How to deal with difficult kids who don't appreciate their amazing dad
Hi,
This is my first time EVER posting something on an online forum. I guess I've just reached my wit's end...
I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. He started to divorce when we met, but it was because of over 10 years abuse from his ex, and not because I encouraged him to leave her. He suffered unexplainable harassment and cruelty from her, and always sheltered the kids from it and never said a bad word against her. Since he left, his ex still insults him, harasses him, takes advantage of him, and badmouths him to the kids. She also tells them complete lies about him, and me too (for instance, making them afraid of using our towels at home because I supposedly had a sexually transmitted disease....)
However, his kids (now 9 and 12) have taken it all in and I'm sure believe me to be the home wrecker that she constantly says I am. They also constantly act how they believe him to be the one who "deserted" them. The thing that I have the most problem with is that they do what their mother does and make fun of him and take him for granted -- when he is the best, most devoted, patient and loving father I have EVER seen. All they do is grab whatever he cooks for them, snatch whatever he buys for them, and then return the favor by insulting and hurting him.
He loves them so much, and I can't stand seeing him hurt by their lack of love and appreciation. I'm not related to him, yet I'M the one trying to make them see what a wonderful person and father he is! When I suggest that we all make a birthday card for him, they aren't even interested (let alone think of doing something for his birthday by themselves). He's kind, intelligent, successful, thoughtful - a better father than most anybody could have, and yet he's stuck with these two uncompassionate spoiled kids who have him figured all wrong.
He spends most afternoons after school with them, and we have them every weekend through Tuesday morning. It's a lot of time with them. I wish the four of us could enjoy spending time together, and I try so hard. But what I get in return makes me not want to even see them, let alone do things together.
My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married, and I really want to. I can't imagine my life without him - when I first saw him, it was the classic West Side Story scene where time froze and I realized I'd found my soul mate. I want my own kid with him, and I want to grow old together.
I just don't know how to deal with the sourness of the crazy ex still harassing him (multiple times a day) and the kids (always feeling like I have to defend him against them, his own blood).
I doubt there's any answer, let alone an easy answer. But today his daughter wrote a poem called "Fractures and Fragments" (none of which is true about him) for school, which has him numb and hurting, and me SO mad. I want to defend him, but when I do, he gets more upset because he feels pulled between me and his kids. And no way could I ever say anything to his kids, or they'd go running off to their mother and she'd get us buried in yet another legal mess (not to mention other crazy things - you name it, she's tried it, legal or illegal)..
What do I do, how do I handle this with compassion while still being true to how bitter I feel, how I wish it was just me and my boyfriend...?
I feel you. This is like
I feel you. This is like reading my sad little life from a few years ago.... only now SSs are 17 and 12 and only come over every other weekend instead of 50/50 because they have been almost completely PASd. It will NOT get better and you cannot say anything to the kids to "make them realize" anything. If they ever do, it will be when they are well past adulthood and will see their amazing father for who he is. Not what BM said he was. Unfortunately for the time being, we just sit here, shake our heads and take the sucker punches with a gritted smile. My advice for you? Disengage. It will still piss you off once in awhile, but hopefully won't bother you as much. Just tell BF he's a great dad and if he ever needs to talk, you're there. Good luck!
Im surprised by your
Im surprised by your comments...if your SO has them as much as you say he does them surely you have the children far more than their mother. Get SO to parent them and stop the snatching and grabbing. This is down to him not bm.
Every weekend until tuesday??? Use that time to bond and build relationship but SO must take the lead amd control.
This situation will probably
This situation will probably not change. Mothers who behave this way and alienate their kids against the father pretty much ALWAYS win. That powerful maternal bond (and influence) is virtually impossible to overcome, no matter how old the kids are. Even if kids recognize it when they get older, it's still hard for them to go against whatever their dear, manipulative mother wants.
Take it from someone who both experienced AND watched maternal PASing first-hand. It never gets better even when the skids become adults. The impact of it can be horrific and life-altering. It is NEVER ever a good outcome when one parent teaches the kids to hate/ignore/disrespect the other parent.
It is the psychological equivalent of telling a kid to willingly chop off their own arm or leg. Kids are the product of both parents, and teaching them to hate one of them is teaching them to hate themselves.
If you think not wanting to make a birthday card is bad, wait to see what happens when these same kids get exposed to the wider world and need to start making choices. This does not bode well for the future, and you should expect that issues like substance abuse, early pregnancies, terrible relationships and other negative outcomes might be the norm. The problems will get bigger as the kids get older.
The pain you are seeing your BH experience will continue on until he dies. The kids have already been painted with BM's alienation brush, and that sh!t doesn't usually rub off - even with intensive counseling.
Good luck. What you are experiencing today is just a hint of what's to come.