How do you handle this?
SS12.. doesn't like me.
He has done lots of things to try to undermine our family and the relationship - too many to list and really it's exhausting. He plays the typical step kid manipulation games and lies like no one I have ever met in my life.
His mom is a piece of shit and lives to cause drama.. currently she is in the process of moving an hour away (see my prior posts for full run down of this lovely situation). DH and I can't stand her - loads of reasons, mainly for the crap she feeds her kids and puts them through.
SK12 is also a freaking snoop. He tries to listen to every adult conversation, look at your phone, read your texts.. etc. He thinks he is entitled to this information.
His latest game (started this month) is to try to listen for me to say something negative about his mom. Last week DH and I were talking about how BM misses a lot of SK14's bball games.. and I said "probably because she is drunk at a bar" (this woman got so drunk 8 months ago that she "didn't notice what time it was" -8pm- and her kids had been home alone since after school and had no clue where she was -her phone was dead- DH had to track her down and take the kids for the night) So, needless to say, my comment was justified.. SK12's little snoopy ass just so happened to be right outside our bedroom door and heard it and got pissed. Then last night, DH was driving SK14 to bball game and SK12 was in the car as well. DH was on the phone with me and made the comment "looks like BM is gonna actually be at this game".. I replied in a sarcastic voice "Well tell her hello for me and that I'm so sorry I didn't get a chance to see her." Of course snoopy sk12 starts yelling "she better not be talking bad about MY mom."
Now, I don't make it a habit to bad mouth anyone - let alone their mom, so his all of a sudden sensitivity is unfounded and ass backwards - BM and her sociopath hubby are the ones that do the badmouthing. And SK12 comes over and tries to manipulate DH by telling him what he "heard about stepmom from BM and Sociopath".. ughhhhh
The kid has a big mouth and loves to start drama. I have tried to be kind - the last time I took him somewhere just to be nice, the man at the ice cream shop gave me extra cherries on my sundae.. SK12 accused me of "flirting" with him to get them. I wanted to slap him.
DH says "kill him with kindness".. I can't. I just can't do it anymore.. the kid does not want to like me. He has never liked me and I doubt anything I do will make it happen. SK12 is dead set on finding fault in anything related to me.
DH sees it - he's not blind. He has reprimanded him for his behavior and he has pointed out all the things I do for SK12 repeatedly. He's just as frustrated as I am, so it's not like he is oblivious..
Thoughts?
Ya. I've had something
Ya. I've had something similar, to a degree.
But my answer is more along the lines of:
It's my house and I'll say what I want about anyone I want to. And if you're sensitive about truthful things that get said about your mother, maybe your issue should be with her and her behavior and choices.
Dis engage and don't talk bad
Dis engage and don't talk bad about his mom.
He hated me well before I
He hated me well before I said anything about his mom.. this is just his latest excuse.
I think your DH needs to sit
I think your DH needs to sit down and calmly say, "OK, you are old enough to realize that your mom and stepmomsoon aren't BFFs. I know you love your mom and I know you love me, right?" (Of course, this only works if the skid loves his dad)
"I love you too and I also love stepmomsoon. I expect you to treat stepmomsoon with respect. Just because your mom doesn't like someone, doesn't mean that you have to act out towards them. And she is my GF/wife so it makes ME hurt when you do that because I care about her. Do you want to hurt your dad?"
There is absolutely no way (IMHO) that the SM can do ANYTHING about a child who is acting out because of shit his mom tells him/her.
He unfortunately has had this
He unfortunately has had this talk.. one too many times. Never changes a thing.
I feel bad for the kids.. the hate she is teaching them today, will turn on her tomorrow.
Been there, done that. My
Been there, done that. My ss15 despises me and has for years. He has no reason to despise me and has even told me that a number of times- he just does. Can anyone say PAS? He first started showing signs of disrespect when he was 6 (dh and I got together when he was 1). It really started to worsen at age 9 or so and by age 11 he was Totally done with me. I remember thinking when it got so bad-that it HAD to get better. I mean, it had to, right? This was just some sort of phase. He knows Ive done nothing to be deserving of his "hate"-he admits it-so eventually he'll just get bored with it and quit it, right? No, wrong. That kid has been hell bent and determined to hate me no matter what-nothing I did mattered-I could buy him stuff, do his laundry, take him to games, tell him he's great-I certainly never talked ill of his bm, I could literally be Super Stepmom and it truly made no difference. It didnt matter what tactic or attitde I tried with him-he still hated me.
When I finally realized that-that it wasnt really about ME-as in ME the person-that this is just somthing that ss wanted-it was rather, freeing I guess you could say. I stopped knocking myself out to please someone who wasnt interested. I stopped buying him things, stopped doing household chores for him, never took him anywhere unless dh was present-and even then that was quite rare as I sort of backed out of family gatherings. I spent time with my kiddos when he was around-having a ball and found that it was really quite easy to go about my life. It didnt change anything-he still hates me-but I felt so much better-just sort of accepting it is what it is. He no longer visits for a multitude of reasons so thankfully I dont have to deal with it at all anymore.
If you must discuss the BM,
If you must discuss the BM, try doing it where the skid cant hear. I realize he was hiding out to listen in, but now that you know he does this, just be more careful. Hold the sarcasm. It's not the kids fault his mom is a lush.
Don't talk about his mom at
Don't talk about his mom at all! Even when you think you have privacy. It is rude to SS to hear little digs about his mom.
I know this because I was the victim of little digs by SD to DH - they hurt. Little digs about my BS hurt too.
We (and I) need to keep those little nasty thought in our head.
DO not talk badly about his
DO not talk badly about his mother. It is likely she calls him the man of the house and he feels he has to defend her. Who wants to admit their mother is a drinking loser? Actions speak louder than word and the next time you feel inclined to make a remark bite your tongue. This is his mother and he loves her.
And about your snooper. Start leaving booklets around about boarding school and military school.