His, mine and ours - full time! PLEASE HELP! (Long post sorry!)
Hi everybody! I am so thankful to have finally stumbled upon a space where I can beg for help and insight!
So here goes...
I met my DH when my DD was just a year old. His DS was 10 and DD was 4 at the time. We hit it off instantly and I can honestly say that he is my soulmate and the love of my life. We married quite soon after meeting but we made time beforehand to 'plan' our strategy around our 'new family' as we knew that we needed a united front, to be fair, blah blah blah.
A lot of water under the bridge later and I am now at the point where I am crying almost everyday (without DH knowing) and ready to just say "Whatever". I really do not want another divorce. I love my husband but I also love my DD and I really believe that I am not being unreasonable in what I am asking for.
A quick background on DH and his kids:
DH and BM split up when his DD was 2 and his DS8. BM had an affair and moved out, at that stage wanting nothing to do with her kids. DH finally filed for divorce and got full custody of both kids. BM tried to commit suicide one in front of SS when he was about 6. When I met DH, both kids were still sleeping in the bed with him. He still bathed, dressed, poured juice (into sippy cup), prepared cereal, brushed her teeth, everything, for SD which was 4 already. When we went for a walk around the block SD had to be pushed in a stroller as she "is small and gets tired". SD and SS bathed together and DH had to sit with them while they bathed. The TV was ALWAYS set on Cartoon Network, he went to bed with them at 19h30, read stories till 20h00 and then had to stay with them until they both were asleep. They are both very docile kids and will watch tv the whole day if permitted. When I eventually started staying over, SS (10 years old at the time) NEGOTIATED with DH that he will sleep - in bed with SD - until 4am and will then sleep with us. SD and SS slept in the same bed until I finally put my foot down at the start of the year as he is almost 13 years old! Both kids - even now - sleep with 'sleep blankies' and with night-lights on. At that stage I was just in total disbelief at the situation and thought it to be just a phase. He has never ever disciplined them, he does not even raise his voice to them. When we met, he bought them toys, books really expensive things - EVERY DAY. They dictated what, when, where and how. In hindsight, I should have had these HUGE LOUD alarm bells go off...but alas
A quick background on me and DD:
My ex husband an I got divorced when DD was 3 months old. He has some emotional problems and moved away 'in search of himself' immediately after our divorce. I did not hear a peep from him in about 9 months, and when I did it was just to curse at me for leaving him. She didn't have any time with him during that time and when she met my DH she quickly bonded with him. Please bear in mind that she was just a year old at that stage. When we moved in with them she was moved into her own room, and slept in her own cot. She has never slept in bed with me, though I did rock her to sleep as she had very severe colic. I now read her a story at 19h30 and then sing a nursery rhyme or two with her before turning off the light and she falls asleep. She still has a dummy and only sucks it at bed time. She is a very busy child and she's always on the move. She is a little head-strong but I have had her at a psychologist (SD and SS regularly go to the psych as DH feels that they need to be heard and checked that they are ok, because of what they have been through?!). The psych said that she is a typical 2 year old (at the time), she is very advanced for her age with a strong personality and might seem difiant but she is actually just looking for a little more attention.
I have had a talk with DH probably every three months since we've been married about the same things and it is just getting worse by the day. He is extremely strict with DD. To put it into perspective, I compared the following things to him about a week ago, as he just doesn't seem to get it - or care.
- She still has a dummy at bed time - which he critisizes and belittles her about. SD and SS sleep with night lights and blankies to this day.
- She has to keep up when we go for a walk cos she is not a baby - SD was still being pushed around in a stroller 3 months ago (at the age of 6!!!)
- She got up after bed time a week or so ago as she had been visiting her dad and must have been a bit unsettled. He immediately sternly told her to "GO TO BED" - They slept IN HIS BED till about 18 months ago
- She must bath, dry and dress herself when I am away on a business trip, because she is "old enough to do it herself" - he still bathes SD when I am not there, because of her little "Daddyyy pleeeeeeease helpies me". I went in to give her a kiss when I got back from a business trip recently and the poot thing had her PJ's buttons all mixed up and her pants the wrong way round. SHE IS 3
There is a whole host of other comparisons that can be drawn.
Anyhoo, these days the only time he speaks to her is when he's reprimanding. When he comes home she runs to him "Daddy daddy" (she called him that out of her own when she was still a baby)...he doesn't even acknowledge her but smiles and yells hello sweatheart, hello my big boy and hugs and kisses them, It really breaks my heart. When she goes to say goodnight, they don't even look up - just say good night. I can see his jaw clench if she so much as just be in his presence. The other kids treat her real bad - the psych told me that SS told her in session that he HATES my daughter. SS even told me once taht everything was fine until SHE showed up. I have tried begging, pleading, yelling...DH just doesn't seem to understand how much this is hurting me.
I do everything for his kids. He even acknowledges it himself, that they love me and that he doesn't know what they'll do without me. I am always kind, I do their school projects with them, buy them clothes, attend school events, praise them and I make sure to always hug and kiss them whenever they are all together. I try to ALWAYS be fair - to the detrement of DD, as she gets treated exactly as they are because I am super aware of not wanting to favour anyone. Why should I still do that though? My poor child is scared of DH because he always fights with her. She so desperately wants to play with the other kids but always gets shunned. In their minds she cannot do anything right and it is really affecting her. She is suddenly very clingy, she cries easily, acts out at times. I really feel like crying.
DH is being exactly the same to our DS as he is to his kids, which is making the situation worse as it is now a clear 'us' and 'her' situation. DH just says I am too soft on her and she manipulates me. When he told that to the psych and I commented that SD also manipulates him, he replied "But she is my daughter and a dad should do that". There are just so many things, I don't know where to start and where to end. He sees nothing wrong with the other kids and nothing right with her.
I just want him to be fair but he doesn't get it. He says she gets under his skin and irritates him. She doesn't listen. She annoyes the other kids because she's always in their way. He says he'll try harder, and then he doesn't. we agree that the house rules should count for everyone. On Saturday, my DD wanted to play outside but he yelled at her to go inside because "it's cold", ten minutes later SS was outside. When I confronted him about it, he said "he just wanted to ride his bike"...
WHAT DO I DO!?!?!
Thank you for listening.
xx
I ask him why he is so horrible to her when he knew I had a daughter when we met and he liked her and agreed to always be fair.
Start treating his kids the
Start treating his kids the way he treats yours. Then when he complains point it out.
I know it maybe makes an even bigger issue, and kids are not at fault..blah blah blah. But him and his kids treat your 3yo daughter like crap. Return the favour. You have nothing to lose.
Your daughter may grow up insecure, instable young lady because of THEM.
Kids feel, even at age 3.
She knows already.
Sometimes im in favour for eye for an eye.. if you catch my drift.
Why are you keeping your
Why are you keeping your daughter in that situation?
I understand you love your husband but he is mistreating your child and allowing his kids to do the same.
I have an opinion on your
I have an opinion on your situation, but most here will not like it. You said that when you came in the picture, you told your DH that he was raising his kids wrong and you had him change everything about that household to fit what you saw, as “the right way”. Maybe he resents that a bit and is directing his anger at your DD….?
No excuse, but that may be why. I am sure he sees it that you claimed his kids are dysfunctional, yet he thinks you are doing the same with your DD. You complain about what his did with his DD when she was 4, yet you still do some of that with your DD when she is 3. He may resent that you did that.
I always try and see both sides here, and I do see his side. BUT, not to the extent of him being an ass to your kid. If he can’t get over it, there will be no way you will be able to raise that child around him. It is to damaging to the kid. Good luck.
Start treating his kids the
Start treating his kids the way he treats yours. Then when he complains point it out.
I know it maybe makes an even bigger issue, and kids are not at fault..blah blah blah. But him and his kids treat your 3yo daughter like crap. Return the favour. You have nothing to lose.
Your daughter may grow up insecure, instable young lady because of THEM
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I completely disagree with this. You need to leave before you start trying to make his kids, insecure, and unstable!!
I understand it's not the
I understand it's not the best strategy, but sometimes people only realize how harmful something is when it's done to them. That's the only way some people "get it" unfortunately. It's obvious that counseling isn't helping so another tactic needs to be employed.
"I understand it's not the
"I understand it's not the best strategy, but sometimes people only realize how harmful something is when it's done to them."
"them" isn't and should not be the kids though. If DH is being an ass and you can't leave him, then take it out on him, I guess....?
If this is damaging your child, and you think DH will not get it, the sooner you leave the situation, the better. Your little girl should not pay the price for you two wanting to stay together no matter what, nor should she pay this kind of price, so that the child you two have together can live with the both of you.
You know your DH better than any of us can have any clue about, so really be honest with yourself if you think he will ever get it or change toward your daughter. The answer to that should guide your actions, no matter how difficult. And I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation.
I would say stop doing so
I would say stop doing so much for the stepkids. Stop helping so much with all their school projects, etc and let Daddy do it for them. You may also need to have a serious "Coming to Jesus" talk with your DH. You need to let him know what is and what is NOT acceptible and you will not put up with it any longer, PERIOD. No matter how much he tries to bitch and moan, just put your foot down. No more. If daughter wants to do something like go outside and play, take her outside yourself. Don't let her miss out on things just because DH is being an ass sometimes.
I agree with frustrateddad. I
I agree with frustrateddad. I know that it is harsh but it seems that some people only get it when it is done to them. I had to do it a few times to my dh and it never lasted too long before he got it.
I wouldn't do a thing for his kids NOTHING!! That means every time they need or want something tell them to go to their dad no matter what it is even food. When your dh asks tell him why. Keep repeating til he gets it or shuts up. But your dd doesn't deserve this and you are the only one there that can protect her so do it.
I personally think your main
I personally think your main concern here should firstly be your child and how this is affecting her, and really how your DH's behaviour is affecting your marriage.
Your DD is only 3 and sees this man as her father, yet he is obviously rejecting her, bullying her, and she is the "odd one out" of the three children. I can appreciate, being a stepmother, how hard it must be for your DH to see, feel and perhaps treats your DD exactly like his own biological children - just as you feel differently about your own skids - however this doesnt excuse the extent of his behaviour one bit.
I think your DD needs you, DH's behaviour is badly affecting her and obviously making her feel insecure, sad and confused because she doesnt understand why he is treating her like this
Its heartbreaking to hear this.
I think while your efforts with his own children are admirable I do think you need to reassess YOUR priorities. Right now your child needs her mother to love and protect her, that is your responsibility. So start redressing that balance of time, effort and energy you are putting into your skids and DH, and place this with your DD and ofcourse your DS. This isnt about revenge, hurting or getting back at your DH through his children, but about ensuring you arent neglecting DD to her detriment (particularly no given she is having issues and needs her mother, after all she only has you - your skids have their father to take responsibility for them) because you are trying to be *fair* in how you treat all the children. I am not trying to criticise you, or say you are neglecting your DD, but if you continue as you are then sadly I think you may be going down that road, albeit you are doing so for the right reasons (being a fair and good stepmother).
I do agree somewhat that also subsequently your DH needs to realise how much he is taking advantage of your great mothering skills - he is expecting so much of you, and you are delivering. Yet, he is spectacularly failing your much younger child. How can he sleep at night knowing he is causing a toddler so much confusion and pain, I genuinely am baffled and disgusted!! I would clearly state to him, that seeing as he is causing your child problems with his bullying ways and has refused all your attempts to reasonably make him see what is happening, that you are going to have to concentrate more on her - as she is YOUR child. Seriously, I would be furious with him. Sorry, know thats not helpful, but what he is doing is wrong.
So stop doing. Disengage. Plough some love and light back into your little girl's life and get some advice from some professionals. I also think you may have to seriously consider your options should your DH continually resist changing. I am certainly not suggesting he can and should worship your DD - no stepparent should be told or forced to love their stepchild if they cant. I think you probably already appreciate all of this and I am assuming from what you have said, that all you want is for your DH to treat DD with respect, fairness, to protect and care for her. Right now, hes doing the complete opposite of this and is in fact victimising a 3 yr old. If he cant even try his damndest to do this (and not saying hes not going to make some mistakes, we all have) and not ill treat your DD, then you have to ask can you live with that? Can you live with the fact your DD may grow up with major issues, including with her stepsiblings and maybe her brother, because your DH has actively recruited his children in the bullying of DD too (your DS maybe influenced by how he treats DD due to the example DH is setting)?
If you can't, then you have nothing to lose. When you get to the point where you have to consider leaving DH in order to protect your innocent child, and that will be HARD, then why not start controlling the only thing you can? Your own behaviour and how you are reacting? As from where I am sitting, your pleading is not working. DH doesnt want to listen, so save your energy to fight this. Change can be made by us, by how we react and enable others. The fact DH doesnt have any consequences to his shitty behaviour is one reason he may not need to change - so as I said, reassess your priorities. He acts like a shit? Then, sorry you withdraw your children and protect them. That means you dont have time for his children as your children's needs are trumping theirs? Tough, DH knows he needs to change and personally that imo also means counselling. He needs to hear how wrong he is acting, that while you dont expect him to perhaps ADORE DD you DO expect the minimum what you are providing his children. Counselling will also get him to see how badly he is parenting his own children, help mesh the family together, get you guys happier as husband and wife. So that may mean, marriage and family counselling.
Perhaps on top of the nothing to lose philosophy, you may wish to consider issuing an ultimatum. Counselling or its over. If I was backed into a corner and had nothing left to lose, then I would do these things. Ultimatums, are scary and shouldnt always be endorsed BUT when it comes to the crunch, sometimes they are warrented. Its better than this misery and perhaps years to come, realising what your inaction has also resulted in - enabling DH, and an emotionally abused daughter.
Good luck.
Hi everyone, Thank you so
Hi everyone,
Thank you so very much for all your insights! It has givem me a new perspective to some of the things. We had another argument over the weekend which ended with DH telling me that I am more than welcome to leave should I really things are truly that horrible. He immediately said that it didn't come out the way he meant it but merely meant that he didn't want me to be in a situation I would rather not be and that he doesn't know what to do anymore. I've however taken a lot from that and have decided to no longer be the skids' 'mother figure'. He can raise them and if they turn out to be washouts - it will be on him. I will no longer have my own children bare the brunt of his and his brats' behaviour. I will keep you all posted and shout if I feel like crying.
Thanks!!