Husband was upset w/me, relapsed (recovers alcoholic) and called his ex-wife
Here is the background. My husband and I met each other during our separations. He was a recovering alcoholic at the time and relapsed shortly after we met due to his divorce. He had been sober for 5 years. That is a whole other thread in another type of forum though.
He was divorced with two little girls. At the time of his recovery, he went into treatment, he relapsed time and again because of his limited contact with his two young girls, 3 and 6 at the time. He was dating multiple women and just passing time living the life of a bachelor. During this time he was trying to reconcile with his ex. He had had an adulterous affair. They had a very unhappy marriage and I only know his point of view. On that note, she was very controlling, degrading, and also in a pretty cultish church.
Sooooo.... here I come into this situation without a clue as to how to deal with addiction and a divorced man who still was trying to reconcile with his ex-wife while dating multiple women (in order to distract himself) and relapsing. I was recently divorced but in a very different place mentally.
Long story short we moved in together and he struggled with emotions and addiction For a very turbulent 6 months we would have such a great time together, he would relapse abs during relapses he would try to tak to other women and reconcile with his ex. Eventually he was allowed to see his daughters on weekends which was good but exacerbated the situation of relapse, cheating and ex-wife. During one REALLY bad relapse/bender in particular he was away for work for a week and I just had had enough. I reached out to an old bf and met him in TN for the weekend. I came home and let him know what had happened ans that I was just at the end of mu tether with ALL of it. Finally, during July of last year her managed to quit relapsing and things improved DRAMATICALLY. We have a great relationship when we are together. We are great intimately, we laugh a lot, we cuddle every single night, etc Looking in the from the outside you would think we are the happiest couple ever. Our families think we are just the happiest couple on earth
So in September I found out I was pregnant. Our son was born in March (a month early) and we had had an amazing time as a loving couple during the pregnancy. During our son's NICU stay I was there 24/7 and he came every night (drove an hour after work and before work in the mornings as we lived very rural). I mean I can't say enough how happy we were. We had worked through many unhealthy issues with his girls like co-sleeping and spoiling with gifts, letting one child make decisions for us all, etc. I would point out things I felt were unhealthy and we come up with solutions, etc.
Shortly after our son was born we had to relocate due to his job. We decided to have a quick marriage and moved to an even more remote location. I drive 2 hours every Friday to get my kids after school and drive again on Sunday's to give them back to the ex. He drives an hour to get his girls.
So finally the point of my post. This past weekend my husband left town for his other job at National Guard. He goes once a month. Right before he left, we got into a texting argument and then I went to a friend's house nearby to play board games. We made up through text but during my night out I was not really responding quickly to texts and he was feeling resentful and gave into temptation to relapse. I had some clues that night that he had relapsed but didn't really know the truth until the next morning when he confessed. He usually goes on a huge bender but was able to use positive thinking and my supportive attitude (after initially freaking out) to stop drinking and focus on positive things. He was very apologetic and said a lot how grateful he was for me in his life.
After the drill weekend he came home and I asked about his relapse. I asked if there was anything he needed to confess. He confessed to buying a burner phone and contemplated cheating while he was drunk. He said he lost the phone. He also confessed to having done this for a short time after he found an old one shortly after recovering last year during the few months before I found out I was pregnant. He said he got rid of this phone while leaving drill (after using it there to talk to women) by throwing it out the window when he went over a bridge.
So this has all been a lot to take in. I was very happy he came to me about these thing and I asked if there was anything else. He said nothing.
So last night I asked to see his phone so I could go over his phone activity during his relapse. He made numerous calls to friends abs family. I noticed one other thing he had called his ex-wife for 27 min and then tried calling her sporadically that night until 2 am or so 10 times. Then one more time around 7 when he needed to go to work. She is a nurse so was up all night working. She only talked to him during that one long talk. I asked him about what was discussed and he said that they discussed weekend arrangement with kids for their schedules and finally after my dogged questioning he said she had mentioned that he relapsed. At this point, I knew he had said something he shouldn't have. I asked him what he said to her and he finally said that she had said someone told her he married me even though he didn't really like me for our son. He told her he didn't know why he married me and that he didn't really like me. I guess that was it. After they got off the phone I had called him to let him know I was home from board game night (I was driving through a terrible storm) and he said he was tired and already sleeping. I told him okay love you and will talk to you in the morning.
Today I am just feeling a bit defeated. He is very apologetic but I am just at a loss as to what I am dealing with. He isn't the same person when he drinks but it feels like he uses that as an excuse with me to get away with things. We have a life together here I have friends. My kids love coming here to play with his girls and be outside on the ranch. We spend a lot of time outside and have a horse, chickens, dog, cat, bunny etc. His daughters love me and don't act resentful toward me at all. He is a very caring and loving husband but has these demons and bad habits. He had grown alot since we have met. He has become a better communicator, less selfish, and a better listener. He does absolutely anything for me and treat me like an equal. He suffers from depression, PTSD, anxiety, alcoholism and has changed so much since we have met.
I am just looking to hear from people on how they have overcome ex-wife stuff like this. I know a big issue was that we jumped into a serious relationship before either of us was ready and during a time when he battled addiction
I am honestly looking for help for us to grow as people ans as a couple. I don't want a divorce at this time but I don't want to wast my life away loving someone that will never really love me the same way. He will also be reading comments as we are posting this together. He knows I am struggling with these revelations.
I'm going to say this with
I'm going to say this with kindness, because I've been there married that, but (please let my words sink in:
You cannot fix him.
I am realizing I should post
I am realizing I should post more.
We have both been to Ali-non and AA. We have not gone since moving here because we have dealt with moving and a sick child, RSV. We are learning how to deal with addication and obviously should never have stopped going. I guess we felt "safe" but his anxiety went through the roof and he was out of meds and used alcohol to cope. I am not making excuses but that is what happened and we know we need to present that next time by staying up on meds.
We are going to marriage counseling and have found another AA to go to again. He is also going to contact the VA about therapy for himself. He has been to therapy before (weekly) but just falls out of the habit because it's time consuming when you live as rural as we do and he works M-S 730-6 pm.
He is always going to place his sobriety on your shoulders
You'll be walking on eggshells your whole life. If you make him mad or disappoint him or fight because you feel that you were wronged and he's going to use that as an excuse to relapse. This isn't a sustainable long term relationship. You need to get out of this "relationship" because he's never going to be loyal to you
This is the most toxic
This is the most toxic marriage I've ever heard of I'm stunned.
I will admit 6 months of our
I will admit 6 months of our relationship was so very toxic. We both made bad decisions. There has been a year of an amazing relationship that I feel like some of you are all just sweeping aside like it didn't happen. This is the first major thing to happen in our marriage and to say it is the "most toxic" is a little extreme. Our fighting is minimal. Like maybe once a week and small. We always make up within 30 min. and try to see the others point of view.
This is an HONEST post so please don't make me regret my honesty by putting us down. We KNOW what our mistakes are. I honestly just put it all out there for some feedback to HELP us. If you don't have any helpful feedback then I suggest you not post.
Also, I KNOW he is an alcoholic and I am not making excuses for him. I am just saying what happend.
Thanks! ✌️
You're both philandering
You're both philandering substance abusers. He lies. You lie. One year? One year is meaningless when thr toxic behavior hasn't actually changed. I'm not surprised you make excuses though. That's what addicts do a lot. You both are always going to be recovering.
Amazing relationship? No, thanks.
First off, anger management
First off, anger management classes to learn to discuss and solve problems rather than fighting over trivial stuff all the time (every week IS all the time for many of us).
Secondly, I'd advise marital counseling to learn how to lean on each other rather than turning to outside solutions when the going gets tough.
No. There is no doubt on
No. There is no doubt on paternity at all.
I appreciate most comments
I appreciate most comments but someone making a blanket statement and not offering advice isn't helpful at all. Thanks guys!
Ok here's my advice. Break up
Ok here's my advice. Break up.
My marriage isn't 'amazing.'
My marriage isn't 'amazing.' It is just normal and ok. I don't cheat neither does my husband. Even when we're stressed and bickering. We don't abuse substances to cope. We're still friends and get along after many years of stephell. It's not even close to what you consider amazing. I'd rather have decades of ok vs one year of amazing.
Okay, thanks for another
Okay, thanks for another unhelpful comment.
Unhelpful.....seriously?
Unhelpful.....seriously?
Are you willing to be married
Are you willing to be married to an addict who cheats on you and doesn't know why he even married you? If the answer is no, then move out and divorce him. That's what I would do, because even if the good times are great, I couldn't stand waiting for the other shoe to drop.
If that's all you want for yourself and your children, then I would suggest putting yourselves in the best position for him to succeed in maintaining sobriety. That might mean he needs to cut his work hours to leave room for therapy and AA meetings, or getting a different job and moving to an area that's not so rural so he can get the help he needs more easily. As another poster said, YOU can't fix him. However, perhaps you can help remove some of the excuses from the equation. Ultimately, your H needs to make better choices for himself, and you will need to be ever vigilant to see if he's making poor choices or getting complacent in managing his issues. I couldn't live that way, but if you think the good outweighs the bad, try to get a great support system into place and hold your H accountable for his choices.
I've thought about this and I
I've thought about this and I could not/would not be married to someone with an active addiction, who kept relapsing and doing atrocious things when he relapses.
I agree you should return to Al-Anon and decide what you can and can't live with. For me, none of the good you describe would outweigh always wondering if he was going to relapse and hop in bed with his ex.
You've put up with a lot, make sure he's worth it. This isn't about his ex, it's about his addiction.
Gawd
Do not become my mama.
My father was an alcoholic. He did all the things your DH does. An addict uses convenient excuses instead of addressing and working on getting the addiction in control.
Here is the difference, we were an intact toxic dysfunctional family. My mama excused my POS dad over and over until my own mama wasnt a person anymore. There was no ex wife getting emotional calls or my dad wanting to be with another woman in that way. Dont get me wrong he screwed more women than kernels in a bag of popcorn, but NONE did he have an emotional connection. Yours does, but thats the least of it.
Save yourself and your children. They do not need this. They will be more screwed up than you can begin to understand. TRUST ME. I ended up searching for love in all the wrong places. My twin died of a drug overdose. Our environment was a total clusterfluck.
You are getting defensive because you arent ready to hear what people are saying. You do realize you could lose your children. What kind of environment do you want your kids in. They observe and imitate. This chaos will become their unhealthy toxic norm.
Its time to put the kids first. You and your DH are toxic together. I say this with sincerity, and I weep for your kids.
I agree with the others
I know you are looking for feedback about the ex but that's a minor part of it. My advice is, when you go to counseling, try to figure out why you tolerate, perhaps enjoy, all this drama in your life. As the SM of 3 kids who saw more drama and dysfunction than they ever should have, i can tell you this affects your children. They grow up thinking its normal and repeat the pattern.
Try to figure out that question then figure out what's best for your kids. Good luck.
There is too much damage here
There is too much damage here. That is clear as day.
You need to develop a safe custody arrangement for your husband to see his child with you and you need to move away and divorce. I am not one to advocate for divorce and I probably encourage people to stay in relationships more than I should here. HOWEVER your life is so unhealthy right now, there is no other choice.
You need to leave, you need to find a strong support system and get into personal counseling. You can't fix him and you can't ever expect anything to change. This is as good as it will ever be. This is not what any of your children deserve.
If getting divorced isn't an
If getting divorced isn't an option, there are a few BARE MINIMUM things that need to happen:
1.) He has to put his treatment first. That may mean working less hours, moving closer to the city, getting a new job, etc. Work can't take up 55 hours of his week anymore. His treatment has to come first. Parenting second. Marriage and work comes after that.
2.) You both need to change your perspective on this disease. This isn't a bad back that flares up so you have to take it easy a few weeks until it gets better. This is like diabetes. His alcoholism, like diabetes, WANTS to kill him. It WILL kill him. People with diabetes HAVE to take their controller meds and insulin SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. They have to check their glucose SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. Your DH is going to have to take his meds, reach out to his sponsor, do personal development activities (e.g. journaling), and participate in support groups SEVERAL TIMES A DAY until he is stable. Then he can work with his personal and professional care teams to slowly back out to a manageable place. Where your DH is right now is post-hospitalizatio because blood sugar was so high that he nearly went into a coma.
3.) You need to do more work on yourself to recognize how you are an enabler in these situations. I get totally where your heart is in this. My mother is a functioning addict who has an affinity for Vicodin, trazadone, cigarettes, and most recently, whiskey. She self-medicates versus finding out the root causes to her problems. As dysfunctional as she can be, she's still my mother and I still want to protect her. I end up hurting her when I don't keep my boundaries in place. When I feed into her manic episodes. When I let her get away with being an arse to me because she's self-medicating or mad that I'm not indulging her whims. I can't save my mom. You can't save your husband. But we can work on ourselves so that we know when we should help AND what we should do to help.
4.) You both need individual therapy in addition to your marriage counseling.
These are not suggestions. These are the BARE MINIMUM things that need to be established just to get you out of the current crisis. And yes, this is a crisis. Honestly, your DH may need to go off to do actual rehab for a while, both to deal with the alcoholism and to get readjusted to his medication. If he has been trying to deal with all this without some form of intensive therapy, this needs to be the wake-up call that he needs it.
Finally, never confuse quality and quantity in a marriage. A marriage that is 90% good but 10% is mired by physical abuse, lying, cheating, stealing/spending money, or some other grossly negative quality is not a good marriage. Everyone has problems, but the depth and breadth of those problems is what matters. Not fighting and being able to laugh together is great, but that good gets wiped out when boundaries are repeatedly stepped on and vows are repeatedly broken. Don't look at a year's worth of great relationship and think that a bad weekend can't wreck it all. It 100% can, and sometimes should.
Great advice. ALL of it. I do
Great advice. ALL of it. I do have one question. Why do you think parenting comes before marriage? I have always thought it was the other way around. Thanks!
In a healthy marriage with
In a healthy marriage with healthy people, marriage comes first.
However, your DH is in crisis. He has a responsibilities to all his minor children that he can't fully fulfill until he gets stable. So, he has to get better. Then, he has to make sure he is meeting the needs of his kids. Then, if he has time/energy afterward, he can focus on having a marriage.
To put it bluntly, with where he is right now, your marriage is not a need. It's a want. His health is a need because he has responsibilities to minors. His parental responsibilities are a need because his kids can't fend for themselves. You, as an adult, have the ability to care for your own needs and wants. Therefore, you're not a priority at this moment.
Marriage is the foundation of a family, and while it is the top priority, it is not the top responsibility. Your DH's health needs come first. Then, the needs of his children. Then your needs, your mutual wants as a married couple, and the wants of the children.
If he isn't healthy - and if you aren't healthy yourself - you have nothing to give to anyone else.
Absolutely!
Absolutely!
Frankly, if divorce isn't what the OP wants, I would demand in-patient rehab. That would be my deal breaker, hill to die on to stay in the marriage.
Please consider going to a
Please consider going to a few, private therapy sessions...just to talk THIS out. Please describe to the therapist everything you told us here.
I am not saying long term...just a few sessions.
OK?
This sounds really hard and I
This sounds really hard and I'm sorry you are all struggling. There is no magic fix obviously but since you asked for positive advice, I wanted to just share what has helped my family through tough times. (Though we've not dealt with what you are facing)
One is that love and respect are the foundation of good relationships. If a behavior is unloving and disrespectful to your mate it must be abandoned. only you change your behavior so it will be up to each of you to do your part. It's simple I know, but it really is the key. You can not emphasize this enough. Love and respect- everyday.
Even good marriages take a lot of hard work, determination and self sacrifice. That's why you both need to be fully committed if you're going to change things. Also, you both need support beyond just each other. This is too much for you two alone, get a support system and use it like a life line.
It's important to talk about your values and goals as a couple. You need to be coming from the same place. Have meaningful discussions about how you feel about and view these hurtful behaviors and why. yes it will be frequent talks.
Consider some counseling, not to blame but to learn problem solving techniques. One we use is when we are both angry we write down on a piece of paper a one sentence description of what we believe the problem is or the argument is about. Then we trade papers. Often we find we're not seeing the same problem at all.
I really do hope you can make it. You have a lot to overcome but I wish you the best.
IMHO, there is a fine line
IMHO, there is a fine line between addiction being a "disease", and a bullshit excuse used to deflect and cover an abject lack of character.
Your DH clearly falls in the later group. Find a DH who is worth a shit and cut this idiot loose.