I am having a hard time dealing with my 21 year old stepson and his brother

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This is my first time doing this, but I'm hoping that writing all of my feelings down will help me understand and know that I am not completely all alone. I have been married 5 years When I met him my 2 children, lived with me and his 2 sons lived with their mother. We would spend every other weekend, but even those were stressful. Their mother would always find a way to cause stress. So, I think that sometimes I blamed the stress that it would cause on my husband on his sons. Well, there came a time where we weren't seeing them at all, of course, not my choice, but his. I did find that during that time not having to deal with their mother and the extra stress really made our household peaceful. Well, that was shortlived we started hearing from other family members about how the eldest son was getting into trouble and was not getting along with the stepfather. We then started to set up regular visitations with both boys, but every weekend that we did not have the 2 kids the mom would call our house and start ranting and raving about the eldest on how he is disrespectful, this would of course cause stress on my husband and we would start arguing because I started to feel that we didn't even have a weekend on our own anymore. Then I started to see how his sons acted, they were so hyper, they talk back, and I'm not saying my children are perfect, but they were not raised that way. It got to the point where I was so glad the day we drop them off back at their mom's. Well, sure enough the mom basically dropped the eldest off at our apartment and said "here take him". Now, we are talking about a 2 bedroom apartment with already 4 people, my husband, myself, and my boy., and girl. I resented what she did because they lived in a 5 bedroom house!!! I was so upset and miserable because I was not prepared to have my stepson live with us. It seemed as if everything he did was annoying, he would just start dancing, then rap to a music that he was listening to, always wanting to play video games. I was starting to feel so suffocated. I felt as if my children were getting the short end of the stick because of the lack of room. Well, we finally moved into a house and the problems persisted from there. It would be an argument almost every week between my husband and I because of the stress caused by his son and the stress he caused on me. He wouldn't do his chores and sometimes he didnt come home. Well, my husband finally had to kick him out because he refused to be governed and mind you he was only 16 at that time. Of course this hurt him and since then he's felt that he's done wrong by his son. Well, I on the other hand finally got some peace. I don't know if this is mean of me but I actually enjoyed not having him there. I also noticed a change in my husband he was not as stressed out any more. The problem I have now is that his son has decided to live a type of lifestyle wherein no rules govern him. He jumps from house to house, smokes, drinks, and has no future. Every year I am afraid that his son is going to ask to live with us. Just this christmas I nearly had a stress attack because his son shows up of course not looking very well. His hair is in dreads, tattoos down his arms, does not shave, and is as loud as ever. My husband then asks me if he could spend the night. I nearly have a breakdown because I start thinking what if he wants to stay. Of course, I can't tell my husband no, but I am so worried that the stress will return to our household. I am also afraid of the influence he will have on my 2 children who are also teenagers, plus I am pregnant and we are expecting a child. We live in a 3 bedroom house and barely have enough room. I am just so stressed out because I know that my husband does not see what I see because that is his son. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I wrong for not wanting this stress? I know that I married my husband with 2 sons. I guess this is something I finally need to accept and realize that regardless I would expect him to do the same for my children. Can someone please ease my confusion.

Dear justdon'tknow, Of course

Dear justdon'tknow,

Of course you are confused. You are struggling with your desire to support your husband and yet protect your own children (and expected child).

Does your husband see the truth of his son's situation? By allowing him a safe place to stay he is enabling him in is current lifestyle.

Depending on what your SS is doing - it might not hurt on occasion (once every few weeks) to allow him to stay a night. But if he is using drugs, drinking, and not taking responsibility for his own life then when everyone allows him to crash at their house they are robbing him of the dignity of learning from his choices and decisions. And thus he will not grow up.

This is complicated stuff - and much easier for you to see than your husband because it sounds like his internal compass is navigated by his own guilt. Not good! I know from experience.

There is a lot to sort out here. Will your husband consider going together to see a therapist? If not, have you considered it? If you read any of my posts you will see that I am a staunch advocate for reaching out for help in this way. Men typically have a harder time in doing this. So you may need to do it solo for the time being. Your children need your wisdom and clarity. I know you say your confused. But I do feel like you have more clarity than you know. The very fact that you are afraid to let him move in tells me your gut is yelling at you!

A marriage is a partnership. You have equal say in the decisions of your household. You can best support your husband by getting strong yourself because again it sounds like he just does't have the ability to make the right decisions around his son.

Thanks for the great advice.

Thanks for the great advice. I do try to have my husband see my reasoning, but sometimes i have too tread carefully. Because it is his son he will take the defensive automatically. He tends to throw back at me, "What if this was your child." Yet he seems to not understand that his son is the way he is because of the lack of parenting or support or maybe even the enabling caused by him and his ex-wife. I know that no matter how we raise our children they will choose their own path, somehow I just don't see my children headed down that path, especially with the guidelines and stability that I have around them. Yet, of course my husband does not see that and also I don't like too count my blessings too much because anything can happen. I do know that I have too protect my own sanity and my children yet support my husband. I just pray that he sees how much damage his son causes. That one night that he stayed I saw a change in my husbands demeanor. He was so stressed out seeing how his son was acting. I guess you can say he was broken hearted. I try to convince him that it is not his fault anymore and that he should not feel so broken hearted or stressed out when it is his son that is choosing this lifestyle, yet as a mother of my own children how can I tell him not to hurt. I am praying each day that I stay strong. I am just hoping that I will not have too make him choose because now he has the child with me to think about. I also see that when its a "first born" son it tends to hit him harder, yet to me all children are the same whether they are first born or second born. I just wish he did not show up. I know that's selfish of me, but I love my stress free home and the comfort it offers. I don't want to go back to the times where I just didn't want to come home to my "own" home. I am hoping that he sees my reasoning. The contract is a good thing, but I know my husband once his son is here I don't know if he'll have enough to kick him out again.

Welcome, and feel free to let

Welcome, and feel free to let it all out on here. There are a lot of wonderful posters with great insight and advice.

Given all that's happened in the past with their bio-parents, it sounds like these kids could really use some professional help, on top of DH stepping up to the plate and trying to build a good relationship with his kids in which he can teach them how to act like civilized human beings.

If SS moves back in, you and DH need to be a team and there need to be a few regulations in place:

-SS receives intense counseling (this should be the case for both stepkids, actually)
-SS receives intense drug rehab/counseling
-SS attend AA meetings
-SS be polite to everyone in the family
-SS respect his belongings and those of others
-SS can't bring drugs or anything else illegal into your home

If that fails, maybe he needs to be in a drug/alcohol rehab facility.

Great advice and I have to

Great advice and I have to agree with Finey's approach. I would definitely have some clear and concise rules and expectations set out. I would do this by way of a family meeting involving your husband, his son and you. In this meeting, you should all have a chance to speak and it should end with an agreement, in writing, that you all have a copy of. That way, it's very clear what the expectations and consequences are.

I also think it's a good idea to ask your step-son some in depth questions.

1. Are you happy with the direction your life has taken?

2. Are there things you'd like to change? We're here to help you succeed. Now is the most important time of your life because what you do today will affect your entire life. Adding 'We know you can do it!' once he comes up with something usually makes a big impact on a teenager's motivation. Following through to help him on his way will keep him motivated. A list of short and long term goals that he can post up helps, especially if he accomplishes one and you all tick it off together.

3. What would you like to do career-wise? How can we help you achieve this? Let's look together at your options. Maybe you should look at getting a part-time job 'here' to see if you might like this area of work for the future et cetera. Teenagers that work and go to school have less time to screw up...lol.

In other words, your best defense here is to do your best to positively motivate your step-son towards a career goal so that you don't have to support him or live with him (or live with the fear of having him come back like this) for the rest of his life (a win/win situation for everyone).

And please don't be too hard on your husband. I'm going through this with a friend of mine. There is nothing that breaks a parent's heart more than to watch your child self-destruct. As tough as all of this is for both of you, you need to stick together as a team.

I would also have another family meeting. This one would involve yourself and your own children. This is where you explain that while you don't approve of your step-son's behavior, he is family and family always try to help each other so you're asking for their support and patience and also for them to encourage their step-brother in a positive way. If you get your children on board in a helping way, they will be less likely to be influenced in a negative way by their step-brother.

Hope this helps!

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