I am somewhat in the same boat...my DH and I will talk things over and he will tell me he will tell her one thing and then he goes and gives in to her...I just don't understand the hold the EW's have on our DH's...My DH was supposed to tell the cow one thing and before I know it he is giving in to her again like he always does...I am just so confused right now...I love my DH but to be honest I am losing respect for him...and I don't know how to tell him that...any thoughts?

I think my sons' SM struggles with this one too, but she's getting better. My exH and I are friends. I have no desire to be more than that with him EVER. I look at him, or talk to him now and I can't believe we were ever married, because we are so different. EXCEPT when it comes to our kids. There he and his wife disagree and have tons of blended family issues.

He and I agree on the boys. It was the only thing we ever agreed to easily when we were married. Then when I left, and he remarried right away, he started latching onto her views of how we should raise our kids. That was problematic.

I learned very quickly to choose my battles wisely, and make sure they were about what was best for the kids. Then I would dig my heels in completely, only when absolutely necessary.

There were two instances that were constant conflicts for me. One was that though my exH and I both smoked during our marriage (I was off and on due to pregnancy and nursing when I didn't smoke for years, then because he was still smoking, I would start back up.) Anyway, we never smoked in the house once we had kids. He would go to the garage in the winter, on the porch in the summer. Our sons, 5 and 2 when we divorced, had no clue we even smoked, and I intended to keep it that way, reading up on stats regarding illness, ear infections, and kids ending up as smokers if they saw their parents smoking.

As soon as she moved in, he started smoking in front of the boys. I would pick them up and they would reek. If I did smoke in the house in the winter, I shut the door to my den, opened a window and blew the smoke out. BUT I never did it til they were upstairs on the other side of the house and asleep. My sons didn't know until recently that I ever smoked. I'm proud of that.

She told him I was just a hypocrite, and he passed that along to me. I know it came from her, as he and I totally agreed about smoking before he met her.

Every Dr appt I went to with my younger son, who had raging ear infections constantly, the Dr asked, "Are his dad and SM still smoking around them?" Fortunately, they went to the same Dr, and the Dr addressed it with them every time they came in. FINALLY a few years ago, they both quit.

I just never understood why he flipped on something so important.

The other conflict was the fact that the Kindergarten teacher, hand picked by my ex at the school district he demanded in the divorce, wanted to hold BS 14 back. The preschool teacher had made the same suggestion and we ignored it because she was new. This teacher had 25 years experience. At the meeting, the teacher seemed bent on discussing this with me, because my ex was so adamant that my son was too smart to be held back. The teacher agreed it wasn't an intellectual development issue, it because he needed too much constant direction to finish tasks.

When my ex refused to listen I voiced one concern. I said, "You know, I agree with you that he should be held back. We got divorced over the summer and now he has a whole new step family living with him. That's a lot the year you start elementary school. But I'm worried about how he will feel when his new Sbrother, who's in the same grade, goes forward to first grade and he stays back.

The teacher said, "I thought his teacher was holding him back too." And sort of looked questioningly at exH. He was furious she brought it up. I said, "Well then! That sounds perfect! No one will feel bad then. And of course, if he turns out to be a genius and can skip back up later, we can do that. But if we make a mistake by sending him onto first grade when he's not ready then that's much harder to fix later."

The teacher was very pleased. So much so that she told me a few weeks later on a field trip that the invitation to that conference was for me ONLY, because she heard my ex and SM were not listening to the other K teacher regarding her son, and my son's teacher wanted to talk to me first alone to see what I thought. My ex had seen the letter with my name on it in BS's backpack, took it out and read it, and then called me to tell me about the conference, as though he was invited and letting me know to be nice!

NOW....

I could have gone off for that and would have been right. BUT...instead... I simply put that info away for later, should exH decide to try to override my decision to keep BS back in K again.

Those are only one of the few times I put my foot down.

But it was really hard originally, having another new parent for your kids, when you're doing it alone yourself. She was never on her own as long as I was, and she had FC of her kids and didn't have to do shared parenting. She didn't understand that we both had equal say, equal time with the boys.

AND... she didn't like him not having full control because that's what she was used to.

We still have other problems. Mainly she is very lenient on discipline with her kids, but expects him to hold his to a higher standard. She claims it's the other way around, but I know from talking with both of them, that she is very permissive, and tries to help them fit in through gadgets and clothes. My ex and I don't believe in spoiling kids materialistically.

So things come up.

I guess my long winded point is they always will come up.

And if they want to have this relaxed friendly relationship and it's going to tear you apart, I feel you might be the one suffering yourself. It's a delicate balance. I'm very proud of the friendship I have developed with both my exH and his wife, but it's a struggle to take the high road all the time. I usually do, and then eventually she calms down. She thinks I involve him in decisions about the boys, or my BS 14's issues with attitude too much. She has criticized my DH's parenting to me in an email (as well as my exH's.) I never bite back. Just tell her I don't agree, and we need to agree to disagree for the sake of our friendship.

So...
not sure if all that was enlightening or me just waxing poetic on your post!

But....
figure out what is going to work for you now. I always suggest counseling.

You and your fh need to set, establish and communicate limits first with each other, then him to BM. Then pick your battles- always choosing what's best for the kids over your own ego, BUT not allowing BM to invade your territory. If he's not doing that (and by the sound of your other post he is NOT) then he needs some counseling to help him figure it all out too.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

talk to him tell him your needs if he continues then go you deserve to be happy and yes this does out weigh all the good if it makes you so unhappy even tho he is great you should not be together but id say this is a problem that can be fixed so talk go to counsilling and once you have run out of options then its up to you

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )

What happens in your home most certainly is none of her business... unless her children are or could be impacted by it. If they are, that's her entrée into your home and your life. That will never go away. If he's asking for her opinion on what color y'all should paint your bedroom, though, that's a whole 'nother issue.

I think this one is something that, if you are both willing and able to compromise and establish clear boundaries, can work itself out. And from their POV, it's usually easier to let BM have what she wants than fight her for it, especially if it's not that big of a deal to them. Unfortunately, most husbands and wives are in disagreement over what constitutes a "big" deal.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

it all came to a head over a Dental Card. My DH and I had just discussed the issue the night before about how BM did not NEED the Dental Card as she "insisted". All she needed was the 1-800 # for the Dentist. I had even generously provided her with copies of the ONE card we had.But she very much wanted that card?!?! (I knew if she got her grubby paws on it, we would never EVER see it again) So, I thought that the subject was closed. Imagine my surprise when my dear HD called me at work and TOLD me that BM was coming by MY WORK to pick up the card? WTF?? I LOST IT! I told him very loudly to go F*** himself and her too, I then called her and told her that if she so much as stepped one fat twisted foot on my job's property I would have her arrested for harrassment. She tried to "loud" talk me and tell me that she would just go ahead have the bill sent to us, I told her to go ahead and try, since our signature was not on the permission papers (SD wanted UNNESSESSARY BRACES,to fit in with all her friends and we strongly disagreed, but BM had made that promise to her,and then 3 months down the road, abandoned her AGAIN,and I STILL REFUSED TO PAY, I think her grandmother started paying?!?!, not my problem!)so I told her I would sue her for forgery and any thing else I could come up with! I then called the Dental Clinic and STRONGLY suggested that they know the braces were not OUR idea, and DO NOT SEND ANY BILLS TO US. I ultimitely HAD to take a stand with both DH and his EX. They now know how MUCH (OR LITTLE) I will tolerate. Let's just say my HD has NEVER changed his mind AGAIN after a discussion that results in a aggreement that both of us has made.

hangingin