Without knowing how your SS acts in relation to your wife, I can't really give good advice. There are some women who just don't like kids, but that doesn't seem to be the issue here; I doubt she's some schitzophrenic who likes kids when your BD is around her and then suddenly hates them when your SS is around, which tells me there is something more there.

And yes, it could be that she is simply unable to separate her feeling for your ex from her feeling for her son, but that seems a bit of a stretch, too, as what I gather from your post is that there is only one "ex" involved, and again, why would it affect *only* her feeling for your son and not your daughter?

So, based on what minimal amount of information I have here, I'd have to side with your wife. *Something* is going on between her and your adopted son. Start really examining his behavior.

1) Does he speak to her with respect?
2) Does he ignore her presence unless forced to acknowledge it?
3) Is he expected to treat her as an authority figure, or have you effectively made her his peer?

There are more questions and things to look for, and perhaps some other members will be able to help me here. I would also suggest getting some type of voice activated recording device and not telling your adopted son it's there. Sometimes, you don't realize how disrespectful someone is being in the moment, but when you go back and listen to it later, you're gobsmacked at how bad it really is. Also, there is the distinct possibility that your son treats her one way in your presence, but in a totally different manner when your out of the room, out of earshot, at work, etc.

Another thought that comes to mind is finances. I'm certainly not advocating that your share your financial status with a bunch of internet strangers, but stand back and try to look at if from your wife's perspective. If finances are tight, or even just tight enough that she cannot afford for the baby what she'd like, she may resent your adopted son because of that.

You will never get her to understand how you feel about your adopted son. You adopted him; she did not. Do not try to force a close relationship between these two people. Instead, recognize that a respectful, civil relationship may be all she is capable of toward your son (and that he may not even be giving that in return), and that you can no more change her feelings than she can change yours.

He's your child, you love him, she needs to accept that. It has nothing to do with his BM. Although it is important that he respect your wife.

Sometimes, SMs feel that unless a child is YOURS biologically it is NOT really your child. Of course, in this case, YOU love this boy as if he were your own and for that you deserve a round of applause. He is lucky to have you.
I think you need to take him to a child psychologist so you can get help on telling him the truth. He needs to know and he needs to hear it from YOU and no one else. Your wife needs to back the fuck off, this is your son and she better get used to it or get off the pot. Do not allow her to ever treat him differently, of course, make sure he is respectful of her as well.

I think your wife is going through a lot of negative emotions that are in all actuality generated from the EX wife instead of SS but is directed towards SS.

Let me explain.

BM in my situation is rude, crude, a partier, manipulative and is a cheater. I do not understand how that DH ever loved her much less married her but he did.

BM knows how to use DH, she knows how to manipulate DH and she gets her way a lot with DH. DH is not sure that SSstb18 is his but he told me that he accepted him as his son and in his eyes he will always be his son.

SS acts alot like his mother and I cannot stand her. BM manipulates DH and DH caters to her. Sometimes DH acts like he is more concerned about pleasing her or her feelings than mine, same with SS. SS is learning the tricks of the trade from her. She has done several things to prove to me that she still has a relationship and has control over DH. Some of them worked some didn't but none the less they still have constant communication and are trying to remain friends for the sake of their child. (HOGwash)

Anyway, I have had some real problems with SS and the way he acted towards me which I am sure he picked up alot of his behaviour from his mother. Well, that is what DH says anyway.

I got to where I literally could not stand the boy. He moved in with BM last year which has helped tremendously.

Sometimes it is hard to love or even like someone that reminds you of someone else that you despise, cannot get along with or that gives you alot of grief. Which all of that discribes BM.

SS moving out was the best thing because now I can actually think maybe eventually things will change between us.

I will admit there was a part of me that resented DH taking care and LOVING a child that he wasn't even sure was his. But DH is crazy about SS and eventually I have to look past my issues and realize that to DH he is his son.

Now I am in a place that I can accept and have some feelings for SS but I still cannot stand BM.

I hate it when she calls and whines to DH. She always tries to get the conversation to them or their past or HER and what is going on with her life and it infuriates me. She is just a manipulater.

I hope and pray that eventually DH will break all ties with BM.

I can deal with SS but I cannot deal nor do I want to deal with BM the rest of my life.

My suggestion is to step back and instead of focusing on what your wife sees wrong with your SS instead look at your relationship with your EX.

Do you give into her? Does she manipulate you? After all you are raising her child for her.

Do you have constant communication with her? How many times a day or week do you talk to her? Are you trying to be friends with her "for the sake of the child"?

Is there ways that you could limit the conversation with your EX? Did you take up for your EX when her and your wife got in the arguments?

Do you constantly make excuses for your EX's behaviour?

Do you give into her demands?

Sorry for the long post but these are my suggestions. Oh, and don't be so stubborn that you cannot see that you need to make some changes for the sake of your marriage.

Actually OP, you aren't the only one in this type of situation. I think there are a couple of posters on here who are SMs who are in this same situation.

One poster, I can't remember her name, but her DH is doing the same thing OP you are doing, in caring for a kid from his ex wife's affair. In her situation, the kid is a different race from the DH, so it's even more obvious that the kid isn't his. Hopefully those posters will comment on this thread, but I think it boils down to not so much that the kid isn't biologically yours, it's that the kid has behavior problems.

I think I could deal with a kid that wasn't my BF's biological, IF that kid was a sweetheart. It's a lot harder to deal with a kid that's a brat, AND isn't even your SO's flesh and blood.

I also agree that at some point you need to let your adopted son know the truth, if nothing else than so he can know his medical history.

I also think it boils down to the behavior rather than biology. You said he ignores her sometimes--and that may be how he deals with his SM. No one likes to be ignored in their own house, period. You wouldn't allow a guest to ignore (you might, but you'll think they're plain rude) so why would you let your child?

I was taught to greet everyone when I entered a room, family or not, at all times. It was common courtesy. Even on the few times now that I "forget", my parents will remind me immediately, and I'm married! The job of a parent is really never done.

I'm a little confused, so forgive me if I'm going to come across as an idiot! The child you refer to as SS - you mentioned also that you adopted him or never questioned paternity? So he's legally your son? If that's the case I'm just wondering why you refer to him as SS.

Well first of all - Do you think you really understand how your wife feels?

Two things are just pretty natural:

1. Most women do not want to raise another woman's child. (even if their DH is the bio dad)
2. Nobody likes being used.

Perhaps she thinks that your first wife is a POS who used and abused you and now SHE has to be around to pick up the pieces. It's only natural to resent that someone else made a terrible mistake and that she now has to pay the price.

I have some of those feelings toward SS27 who was born from a ONS years after DH's divorce from BM. They were both so stupid to use no BC and this cretin resulted. Now SS is a cretin - amazingly good looking but a worthless drunk bum. I have him hanging around my life because of their stupidity.

Some kids are different an I don't think not saying good morning upon waking is abnormal. My skids walk around like zombies for a few hours. I think your wife has an issue with the BM and how he was concieved that radiates over into the relationship.

She needs to respect your love and commitment to him. Period.

She's probably resentful of the fact that this kid is the result of BM cheating on you and you wanted to work it out with her, regardless. That sends the message to your wife that the ex must've been pretty darned special. If I cheated on my man and got knocked up in the process, he would tell me to take a hike. End of story.

Maybe she sees your SS as only your ex's kid and doesn't feel she owes that kid anything-like love, acceptance, or whatever. And now that you have a 14 month old together, she thinks you have to put up with her shit. A lot of women think that after they have a baby with their husband, there's no way he could leave her-and the baby, so she walks all over everyone.
If I were you, I would schedule an appointment with a counselor, tell him/her what's going on and follow professional advice. And your wife-well she's an adult, so she just needs to buck up. Not the kid's fault his mom cheated on you. Not his fault you remarried. Not his fault you chose not to tell him about his biological father. This kid's already been screwed over enough. Can't your wife see that?

Wait to tell him. If you grow up knowing you're adopted is one thing. It's a fact the kid has always known. Telling him now, just as you are starting a new family is quite another. Might make him feel you're going to leave him again. Don't make it an issue with him. He may already know and is just holding on.

Without DNA are you sure he's not yours?

However, this child is a walking symbol of your ex-wife jerking you around and you taking it. That, combined with the every-day push and pull struggle between BM and SM that goes on, really puts the cherry on the top of the cake.

^^^^ EXACTLY!!!

Well put dog person......that's kinda what I was trying to say!