably uncomfortable in the new situation to some degree. Its not really his house, there are two other kids there, he is the youngest. Guidance and kindness and then discipline when necessary. It may be tough, but if you can get through this part, it will get easier. Otherwise, it will get worse.
Your BF under no circumstances should leave your bedroom and sleep with him. This will set up a pattern for the future and the boy will want and expect it to happen again and again.
I very much understand what you are saying about your BF not wanting to spend every minute on his son's case about his behavior when he isn't there very much. I experience this with my husband when his SD arrives for her visits. While she is mostly well-mannered and a good girl, she is insecure and somewhat jealous at times. Dad also has a GIANT case of what someone yesterday called "Perfect Princess Syndrome" or something to that effect. She does nothing wrong in his eyes. It can be tough, and its such a sensitive topic - someone else's kids. You need to do your best to open your BF's eyes to the situation. We are to be their parents, not necessarily their friends. Kids need structure and guidance and when they don't have that, they will go way outside the boundaries. There is a great book I read call Stepmotherhood. The information is in another blog. Its a FABULOUS book. Very helpful. Good luck!
i'm no genius, but...
i can really relate to a lot of your feelings and can tell you how I am attempting to deal with my BF's daughters, who I happen to think are the spoiled apples of their daddy's eyes!
It sounds like you have a regular, pain-in-the-a**, 'untrained' seven year old kid to deal with. He is rude and noisey and disrespectful and has no sense of privacy or of 'grown up space'. The good news is that he doesn't actually sound pathalogical!! Just the product of bad parenting (in what I imagine was a really bad family dynamic). Teaching him respect and boundaries dhould not be your job, but I'm afrais that some of it is going to fall on you.
Again...more good news-you mention that your BF has made some attempts to deal with the situation in the past, which means that he either 'get's it' and wants his child to behave, or equally wonderful, he RESPECTS YOU and your role in this situation, which puts you in a very powerful position here.
I, too, have two boys, and my BF lives in my home and brings his girls to visit. They are rude to my kids (boys are 3 and 5), rude to their father and (less and less) rude to me. I have been the heavy in the relationship, and my BF has done his best to respect my tactics. I have gone as far as to say to BF (sternly, and with an index finger in the air...as if talking to a child, in fact) "you watch me and you learn. Your kids will NOT disrespect me, they will not disrespect YOU, and they will NOT treat my children this way!"
These girls just open the master bedroom door (they are 7 and 10, BTW) as they please (dad has since trained them to knock on the door), get onto my computer without asking and whine constantly. These girls just might be a deal-breaker, which is why I came looking for a sight like this (thank god i found you guys)!!
The girls also want their dad to sleep with them, and I find myself being left alone (often early in the morn) while he lays with his girls, trying to 're-connect'. They ar egetting older, and I think that it is not only unfair to me, but a little creepy (did any of you guys out there sleep in bed with your dad when you were 10 years old and beginning to go through puberty? A digression, I know, so thanks for indulging me)...
I called the other night (I'm out of town right now) to learn that he had let the girls had slept in MY bed with him! I made it very clear that my bed was my sanctuary and that he better make sure that that never happens again. So as for the sleeping with daddy stuff, I'm not sure what to say, except for the kid's anxiety is probably legit and the dad probably needs to comfort him on an 'as needed' basis for a little while, but never to actually sleep there with him!
I like the idea of family 'sit down and get clear' kinds of roundtables, but I think that the parents need to get everything pretty much resolved between themselves privately before that can happen. This alone takes a lot of time, patirnce and effort (and if you ar elike me, is usually followed by a few stiff cocktails)!
I don't know that this is the 'healthiest' way to go, but at this point, I have decided that the best way for me to cope is to alternatee my visitation for opposite weekends. This frees me up to run to the hills (or even just to my neighbor's house) on weekends that his daughters are visiting. It keeps me from loosing my cool around them (though I do plenty of that when they are not around) and gives his a chance to (hopefully) realize how hard it is to take care of two children. I keep saying "they are here to see YOU, not ME"...
The downside (as my wise shrink has pointed out) is that they might just get a bit too cozy in my home, and may get used to not having to share their daddy with me! She fears that I may, in fact, be training them to behave badly so that they can get rid of me!! Well, so has a great point, but wouldn't it be grand we could all just avoid eachother??!! (smirk)
GOOD LUCK! we ar eright here to support you : )
Anxiety
Thank you for your comments. At least I'm not alone in all this - but it definitely feels lonely. Luckily, I went on vacation and haven't had to deal with the SS since I wrote in last time, but this coming weekend is "our" weekend and I'm already having serious anxiety!
I like the idea of a family meeting, but not sure I can really bring it up right now since we haven't seen him in so long.
Like you, this has been a potential deal-breaker in the past as I actually broke things off a couple times last year because of this child. I never said that was the reason, but sometimes it's just too much. I always suggest (everytime he's over), that my BF takes him out just the two of them - maybe the park or Chucky Cheese or something, but he doesn't.
So, today is Thursday and I've already started feeling all worked up and on guard and he usually doesn't come over until Saturday morning. Isn't it ridiculous to feel this way every single time? I just keep hoping the kid will stop all the madness and just behave, but knowing the environment he lives in on a regular basis, I don't see that happening. I just keep holding onto hope and then finding things to do to be really busy when he comes over.
My x & I split when my son
My x & I split when my son was 6 so I remember that age well. In the beginning..Both of my kids "tested" the boundaries..with my hubby especially. We heard the "Your NOT MY DAD" words, the tears..etc. BUT we had house rules...and at times he was the "adult in charge"..when I was at work and they had to buck up!! WE stuck to them and didn't relax our expections because we felt sorry for them..consistancy actually builds self-confidence & self esteem in children. It might help him socially as well..since he's having difficulties in that area as well....
Don't set the pattern for negative attention...
He may be going through alot emotionally himself but postive attention and learning respect for everyone and having conscequences for bad behaviour...is more necessary now than ever.
I like the idea of a family meeting so everyone knows the rules..and expectations and punishments..if required. Cause & Effect.
My kids always knew what..action resulting in a grounding..and what action resulted in a time-out..and what action resulted in PS2 or TV gone.
Can you phrase your discussions regarding SS in a way that hubby won't get defensive? (I chuckle with sarcasm..typing that line..giving what's up with me lately.) But seriously..this kid is younger and patterns aren't as well established. What if you got him to read some parenting books? Do you guys get "Nanny 911" or "Super Nanny" where you are... I love those shows!!!!! These women are miricle workers.... Maybe you could watch a couple together and it'll open things up for discussion concerning SS..