He is insecure because he thinks that people (you) judge his parenting negatively because he doesn't have his own kid (experience). He should not be disciplining him at all. His role is to support you in YOUR decisions for your child.

Sorry to hear you had an abusive step dad. Am wondering how yr DH punishes your son & what sets you off about it?

Why not an agreed on list of behavior - consequence beforehand. That way you & the kid know what to expect?

Would be a tough spot to be in. My first step dad was verbally abusive to me too. Just to give you an idea it was bad enough I tried to kill myself by age 6. Now that was extreme over correcting on his behalf. Im sure you don't want your son to feel the way your step dad made you feel but is your DH as harsh as your step dad was with you? All kids need to be corrected at times (adults for that matter too)but you & DH really want to find a healthy balance in doing so. Kids are little people in training.

Have you & your DH done considered doing some counseling together? A professional can not only help you deal with your past but help you better understand appropriate discipline & help your DH to not over discipline.

I understand you would like your DH & son to be friends but they have to know in your family where there place is. Kids do not learn to respect by running the show & without a parent step or bio unable to parent, it will become a problem.

Well in my household, im the step mother of two & a very supportive husband. When the kids are here, they are usually in my care as my DH is at work. He allows me to discipline as I would see fit. I pretty much treat them the way I treat other kids when im babysitting. I remind them to shower, do homework, clean their room or whatever but if they don't, its their dad they get to deal with head on when he gets back. I think the kids do great with that & on our terms, they listen pretty good. My discipline is the parent talk, no kid likes going through the speeches. It is a secure feeling for me that I have my husbands support to punish as I see fit & kids are aware I have their dads support. Being I wait for their dad to do so, I think the kids have respect for me.

Its not easy to parent bio or step kids but it is harder when you do not feel you have any rights as a parent figure. I would never want to be a step parent other than to my DH kids cause him & I work together like a real team.

Hope some of these pointers may be of help for you.

This is great advice "Why not an agreed on list of behavior - consequence beforehand. That way you & the kid know what to expect?"

My DH once asked "Why does SD listen to you and not me?" And the simple answer was "When I say no, I mean no and don't go back on it." I also gave warnings and stated consequences if the behaviour wasn't corrected.
DH said at the beging of our relationship that I wasn't to be a fun aunt, I was to be another parent and I wouldn't have it any other way. And he soon followed me on "no means no" once it's said. SD quickly learned he wasn't going back on it and she started listening.
Kids need rules and consistancy (at least within a household). I was worried about being the one disiplining and SD not wanting to be around but really disiplining will gain a childs respect (if it's done properly and not in an abusive manor).
Yesterday I spent half the day alone with my SD5. She wasn't listening and I gave her a time-out. After the time-out her behaviour improved greatly and we were able to have fun. I couldn't image how horrible the day would gone if I had to put up with her poor behaviour because DH didn't want me to correct it.

The child does not need three parents. Your husband can never love this child as HIS OWN and you asre asking too much to expect this because the child is not his own, he can love this child, he can protect this child, but it is not HIS child and to expect him to be a father to this child is unfair to him, to the child and to the child's biological father who is still in the picture. For the sake of your child who has two parents, YOU and YOU alone need to do the disciplining in the home it is not your boyfriends place to do it, and as I said, your child sure doesn't need a third parent disciplining him. So, you need to be very mindful of what is going on in your home, you need to teach your child to respect your husband, and your husband gets to be the good guy which in this case is as it should be. Your husband could have the best role in this child's life if you let him. He can support you in whatever discipline you hand out and he should, but he doesn't and shouldn't do it himself. That way your son will not grow up to resent him, because your child is rightly thinking..............YOUR not my dad. This will also elimate the tension between you and your DH over disciplie.

A big problem on this site steparents have is the expectation that he/she should love the SK as if it was their own, but apart from being biologically impossible, they are then expected to treat the child better than they would their own. Any parenting they try to do, is frowned upon and the biological parent thinks that their child is being picked on. Steparents can never win, do not put your husband in that position. He can be a friend to your child, he can be a role model for your child, but in that home, his role is as YOUR husband not the child's parent, he gets to be friend and role model, you get to do the parenting, and you have to make sure your child is respectful towards your DH.

I want to offer a different perspective. I grew up with a stepfather since I was 2 years old. My real father I have seen maybe a handful of times since age 2. My stepfather disciplined/spanked me my whole life. I can only recall once when I shot back at him "You aren't my Dad, I don't have to listen to you" when I was about 5 years old. My "DAD" as I call him now and always have, took off crying bc I had seriously hurt his feelings. I can remember him crying maybe 5 times my whole life and I am now 27. Mom gave me the talk of how rude that was and how I really hurt his feelings and I NEVER said those words again. I respected him my whole life and didn't resent him and never have. He was the only "father figure" I had so I respected him as one. I look back now and am extremely grateful bc he taught me how to be respectful and took care of me without having no obligations to. My real father passed when I was 15. My mother and stepfather divorced when I was 13 and I went on weekend visits with my brothers to his house EOW afterwards. To this day, I still look up to and respect that man so much, bc he was and always will be the only "DAD" I have ever had.

Now I know this isn't the case with alot of people, but I tell you this bc I was the "child" coming from this similar situation. If the father is involved, I believe it should be agreed upon consequences for his behavior bc then you won't feel resentful when he steps in to do the exact discipline you would have done. I mean let's face it realistically, he will be there when you're not and will need to build his own boundaries of respect for himself. They may be different from yours, but you and DH need to sit down and talk and find the "happy medium" yourselves. I encourage you to talk to DH and ask him to be more giving of praise, but you also have to be willing to give more discipline. Bc trust me you do NOT want a daughter/son that has no limits or boundaries and always plays MRS. NICE GUY to him bc that can also do some major damage developmentally to a child as well as being abusive. This is my situation now and it stinks!!! If you find you and DH can't come to some agreement then I suggest counseling to help work out the kinks. Good luck, don't be too harsh on DH bc he is just trying to understand his role in your childs life since the father is already there and will CONTINUE to shut down if you continue to criticise him. Bc no one likes to be judged by someone they love so dearly!!!

If he is spending time after school with stepdad while you work, this is what I would do. Have a chart of what your son is expected to do after school, such as, snack, homework, chore, etc. So he knows what's expected of him. Stepdad's role is to encourage him to follow the chart, they can check each thing off together, and he should maybe have an activity that he wants to do (with or without stepdad) when he has completed everything.
Compare that situation with the typical scenario..."Don't leave your shoes there, go do this, go do that, don't do it that way, why didn't you this, why aren't you that..." The step parent often does the nagging, and forgets the encouraging part. If your son has a chart and he doesn't do what he's supposed to, YOU deal with it when you come home. If he does something major, stepdad simply states to him that he will be talking to you about it when you come home. That leaves a lot of room for being buddies, but him still having authority as your partner and an adult caretaker of your son.

you need to tell your husband and ex-husband how you feel, and im sorry to say this but if your husband cant take care and act as though your son is his then just be sure that this amrriage is to last

I know what you mean about protecting your kid. I too, had a mother who sat on her hands while my stepfather beat me almost daily. He has NO business parenting your son. Are these the childhood memories you want your son to look back on someday? If you haven't gotten pregnant from this assclown yet, I would suggest ending the marriage.