Sorry but no, probably not. If he is still this attached to her after this many years and you have tolerated it, then it won't get better. He is still acting like he is married to her. You need to basically go off on him to get him to change and for mine it was a threat to leave and that he would be divorced for a 2nd time. Since he doesn't like failure, that got to him. I also accused him of being in love with her still.

I accepted a long time ago that I will be second to his kids, but I will not be second to the EX.

My SO is *kind of* similar to yours in that he will do what it takes to get his ex wife to stop screaming at him. She knows that's how to get whatever she wants, and it has worked for the past ten years.. So why stop? HA.
My family is telling me that it is not controlling to make demands that he cut off all ties with her unless it has to do with the children in a civil manner. IF she calls to scream, hang up. If she wants help with something that doesn't pertain to the children, don't respond or just say no. You are his wife. He needs to defend your honor and respect that you are his number one woman in his life.
I personally think she's only doing this to irritate you. Women are catty.

I too had this problem, and like other posters I had to really get ugly and call my DH out on it every.single.time this happened.

Can you take a look at my washer?
Can you put new brakes on my car?
Can you take the SK's here, there, everywhere? Just pop on over and get them...

And it went on.

I told DH HER or ME. Period. End of discussion. I don't do second place. And I threw in just for good measure that maybe I need to act all pathetic and helpless, maybe he'll pay some attention to me.

And I think you're right about one thing -- DH will disappoint you time and time again because 1) YOU don't control if/when he sees his kids, and 2) he believes you love him "no matter what".

My SO was like this too right when they split up before he started dating me he did whatever she said. When he and I started to date he slacked off doing whatever she said. So that made her crazy and try to control him even more. She pretty much did all the work for me LOL It took a while but he started to see through her manipulations and how it is completely stopped.

He will only communicate to her by text but she still gets him once in a while to get him to call her saying its about SD. But that has even stopped almost completely because she says that then he calls her and it is always some BS that has not much to do with SD at all.

"And I think you're right about one thing -- DH will disappoint you time and time again because 1) YOU don't control if/when he sees his kids, and 2) he believes you love him "no matter what"."

^^^^^^^^^^^EXACTLY!!!!^^^^^^^^^^^

Excuse my french but that is a load of SHIT. Your husband shouldn't be doing a DAMN thing for his ex besides caring for his children. I would give him an ultimatum if I were you. That would be grounds for divorce if it were MY husband!!! Bi Polar or not...he is NO LONGER MARRIED to her. Just because he had kids with her does not mean he needs to be at her beck and call for the rest of his life. YIKES!!!!!!!!!

OMG! I completely understand how you are feeling and hate to say it but you have to put a stop to this. He is your husband, not hers. The BM in my situation tried this once. And the bitch got what was coming to her. She had SS11 (he was much younger at the time) call - I answered and he asked for his dad. I could tell as soon as Dad was on the phone, SS11 was no longer on the phone - it was BM. She was asking questions about her car. The conversation ends and he grabs his keys. I asked him where he was going. He told me that she needed some radiator fluid in her car and he was going down to the gas station where she was to help... and pick up SS11. Um - no. I grabbed my keys and said - I think not. He said - I need to get my son. I responded a resounding Um - no. I wasn't born yesterday and don't have that EFFING DIPLOMA on the wall because I am a dumb ass. I said - I will pick SS up. You are not helping her. Her 15 year old son and the gas station attendant can help. Not your job! I went down to get SS11. He got in my car and coyly asked where his father was. I said - It's not his job to help her. She can figure it out. I felt bad at the time (a little) because I wasn't sure how he would take it (SS) but looking back on it - it was the best thing I could have done. It didn't faze him at bit and I really enjoyed the look on her face when she realized that WickedStep wasn't taking the bull.

I so understand hwo you all feel,his ex calls,mithers ( and am sure I don't know the half of it ).For the kids of course,we have to be in touch for the kids.Not at 8am on a Sunday morning.Am very very fustrated and on the edge of ending it all.I have been second best before and can't handle it again x

Nope, SOOO not alone! I feel the same way. Andimac, my situation sounds like yours as well. I know DH doesnt want BM back, I mean she cheated on him and had another mans baby, ugg, dont get me started, anyways, but the texts and calls, about oh i'm watching such and such and oh we are having this for dinner, dont you think that'd be good? drives me NUTS. DH says he doesnt even realize he is doing it when he answers her. I'm like CAN YOU PLEASE JUST STOP!!! Its like a weekly fight. And I used the same line last time I picked up his phone and there were numerous daily phone calls bw the two of them, always when I'm at work. I said, how would you like it if you picked my phone up and seen i'd been talking every day to XH or XBF, XBF, etc. Sometimes I think he'll NEVER get it. Or if he finally does, it will be too late.

I hope these BMs and BFs are not fertile.

Because believe me - if he will do anything she asks - it is only a matter of time before they sleep together again. Even if it is a one night stand after many years - it almost always happens when they are too intertwined like this. Not always but in the majority of times yes.

Damn I've even seen a man who left his wife for another man because he was gay who later slept with his wife "just one more time" many years later.

You are being betrayed and cheated on even if genital contact has not taken place (yet).

There is no reason for exes to have a "relationship". Some communication before the skids are grown - yes. But not a "relationship". That is supposed to be history.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My DH used to be totally like this and now is starting to stand up for himself.

It took some very serious conversations where I told him he is in fact still married to his ex wife, considering she knew everything that went on in our lives and even gave him opinions (and criticized his decisions). I wasn't going to settle for that. And will not.

Since then, he started to say no a little more. He stopped the information train and she knows nothing more about our lives. We have a daughter with special needs and another little girl on the way and I promise you, the woman has not and will not set foot in my house. You have to stand your ground. If he is putting more value in his ex wife (and his kids with her) than in the relationship he has with you, then you may want to reconsider being in this relationship. I told my husband, if you want a wife I am here for you but you'll have to treat me like one.

There should be no communication between them other than the necessary conversations around raising the child(ren) they have together. Period. Anything outside of that is invasion of privacy and not her place to be. I know you love your husband (as I love mine) but I love myself more and first and I refuse to take the back seat while someone who didn't have the courtesy to help him while he had cancer (and was still married to him at the time) gets to have her way with everything she wants. You will have to put your foot down and say "no more" - and mean it!

Good luck I hope things work out for you!

I feel ALL of you on this because I am also living it! If the ex says JUMP, my old man JUMPS and turns into her little bitch!! But he doesn't seem to SEE it that way.....he says that everything he "does" isn't for her, it's for his kid!

BULLSH*T!!

I told him to OPEN HIS FKKNG EYES because his KID doesn't need to deliver a baby shower gift!! WTF

Anywho, he is slowly coming around and realizing what he's doing is allowing a third person (his ex) to be involved in OUR relationship and I told him I will NOT keep putting up with it. I love him and I am watching the changes he is making, but they are coming so SLOWLY that I'm getting tired of waiting!

I'm sick of my Dh's attention to his ex as well. I have decided his ego gets stroked by her pursing him since she's become single again. I have talked with him about boundary issues repeatedly, but he just says "I don't want to be ORDERED to stop any and all avoidable contact with her" I said, "I know, I'd like it if you were INSPIRED to keep your distance from her because you love me and respect out marriage."
Choice is his, though. He has exactly 1 chance starting now to decide who he loves more-himself or me. Because I;m nit going to sit in my house during drop offs and pick ups of the skid while that b*ich flirts with my husband for 10.15, 20 minutes. Nope, I'm going to prepare me and my BD a healthy, yet quick, dinner on those days and leave with her before the BM comes, so me and bd will have been fed and be having fun. Wont come back until I'm sure the b#tch is gone, dh has to do the cooking for him and sd11 and he's cleaned up the mess in the kitchen.

I'm sorry you feel the way you do. It sucks when DH's don't cut the cord with the ex. Sometimes these things take time, the transition for both of them. They are accustomed to this interaction and the truth is now that you are married, the dynamic of their relationship needs to change.

I had the same issue with my DH and his ex wife. It took him YEARS to cut the cord and wean her off of depending on him for her own personal benefit. He claimed that he would help her out for his kids and to keep the peace. Thats what had him in that vicious cycle of her manipulation. but it wasn't until his mentality shifted that he began to see that life can go on w/out bailing her out of all her personal b.s. In the meantime, there really is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is tell him how you feel and do what is best for YOURSELF. you cant change anyone, he will have to change his behavior and see the value in changing it for the greater good. I know that doesnt help too much but its the truth. Hang in there honey, if he's worth it and you love him than be patient and do your best at keeping your inner peace.

My bride orignally was of the mind that catering to the toxicity of the blended family opposition would make it easier on the SKid during visitation with them. Until I pointed out that they were toxic with the SKid when she did cater to their crap. This motivated her to shift to a zero tolerance perspective and giving them the message that if they were toxic they would suffer. Eventually they gained some clarity and undertanding that being reasonable was far less painful for them than being unreasonable.

As long as she kept the pain applied they were reasonable. When she backed off on maintaining painful pressure they immediately grew more toxic.

It was a learning curve for my bride and for the SpermClan.

I have rarely been less than very happy in this marriage and when I have been less than happy my bride and I have worked it out together.

As for BM fighting with you to the point of shoving you in public... .had the SpermIdiot pulled that crap I would have ended the problem right then and there by defending myself to the fullest extent of the law. THat your DH did not beat his XW's ass for assaulting his bride tells me far more than I care to know about your DH.

Yep I have been there. Many times before. DH and the ex were together for 11 years. It is a daunting situation to step into. And we had a lot of issues with him "letting go" of taking care of her. Voice your concerns and straight out SAY what you are and are not comfortable with. DH did a lot better when I set EXACT parameters of what I deemed was or was nor appropriate in my eyes. Its a slow and steady process.

As for her actions.. well it has taken two years for the BM and myself to even speak on cordial terms during our already limited interactions. I try to always have the age old mantra "kill them with kindness." You get to take the high road and conduct yourself with grace and it still seems to piss them off even more when you refuse to to participate in the name calling and childish antics. And the SK's start to realize who is the mature one in the scheme of things as well.

Good luck and keep at it.